Tigers 2.5 back...of 3rd Freaking Place!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano in

Chip isn't the only one sensitive to stinkiness

I've been half-ass following the Tigers lately. I don't mean that I've been sitting at the edge of the seat, half of my ass in the air, while I watch the games intently. I mean that I have the games on, minimize them, listen to the announcers and when something big happens I maximize the window to take a look. Law school can take away my life, but it won't take away my dignity. Anyway, I know enough to be able to say that the Tigers are in a major rut. They got spanked around by the ORIOLES (they were supposed to be the worst team in the majors this year btw) and then get mutilated by the Indians. Over the course of their recent poop skid, they have fallen not only completely out of contention for the playoffs, but also out of 3rd place in the division!! The Indians just traded away their ACE, CC Sabathia last month, have been playing most of the year without Carmona, Martinez, and Hafner; and even lost Tiger killer Paul Byrd, yet they are still on a roll lately and have overtaken the Tigers for 3rd place in the Central! Poppydick! I fail to see exactly why the Tigers are SO bad this year compared to the last couple years. Obviously, injuries have not helped (Bonderman, Willis, Jones, Zumaya, Granderson, Ordonez, and Inge have all been on the DL at some point). Give me another team that has had that many key players on the DL over the course of a season and are still near the .500 level. I can't think of any, but I haven't researched it thoroughly. Even with those injuries though, a lot of players have played really poorly over the course of the season as well. Allow me to go through the list:

  • Sheffield has decided he wants to do his best Neifi Perez impersonation. He's doing a great job because he has provided nothing for us all year. Neifi at least salvaged a no-hitter last year.
  • Inge is our new catcher, yet he hits low .200s. Almost 100 points lower than our last catcher, future HOFer, Pudge. I love Inge, but he'll have to start hitting closer to .260 for me to think he's even worth it.
  • Renteria is hitting almost 60 points lower than last year. Jurrjens is turning in a tremendous season for the Braves. Although I think the NL is a joke, I think he would have been our 2nd best pitcher still, all while Santiago would have been more than enough of a serviceable SS. Then again, hindsight is 20/20 unless you don't eat your carrots.
  • Cabrea got off to a slow start and didn't start hitting above .290 (which is still almost 30 points lower than his normal #s) until after the all-star break. I'm not worried about him though, he's LEGIT.
  • Ordonez, Chip's BOY, has no pop and his hair is getting old and greasier.
  • Guillen has suffered from hemmrhoids and ailing back problems all year, drastically cutting into his production numbers. He has always been made of glass, but he still produced in the past.
  • Don't even get me started on Verlander. He has had problems all season and fails to man up and correct them. He's not injured because he is more than capable of hitting 98 when he feels like it. He's just too big of a prick to want to change the way he's pitching. Unfortunately for Tiger fans, that means we might have to get used to him having a 4 ERA and that stupid ass grin whenever a team rips his tits.
  • Rodney seems to have figured his shit out, or his arm is finally healthy. Unfortunately, he didn't figure it out until we were 10-12 games back. I think he's real good when he's healthy and high. It's just too bad that tendinitis comes around as often as a doobie for him.
  • Zumaya may NEVER be the Zumaya of 2006. There's way too much party, and stupid decisions in that man. I hope he gets healthy, but a 100 MPH arm is really tough to healthily maintain, especially when you're doing kegstands and playing guitar hero with it too.
  • Alan Trammel is still a bench coach for the Cubs. He must be really happy.
  • Polanco is Polanco. He's hitting above .300 with no pop and a ginormous alien looking head.
  • Marcus Thames has been the only real surprise for the Tigers, but if you look at the big picture he's always had that pop. He still hits in the .250's with sup-par defensive skills; and let's not get carried away because 22 HR is not THAT much. Remember, Monroe hit .280 something with 28 HRs in 2006.
  • Granderson is another Tiger that I can't really complain much about. He is down from last year, but let's get real: last year was abnormally good. He still has 10+ triples, almost 10 SB, 15+ HR, all while hitting right around .300 all year. I'd say that's a more than serviceable year.
  • Todd Jones I love, but I hate. I love him because he's a great guy with a great attitude and really fun. I hate him because he hurt his arm at some point and didn't tell anyone and blew games for close to a month as a result. Arguably, he is the main reason we faltered when we had a shot at staying in this race. All because he wanted to stick it out with the rest of the team and help us make it back into contention. However, his alleged selflessness was more selfish and stupid. Not only did he lose games for the Tags over that stretch, but he created a bad name for himself as everyone who thought he couldn't close before got the last laugh when he was removed from the closers role. Damn you Todd Jones. I still love you though.
  • Dave Dombrowski is a legend in my book. I think he is a great GM, but I think he got a little cocky this off season when he thought our BATS could counter our sub-par pitching. He stubbornly looked at our pitching staff like it was going to perform like it was 2006 and was not realistic at all. I think pitching help was a DEFINITE need during the offseason and I think he got a little too confident in the guys he had. I think he kind of gave in, admitting his wrong when he made the Pudge for Farnsy trade, but by that point it was probably too late and by that point we needed a whole lot more than just a reliever who had been pitching really well the last month....

