You Know What I Don't Like?

Posted by Chip Stevenson


... I don't like when people complain about professional athletes making victory guarantees. Do you expect them not to believe that they are going to win before they play a big game? If I was a professional baseball player, I would guarantee 162 victories. If I played in the NFL, I would guarantee 16 wins. It's not even big news to me when someone guarantees a victory because, as a fan, that's what I hope every single athlete believes going into a big game and so should you. What would be a big deal to me is if a player flat out refused to guarantee a victory. That's exactly the type of player who I do NOT want on my team.

... I don't like the feeling you get when you hit a bad golf shot but have to keep staring at it the whole time to make sure you can find your ball. It's sort of like when you are potty training a dog and when the dog makes doodoo in the house somewhere, you bring the dog over to the stinky turd and make the dog look at it all while saying "NO! BAD DOG!!!" The bad golf shot is the poop and the staring at it until it lands is the "NO! BAD DOG!!!" Poor puppy.

... I don't like the Tigers bullpen. Todd Jones is probably cliped forever, Zumaya might never be the same after all of his freak injuries- torn finger tendon while warming up in the bullpen, exploded shoulder while moving boxes in his house, and now a fractured shoulder (I never knew you could do that), and Fernando Rodney has cemented his role as the anti-closer. Even more than that, the bullpen ERA is a full half run higher (4.56) than the league average (4.06), they've given up more hits than innings pitched (492 to 474), and hitters are hitting a cool .270 off them this year. Just flat out awful and as if Tigers' fans needed an extra kick in the balls, Jason Grilli who was booed out of town has a 2.90 era in one of the best hitting parks in the game playing for the Rockies. He would have far and away the best stats in the bullpen if he was still there. That one stings.

... I don't like onions.

... I don't like USC's uniforms. I can definitely appreciate classic uniforms- I love both the Blue Jays and Royals use of their old powder blue uniforms on a semi-regular basis this year. At the same time, I think that sports uniforms overall are starting to look ridiculous as more and more teams move to more modern looks. But still, can't USC update their uniform just a little bit? Seriously, they picked up on the forward pass and the helmet but they must have missed new uniform technology, which was invented around the same time. Even teams like Notre Dame and Michigan have updated their classic looks by at least adding some shiny material or something that makes them pop on tv. Watching USC's dull uniforms makes their games look like a team from the 1930s is playing a team from present day. For such a flashy team and a flashy town, you'd think they'd add at least some pizzaz to their unis.

... I don't like that I just wrote about sports fashion. I'll go chop some wood outside or go hunting and shoot me some dinner to boost my man points to make up for it.

... I don't like indoor baseball stadiums. I've been to two of them- the Metrodome in Minnesota and the SkyDome in Toronto- and they completely take away all the nostalgia that makes baseball so good. Who is going to look back 30 years from now and say that they can still remember this one time when Joe Mauer hit one off the baggie in right field or the other time when Delmon Young, pacman's boy, lost a ball in the lights and let a run score. Let's just ban all indoor baseball stadiums and call it a day, cool? I really don't think anyone would be opposed to that.

... I don't like salary caps. Really, I could care less about whether they make sports more fair or whatever. I simply don't like them because I have yet to meet a single person who really understands a sports salary cap. I just don't get it- what good is a salary cap if teams can go over it? What the hell is the luxury tax? What happens if a team just decides not to follow the salary cap? So many questions, so few answers. The only thing the salary cap is good at is making sports fans confused.

... I don't like the National League. A lot of people think the NL is a truer version of baseball and it goes back to the roots of baseball and all of that. I even enjoy seeing good hitting pitchers but doesn't it get old watching a player bunt 3 times a game? Doesn't it get old seeing someone come up to the plate 2-4 times a game having such a slim shot at impacting the game there? National League games should cost less to attend because 6-10 of their outs are infinitely less compelling than the better league. When you can legitimately ask yourself if you could do better at the plate than a MLB pitcher, something is wrong.

... I don't like that I haven't posted in a while.

... I don't like Sunday nights. The week ahead is staring at you right in the face like Gary Sheffield staring Fausto Carmona down after getting beaned and all you can think about is how great the weekend was and how you're glad no one saw that you woke up on Sunday morning with 3 empty twinkie wrappers in your pocket and a Cooking Light magazine in your bed.

-C. Stevenson

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