Tom Selleck's 2009 Detroit Tigers Preview

Posted by Bob Biscigliano in ,

As you all know I'm sure, last year we had Dennis Haskins, aka Richard Belding, do the Detroit Tigers 2008 offensive preview. There was no real merit behind the decision process in bringing him on here to do the Tigers preview. We just figured that he was sort of an icon and it would be a fun treat. Boy, oh boy were we wrong. It was an epic failure. Not only did he make absurd video game-like predictions for the lineup we bought, raising expectations even higher than before, but he also claimed he would cure cancer by Game 6 of the 2008 World Series. Dirty little trick, Dick. There wasn't even a game six in the 2008 World Series.

As if Belding couldn't have been any worse, I recently found out he played division one basketball at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga. The same UTC that just recently won the SoCon tournament and are putting on their dancing shoes, as we speak. Normally it wouldn't bother me learning that an average looking, fat, 60-year old white male played a little hoops during his hay day. One day I'll be 60-years old and average looking (if I don't already) and no one will ever believe I played sports, either. But it stings like a fissure in my ass to learn that the cock was a Moc and played for the school that will be replacing my alma mater, 2008 tourney Cinderella story Davidson College, in the March Madness. Without further ado, death to Richard Belding, and allow me to introduce to you a Detroit native. The man who should have done the preview last year:
Tom Selleck
Tom Selleck here bringing you the best in Major League thrills for the fellas, and free moustache rides for the ladies. Thanks for having me. When Bob first asked me to do the preview here, I started off by asking him if he had any naked pictures of his wife. He followed that up by mocking me, "wanna see some?" He then proceded to rattle off some of my stats from when I donned the old English 'D.' Even my down years. He knew that I led this team in ninth-inning doubles in the month of August the year I hit an Inge-like .235. I was sold. Bob knew some of my greatest work (Mr. Baseball) and that was enough for me.

Before I came here, I made sure I did some hip flexor stretches (see above). Remember, we're not athletes, we're baseball players. This job can be very taxing on the body if you don't take the proper precautions, but my whole philosophy is simple: Let the kids have some fun and maintain a positive outlook on things. At least that's what I learned from my stint over in Japan. Anyway, let's jump right into it, shall we?

Here is your 2009 Detroit Tigers projected batting lineup (including my personal nicknames for the fellas):

CF Curtis "He accepts everyone's facebook requests" Granderson
2B Placido "only guy on earth with a head bigger than a steroid abuser's" Polanco
RF Magglio "I wonder if he has AC Slater's abs to go along with the hair" Ordonez
1B Miguel "all you can eat meals and fastballs buffet" Cabrera
LF Carlos "perma bottom lip chew" Guillen
DH Gary "Doesn't shhhh" Sheffield
C Gerald "the n00b" Laird
3B Brandon "I hope I hit my weight this year" Inge
SS Adam "I'm not as dorky as I look" Everett

The guys who will see a lot of time, coming from the pine are: Marcus Thames (who seemed like he hit a home run every game he played last year), backup catcher and free agent signee, Matt Treanor; Ramon Santiago, and maybe Ryan Raburn depending how healthy Guillen and Sheff are throughout the course of the season. Big hit, happy body!

I'm not going to sit here and make ridiculous predictions like that fat principal did last year. I WILL say that Sheffield will hit his 500th home run this season, Miguel will hit a few, and the Tigers will score some runs. I'm lazy and not big on crazy predictions.

Now to the pitching staff:
1. Justin "my delivery is as quick as my fastball" Verlander
2. Armando "am I for real?" Galarraga
3. Edwin "the universe IS expanding" Jackson
4. Jeremy "I should be okay to pitch this year, but I still can't read good" Bonderman
5. The Riddler but if you held a gun to my head and said I would have to play in Japan again, I'd probably say Rick "It's no longer Rick Rolled, it's Rick Roared" Porcello

You might be intrigued by my order here. Again, I'm not big on fancy predictions and Jack Elliot hates pitchers, but I do feel like this is the order it will play out to. Bonderman may as well be the Riddler too considering he hasn't even thrown a single inning in Spring Training. I would not be surprised if we saw Nate Robertson, Dontrelle Willis, or Miner actually start off in his spot. Then again, two of those guys would start off in the rotation if I'm wrong about Porcello. There's a good piece on BYB about whether or not it's too soon for Porcello, the real music to our ears.

The bullpen is not as shoddy as it looked at this time last year. Depending on Zumaya's health, Lyon's ability to bounce back from a miserable second half last year, and Rodney's control problems, the Tags have three good relievers right there. All three of these are in the running for the closer's spot. Bobby Seay has looked great this spring and will be the lefty specialist, or LOOGY (lefty one out guy). I would not be surprised to see Ryan Perry break camp with the squad and ditto for Juan Rincon. Freddy Dolsi is another guy that continues to throw well and has even been mentioned in some closer discussions. Again, not big on predictions, but this is a bullpen that could wind up turning some heads (in a good way, not the "turn your head and watch home run after home run way).

From the dugout: Jim Leyland is still a smoking fiend and Rick Knapp loves pitchers who throw strikes. Nate Robertson might not be in town much longer to do the gum time, but I'm a big fan of dugout comraderie.

So there you have it. The 2009 Detroit Tigers season preview.

Oh, and before I go, Bob wanted me to make an overall prediction on how the Tigers will finish this year. I told him, I may have played a gay guy in the 1997 box office hit, "In & Out" but I'm no miracle worker....

But.... 84-78--good for being just edged out in the AL Central :(

Thanks for having me guys. <3TomSelleck aka Jack Elliot aka Peter Malloy aka Courtney Cox's boyfriend in a few episodes on 'Friends' Good day.


Mr. Baseball was the first VHS I ever owned, great movie. As for the prediction Tom, I hope you're wrong and I think you'll be wrong. I say tags win 90 plus games and make playoffs as AL central champs

Detroit Tigers should be always competitive enough to keep pace with the others. I really like them; they’ve always been my favourite teams in MLB. Just read about them here:

Post a Comment


In accordance with the Fair Use Copyright Law, Detroit4lyfe uses logos and registered trademarks to help inform the readers of D4L and to facilitate our hilarious banter.

Photos on Detroit4lyfe are, for the most part, used without permission but do not interfere with said owner's profit.

If you own a specific image on this site and want it removed, please e-mail us (Detroit4lyfe at gmail dot com) and we will be at first reluctant, yet ultimately happy to oblige.

Our Popularity

web stats

Link Referral

The topics tend to gravitate toward Detroit sports, but we also like outer space so sometimes there will be no gravity. Essentially, if you like sports with a humorous twang, this is the blog for you to bookmark4lyfe!


Blogs With Balls 1.0

Blogs With Balls 1.0
June 13, 2009 in NYC

Will the Wings Repeat as Stanley Cup Champions?

How Far Will the Pistons Go in the Playoffs?

Help Us Help You

Twitty Tweets

Oldies but Goodies

Topics We've Touched On

You Don't Know My Address...