I've been meaning to vent like this since I drank my first beer in over a week a couple weeks ago. The drop out of 3rd place really triggered this post though. I hope you find this coherent and understanable. I blacked out and have no idea what I just typed and didn't edit it.

Ok....back to studying...on a Fri. night


The Olympics are Fun(ny) Part 2

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

It's hard to tell from this photo, but a reasonable person might believe this to be the long jump. I really admire these fine tuned athletic machines.....


Matt Millen Is a Funny Fantasy Football Team Name

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

It's that time of year again. No, it's not time to shower, Chip. Everyday is shower time. It's time for fantasy football! Everyone loves fantasy football because it allows for people to enjoy their Sunday's off from work or school and watch football with a real purpose (after you go to church of course). It also gives people who have crappy home teams (sorry, Drew) to cheer for other teams because clearly your team isn't giving you any reason to live, let alone go to work or school the next day. Instead of listing off draft tips, or the hundreds of reasons why the Lions will probably win 11-13 games this year, I think I'll just list off some of the funnier/more creative fantasy sports team names, broken down by sport, that I have ever encountered or come up with myself over the years of playing fantasy sports. Other than the draft, I would have to say seeing the funny/creative names people come up with is one of my favorite parts of playing fantasy sports. Please feel free to leave your favorites in the comment section:

DereLickMyBalls Jeter
Honey Nut Ichiros
Letters from Okajima
The Big Dembrowski
Byrnes When I Peavy
Preparation HGH
A-Rod Likes Coldplay
The Braun Supremacy
I'm Not a Bedard, I'm Just a Little Slowey
The Good, The Vlad, and the Ugly
Magglio's Locks for Love
Albert Pooholes
We've Got the Runs

Otis Thorpe
Alabama Hot Pockets
Sofa King Cool
Cheese Poofs
Shawn Kemp's Children
No Means No
Cleveland Steamers
OJ Hold the Mayo
Bill Laimbeer's Drunk Agaain
Shopping Sprewell
The Heinrich Maneuver

My Mom Moved to Egypt
Stanley's Jock Strap
Coalminer Cocksauce
Cam's Neeling
The Crosby Show
Nancy Kerrigan
Cherry Picking a Jacket
Bertuzzi's Brain Busters

Kitna's Kitty Kats
Tell Me How My Ass Tastes
Romosexual Tendencies
My Favre-ite Pain Pills
Favre Licks Cotchery
Turn Your Head and Coughlin
My Vick in a Box
Ki-Jana Monologues
The Scott Mitchell Report
Bill Belichick's Video Rentals
I Beg to Dilfer
Tomorrow Never Addais
Bobby Ross Says We're Going for 2
Jack Nicholson 1974

If you can think of any other one's please leave them in the comment section...I'd love to hear any other good ones....


The Olympics Are Fun(ny)

Posted by Chip Stevenson

It seems that all everyone talks about around here is Michael Phelps. So here is a welcomed Olympic break from the Phelps talk courtesy of Japan... I've never been happier to have Smith as my last name.

Happy Birthday, Chip

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Somewhere on my desk I was able to find a note that reminded me it was Chip's birthday today. Make sure you wish him a happy birthday. Currently, Chip is at Ohio State University about to start his first semester of law school. Although we all hate Ohio State with a huge passion(just because of the sports teams though), I challenge you, for Chip's birthday, to appreciate everything they have to offer. Most importantly, they are going to offer Chip an amazing legal education that he will benefit immensely from. I also will be heading to law school, starting tomorrow, and soon my desk will look like the bitch's desk above. Unfortunately, that means posts will probably get shorter and less lively as law school will surely suck out any remaining ounce of soul I have left in my body. However, because it is Chip's birthday, I am taking these case briefs and throwing them out the window and going streaking with a bottle of ketchup and some goldfish in my other hand in case I get hungry.

