Whodunit?

Posted by Bob Biscigliano










I'm in law school now, so naturally I know a whole lot more than your average joe. After just 3 weeks of law schooling, I am able to recognize a thief just as easily as the highly capable hamburglar is to pointing out one. Allow me to plunge into the facts of what the hellllll I'm talking about... As I'm sure you have all heard, Rudi Johnson was signed by the Lions to a one year contract; after being released by the Cincinnati Bengals due to alleged hamstring problems. Rudi met with the Lions, denied all allegations of having fresh-out-of-the-box spaghetti noodles for hamstrings, and signed on the spot, or dotted line, however you want to look at it. As a result, the Lions were not going to need all the running backs they had on their depth chart anymore, so they decided to release Tatum Bell. In the grand scheme of things, Tatum Bell has been as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop for the Lions. All he really did was fill a spot. We needed experienced depth behind Kevin Smith, so it's reasonable to believe that was the only reason he was being held onto anyway. Rudi Johnson provided the Lions with a legitimate, more excusable, reason for releasing Bell-leaving him unemployed (If you have been a Lions running back in the past 9 years and you get released by the Lions, chances are you are not going to find a job anywhere else. Kevin Jones being the exception to that because the Bears are probably just as pathetic at that position). I digress. While Rudi Johnson was in a meeting with Matt Millen, most likely discussing groundrules of the stadium and notifying him of the location of all the convenient shitters, Tatum Bell was packing his shit up to leave forever. Rudi Johnson, planning on moving his stuff in after the meeting, left his bags in the hallway. His bags were of Gucci brand (a present for being in the Pro Bowl a couple years back) and full of panties, undershirts, jock straps, credit cards, and a money clip, clipped to the max of about $200. Everything a gay thief could ask for really. Somewhere in between the time Rudi put the bags in the hallway and the time he got back to start unpacking things into his locker, the bags were stolen. After originally thinking the janitors might have just moved them while cleaning, Rudi and Lions officials turned to the surveillance. On the tapes, fresh-released Tatum Bell was seen acting 'suspect' around the bags before he actually picked them up and walked out. Rudi immediately telephoned Tatum to retrieve the bags, but Tatum said he did not have them. Later, a random hooker returned the bags to the stadium...empty except for the money clip (Obviously, only Johnson and Sean Astin can make use of this name engraved clip). So clearly, we have a classic whodunit mystery. However, video surveillance doesn't normally relay illusional images. Rudi and Lion officials watched the tape and see that Tatum Bell picked up the bags. He clearly dun it, but Bell is claming, "I ain't no thief." He says that he was picking up bags for another released teammate and taking them to that poor dude's girlfriend's house, but mistakenly took Johnson's Gucci bags instead (Gucci bags most likely being a clear enough sign that, "These belong to a former Pro Bowler, probably not to a guy who just got red slipped." Then again, Tatum's never been to the Pro Bowl, what would he know about Gucci pro bowl presents?). Long story short, I'm not buying Tatum's defense for a second. Even the hamburglar knows that this is just a mere case of a dumbass trying to get even with the guy who just took his job. Real smart, Tatum. You're about as dumb as your name. As if it wasn't hard enough, good luck finding another job in the NFL.....oh wait, Cincinnati just released a running back and they LOVE criminals. Holding: Youdunit.
UNITY

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