Posted by Chip Stevenson
Andre Smith, former offensive lineman for Alabama, was once considered a candidate for the first pick in the NFL draft. After poor performances at the NFL Combine and his own individual workout, his draft stock plummeted. He's currently trying to repair his image with NFL scouts... but not with those man boobs, he won't.
In honor of Smith letting it all hang out and leaving his mansierre at home, I think it's about time we address the man boob epidemic in sports today. These guys are supposed to be world class athletes with Greek god bodies, yet every time I turn on a sporting event, I am appalled at the man loons bouncing around like there's no tomorrow. When I want to see boobies, I turn on late night Cinemax, not Sportscenter.
So, without further ado, here is the greatest collection of man boobs in the history of man kind. I bring to you The Man Boob All Stars
SALMA HAYEK DIVISION
Yokozuna: Yea, it's a stretch to call him an athlete since he participated in staged matches, but c'mon... when have you ever seen a man rack like this? Coming in at a whopping 684 lbs with jiglies the size of bowling balls, respectively, he blazed the trail for man boob enthusiasts everywhere. Because of him, fat kids around the world could dream of becoming a two time WWF champion and sparring with legends like Hulk Hogan and Bret Hart. Tip of the cap to you and your fun bags, Yokozuna.
Oliver Miller: The Big O is probably the fattest player ever to play in the NBA. While he was known as a serviceable center with good passing skills, he was legendary for his love muffins that he brought to the basketball court each and every night. It is even believed that he was suspended by the Phoenix Suns for showing up late on game night with a bag of McDonalds in his hand. Good for you Mr. Miller. Damn, just look at those things.
CC Sabathia: Having double dd's didn't stop the Yankees from giving him $161 million this off season, the largest contract for a pitcher in MLB history. While he likes to keep his knockers under wraps, you can tell that he has bombs hiding underneath his jersey that is always three sizes too big on him. Hey, I'd wear an oversized jersey too if I was trying to call myself an athlete when I had my own personal Baskin and Robbins on my chest.
HALLE BERRY DIVISION
Bartolo Colon: He's also the clear winner of the "Who Looks Most Like Andre the Giant? award, but his boobies are what really stand out to me. Pitching for the Cleveland Indians throughout the late 1990s, his high 90s fastball was only rivaled by his terrifying set of man cans. He's currently trying to make a comeback after a series of arm injuries, but, lucky for him, he's got a career in plus sized modeling ahead of him whenever he decides to retire.
Bill Parcells: The Big Tuna challenged for a spot in the Salma Hayek Division, but the fact that he's a coach and executive rather than a player hurt his case. Still, there's no denying the power of his knockers. He's known for being a detail-oriented disciplinarian who gets the most out of his teams. Who wouldn't follow his orders when staring at those angel cakes?
KIERA KNIGHTLY DIVISION
Phil Mickelson: He gets a lot of slack for his flesh melons, but they just barely make the cut. They just look huge when compared to Tiger's chiseled physique. Still, those nipples could cut glass right there, pushing him over the top and giving him a spot on the all star team.
John Daly: He clearly has an argument to be at the top of the list, but I dropped him down into the Kiera Knightley Division because he clearly has absolutely no shame in his tidbits. On the one hand, you have to respect a man who embraces his boobies. On the other hand, go to the gym. I have like 54 pictures to choose from that feature his breasts. Here's just one of them...
Charles Barkley (end of career), Michael Jordan (now), Rich "El Guapo" Garces, David Wells, Cecil Fielder, Prince Fielder, Robert "Tractor" Traylor, Shaun "Big Baby" Rogers...