I also challenge you to tell me in what movies does Will Ferrell go streaking, and walk around with a ketchup bottle for a while, in another. Please feel free to test your Will Ferrell movie skills in the comments section of this blog.

Happy Birthday, Chip!


I'm Really Sensitive to Smells

Posted by Chip Stevenson

I wrote a post a while ago about how I was rooting against the horse Big Brown to win the Triple Crown because I like horses with clever names and his didn't really do it for me. Well, here is a clip of a horse that I WOULD root for to win the Triple Crown. Nothing like some good old potty humor...

Dontrelle Willis Sighting

Posted by Chip Stevenson in

I just came across this video of Willis pitching in Lakeland. What a disaster of a season he has had so far. After walking a thousand guys per 9 innings and hyperextending his knee, he was sent down to SINGLE A Lakeland to relearn how to play baseball. He's basically disappeared since then, and I haven't read or seen many updates on his progress at all. For all I know, he is too busy rolling in a bed full of $1 dollar bills that make up his 30+ million dollar contract he signed in the offseason to get back in shape. Still, I have read a few articles that said he was changing his motion a little bit to try to recapture the control that made him a top of the rotation starter. In the video, his trademark leg lick is way less violent and much more under control, which hopefully allows him to command the strike zone more than Dupree's girlfriend commands him.

I'm really hoping he comes back next year as a key member of the rotation. A pitching corps of Verlander, Bonderman, Galarraga, Willis and whoever Dombrowski brings in as a free agent definitely has some promise. It would be a rotation with a few question marks (Can Bonderman come back after having a rib removed? Can Galarraga continue pitching this well or is this just a fluke? And can Dontrelle throw enough strikes to stay in the big leagues?), but it would definitely have a chance to be very good... if not, dare I say, 2006-esque.

Dontrelle in '09!

Season kaput

Posted by Dupree in

I wish it wasn't so and in the back of my mind I'm still hoping it's not true but "Season.....over" is the exact text that I sent pacman after the Tigers latest blowup loss. Why couldn't they have just blown it in the 9th so I wouldn't have had to stay up so late to watch it. Now I'm going to be pissed AND tired in the morning. G'nite...

-The dead, lifeless Tigers....



Posted by Chip Stevenson

This is what every Tiger fan is doing right now after their 4th blown save in the last 5 save opportunities. It was Joel Zumaya's turn tonight to break the hearts of Tager enthusiasts everywhere. Seriously, how many ways can we find to lose a game in the late innings?

Season over.

Can the Real Closer Please Stand Up?

Posted by Bob Biscigliano in

I used to love playing with revolving doors and now I absolutely hate the idea of them. What's wrong with just having a normal, good ole fashioned, door that opens and then closes??? Todd Jones is rolling in his Closer's grave right now!! as the Tigers bullpen blew another save opportunity tonight (after Edgar Renteria made a costly error in the 14th) against the White Sox. Nick Swisher hit a 3 run walk off homer off the 3rd Tiger closer in just a couple weeks, Joel Zumaya. The Tigers now trail the White Sox by 7.5 games (again) in the Central. This loss will certainly cause an uprising amongst Detroit fans who will call in to local radio shows and bitch about how the season is over and how Jim Leyland should have died instead of Heath Ledger. I'm sick of it all and I just want Todd Jones back as the Tigers closer because despite his unorthodox ways, he flat out got the job done. The Tigers have blown exactly as many saves in the past week as Todd Jones blew from July 10th, 2007 through this season. That's 4. Tags have blown 4 saves since July 30th, 2008. Thanks to Chip, I have also learned that the Tigers have lost 9 games this season when leading after the 7th. Since 4 of them have come in the past week, after Todd Jones went on the DL, its safe to argue that Todd Jones is the most valuable piece of our bullpen. I'm all for finding a new closer, if Todd Jones isn't right. However, statistics and my love shows, that Todd Jones is the man. All I really want is the revolving door to stop and for us to find a guy who can get it done. Although everyone is saying the season is over, I'm not so sure that the Central Division leader can't be a revolving door either. Tigers will persevere and this whole bullpen debacle will all make for a great story and laugh in the end when Todd Jones shakes Brandon Inge's hand after the final pitch in the World Series.


Greg Oden and Kevin Durant Act Like Men

Posted by Chip Stevenson

Caught red handed. Wandering eyes will get you every time.


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