Detroit4lyfe's Tipsy Tips on Fantasy Baseball

Posted by Bob Biscigliano in

It's that time of year again. We're just about two weeks away from MLB Opening Day, a National holiday, and that means it's right around that time when you baseball geeks should be holding your annual fantasy baseball drafts. Some of you may have already had your drafts, and if you have, then you are not going to benefit too much from this nugget. That's okay, there's always next year. For those of you who are in smart leagues and hold your drafts closer to Opening Day, then you will benefit greatly from all of these tips on fantasy baseball.

1. First and foremost, don't miss your draft. I did that today and it's not only embarrassing but you'll look at your automatically picked team and find out you have AJ Pierzynski. It's the worst feeling ever. Also, don't have your girlfriend or wife as the one to remind you. It's obvious she'll conveniently remind you it's two hours later than it really is, thus opening your entire night for her. You don't want to end up washing the dishes, cuddling, and watching "My Best Friend's Wedding." (This didn't happen to me, but I can imagine it would suck).

2. Always, always, ALWAYS drink beer during your draft. Liquor is not what men do during fantasy baseball drafts and milk is for babies. Beer opens up your fantasy baseball brainwaves and makes that 3rd round Christian Guzman selection seem like a good least until the morning.

3. Be prepared. Have your beer and cheat sheets on hand. Make sure you can quote Peter Gammons and Brandon Funston to defend all your draft picks. Most importantly, make sure you drop a deuce forty five minutes before the first pick, even if you have to force it out, Corky. You do not want to have to set up a queue mid draft so you can go relieve yourself. If you're a real fantasy trooper-pooper, you'll have a chair specially made for such emergencies. If not, be prepared.

4. Arrive to your draft at least thirty minutes prior to first pick. You want to rattle off as many jokes as you possibly can before it's time for you to get serious. Thirty minutes is more than enough time to pick on the guy who drafted a player who just announced he'll be out for the season because he's going to have Tommy John or ask another guy in your league if he's going to draft a retired guy with his fifth pick like he did the year before. Trash talking is one of the best parts of fantasy baseball drafts so make sure you allot yourself the time to take part in it.

5. Only quick comments to make fun of someone else's picks are acceptable during the draft; at all other time it's strictly business. When someone picks a second tier closer with his third overall pick it's okay, in fact, it's imperative, that you let them know how awful that pick was and how quickly they should probably just hand in their money and leave the league at once. Similar comments are acceptable for anyone who picks a Chicago White Sox player, particularly AJ Pierzynski.

6. If you don't have a Detroit Tigers player on your team at the end of the draft, that means you have chosen to lose. That's up to you. I missed my draft and not only do I have Queerzynski, but I also do not have any Tigers. I have already accepted the fact that I will probably lose in this league. I will pick up seven Tigers as soon as I am able to, but that might not change my poor drafting performance. Either way, I will try my best to rectify the situation. Which leads me to number seven....

7. Don't be the guy who has a dead team. I've been in leagues and I'll look at the managers list in late July and some teams latest activity dates back to before Opening Day. That's simply unacceptable, inexusable, and that, I will not forgive. I kicked two kids out of my league this year for not being active enough. Be active. (Sexually active, too. Not for fantasy baseball purposes, but just because it's fun.)

8. Speaking of being sexually active, don't be too active. Aside from the diseases that come with being too sexually active, being too active in fantasy baseball is annoying to those who have jobs and can't sit on the internet all day waiting for the latest closer to go down so they can pick up his replacement before anyone else. I'm pretty sure statistics prove that fantasy baseball players who make the most moves in fantasy are also the ones who are most likely to be convicted of online sex crimes. It's science.

9. The biggest key to having a successful fantasy baseball team is having a good fantasy team name. We wrote a post a little while ago with some great fantasy sports names. One of my favorites that is probably too long is, "I'm not a Bedard, I'm just a little Slowey." Make sure you spend at least 30 hours formulating the perfect team name. Incorporating some of your fantasy players is always a classy move. The two I always use are "The Big Dombrowski" and my original favorite, "DereLickMyBallsJeter."

10. Last, but certainly not least, always act professional with your team. Pretend you are the Owner, General Manager, Agent, and Coach of your team. Take your starters to gourmet dinners, travel to games and buy your pitchers hot dogs while they sit in the bullpen, and sit outside their houses at night to make sure they are going to bed at a respectable hour. I promise that's not creepy, it's nice. You want your players performing at their absolute peeks, therefore you want to give them the best treatment possible. If players are struggling give them some days off to let them get a grip, and if that doesn't help, put them on the trading block or simply let them go for the guy in your farm system you've had your eye on. This is all business and you should be treating your team like it's a two hundred million dollar franchise. Sign off on all league emails as the skipper, agent, general manager, or owner depending on the topic of the email. Anything less would be unprofessional and letting your team down. (Also, don't be afraid to publish team news articles in your league's forum to let other managers know of happenings coming from your camp.)

Fantasy baseball is a serious thing. Treat it that way. Listen to what I say, or you'll pay.

BallHype: hype it up!


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