Posted by Bob Biscigliano
Around this time a year ago, Lindsey Lohan's lesbian love letters (WHAT A FUN ALLITERATION!) were exposed by the media and hot news in America was never ever again supposed to get much larger than that. That was however until I found out that I would be spending the 4th of July weekend in....(Nick Cannon, please do me the honors of a drum roll here)...........Canada. You read that right. Canada. I will be spending Independence Day of the red, white, and blue spirit colored United States of America in the country that is nicknamed as being merely an article of clothing; in our hat if you will. I have witnessed my fair share of un-American things in my day (the National League, nintendo Wii, France, and Hakeem Olajuwon just to name a few), but this is by far the most un-American thing of all. It's like putting spaghetti noodles in a cheeseburger or reading a book. It's the worst. Please though do not be fooled, I am absolutely not a turncoat. I have packed all red, white, and blue items of clothing, will be waving my Borat miniature American flag all weekend long, and will be listening non-stop to Kid Rock's song "American Bad Ass" on my Ipod. I am damn proud to be an American and this will be the only, and final time, I ever leave this superior country on its special day. Don't you ever forget that.
One feller who would probably love to follow me into a different country, or atleast get directions back to the National League, is Eddie Bonine. Bonine made his first start against an American League team today against the Twinkies. Only problem was he forgot that BP is held before the game as he allowed 5,000 consecutive hits in the 3rd inning, not even making it out of the inning. The Tigers went on to lose by a score of 7-0, the 10th time this season they have been shutout. The Tags fell to .500 where they sit at 42-42 going into what should be a really easy 4 game series in Seattle. There is no reason why they should not take at least 3 games in this series. I don't care if Cabrera and Ordonez are not in the lineup and Leyland has an emergency pre-game tracheotomy. We should be able to beat the down spiraling Mariners 9 out of 10 times with the Jonas Brothers in the outfield. I guess we shall see how it goes starting tomorrow at 10:10 pm.
In other news, the Stanley Cup Champions signed Marian Hossa to a one year contract today. He rejected a bigger contract from the Penguins to play in Detroit because he said he feels like the Red Wings have a better shot at winning the Cup. I have a few things to say about this signing. One, I was initially happy because a lot of Boston Bruin fans I know were counting on Hossa signing with them. Obviously this upsets those fans and I love it when they are pooping their pants and upset. Nonetheless, it's going to take a little time before Hossa earns my complete respect. The Red Wings just beat him and the Penguins in the Finals, so clearly he was on my hate roster for a week and a half there. Not to mention, Hossa kind of states the obvious when he says the Red Wings have a better shot at winning the cup than the Penguins. The Red Wings beat them just a few weeks ago. Not much has changed in those few weeks. In my opinion that's kind of like saying "the Red Wings have a pretty good shot at winning the cup this year" when the series was 3-1 Detroit in the Finals. Either way, welcome aboard Hossa. I'm sure I'll be writing good things about you in the upcoming season. Actually, I'm predicting at least one post being titled: "Holla Hossa" after you score a hat trick and stab a guy with your skate while celebrating. Good luck to you, and I hope you seeing all your new teammates party with the cup this summer motivates you to be even better next season.
I'd like to leave you with a little dance I will be doing as soon as I return to the states on Sunday night. Typically, I call this my 'no pants dance' but Shane calls it the 'tight white pants dance.' Enjoy.