Celebrities R US: Celebrity Interview #5

Posted by Bob Biscigliano in

Sometimes in life things don't always go as planned. For example, I was planning on the Tigers to be 35 games ahead of the White Sox at this point in the season and instead they are 5.5 games out of first. I was planning on the Pistons to have made a major deal by this time in the summer and instead they signed the 2nd greatest disappointing Kwame in Detroit, Kwame Brown. Sometimes though, something that wasn't planned comes up and can be a blessing. Today, I was planning on writing another boring post about the Tigers and how I think they will make the playoffs. Instead, I was graced with the presence of Chase FitzPatrick, middle aged women heart throb and right fielder #7 for the Davidson Wildcats. So rather than writing another typical post, I'm going to present you all with a special treat: another celebrity interview. Chase is known to most as someone who is self proclaimed as C-Fitz and known for sitting on the couch on Saturday mornings with his hands down his boxers, obsessively yelling DERP at anyone who does something stupid. Today, I am going to present to you the REAL C-Fitz. A heart felt, rags to riches story about as special as the autistic kid who scored 20 points in 4 minutes. (See video at bottom) It's a lot like that actually because in 4 minutes, I was able to pull off this amazing interview with this amazing, hope inspiring intervieweee....

ME: Tell everyone the story of January 19, 2008. The epic drink off between you and roommate Hugh Eden.
CF7: I remember that we were settling down enjoying a Steven Speilberg classic, Jurrasic Park. We had a bunch of guys from the team over in our apartment as usual having some chillaxin beers. We were just enjoying watching Jeff Goldbloom scooping triceratops poop out of a 8 foot pile. Hugh had been going out with his new girlfriend Kiki for a little while now and his fun level had diminished significantly so i decided it would be a great idea to put a little pep in his step so I challenged him to a duel. A beer off...winner take all...beer for beer...the man who finishes the night having drank/drunk/drunken the most beers wins. I'm a sprinter so I took off on a torrid pace. Hugh leisurley drank his beers (heiniken lights if i remember correctly) and i was off towards ChaseFaceville, USA. They were calling this competition the drink off of the century. A potential upset in the making. Me: known for booting in disposals, showers and solo cups by 8:30 was taking on a formidable fo who talked as big a game as mike tyson, without the bite. I knew i had a chance when i was on my 9th beer and I looked over to see that Hugh was whispering sweet nothings into Kiki's ear. It was at that moment I started coasting like Ricky Bobby...setting up the sling shot to victory. It was around beer 15 where things started getting hazy. I remember people clammering that my Chase face was starting to show through. People that dont know me should know that it gets to be pretty dangerous territory once the Chase face has been spotted, but I was still in control of my body. I fought through, went out to the parties on the court and proceeded to black out knowing though that I had consumed several more beers in the process through first hand accounts of my teammates. Victory was mine as cinderella had to go home before the clock struck 12 and he turned into a pumpkin. Hugh claims to this day that the victory should have an asterisk next to it in light of the fact that I lost count after 15. Sloth, who was feeling sick and didnt go out that night, remembers an 'earthquake' in Hugh's room around 1230. While I didnt come back to the apartment until well past 2. Science tells us that I had to have had at least 3 beers b/w those hours that Hugh had fallen asleep and me coming back to the apartment. Victory.
ME: Reallllllly compelling story and a great upset. A lot like the Giants over the Patriots.

ME: I know you have a twin brother. Does he live in your shadow or do you live in his?
CF7: Well I'm about a half an inch bigger so I guess I cast a slightly larger shadow.

ME: When did you decide that you wanted to play college baseball?
CF7: Inever really thought about college ball unitl I was probably a junior in high school. I was always focused on the next goal, like sophomore yr: making varsity. College ball never was a thought until I had to start thinking about college in general.

ME: At that point, did you know wherever you went to play that it would be with your twin brother?
CF7: Unfortunately, yes.
ME: Why?
CF7: Because we're bff's, a package deal, no other way around it. We're like Ross and Rachel, we fight a lot but in the end we're always gonna be together...like Simon and Paula.
ME: F'ing precious. Give me a minute break here. I'm gonna go call my brother....

ME:Okay I'm back and thought of a very important question while I was gone...Neil Patrick Harris or George Clooney?
CF7: Clooney. Sorry NPH.
ME: Why?
CF7: Clooney always seemed to take his job as Dr. more seriously than NPH. Although NPH was a genius, I'd want Clooney if I had to go under the knife....plus he has a soothing voice
ME: I'd rather have the genius over the soothing voice. Then again NPH might very well touch me in naughty places if I was out for surgery, so I guess I'll agree with your Clooney choice.

ME: Did you and your brother ever play doctor?
CF7: No...

ME: How do you like your current job at MLB.tv?
CF7: It has been a good experience. I finish on Friday, but overall it was a good taste of what it's going to be like as a corporate-mier.

ME: You mention Corporate-mier. I know who you are referring to, our good buddy Dan Obermeier, but the viewers do not. Please explain the Dan Obermeier you speak of a little bit so everyone can get to know him as well.
CF7: Dan Obermeier was a senior catcher when i was a freshman. He loved to chew while drinking his favorite beer: IC Light, a mediocre light beer from Pittsburgh. He mad out with Zage's ex-girlfriend. According to many sources, she is miserable and makes people want to kill themselves. Anyway, other's know him as Obie, Obermeier, Corporate-meier, and roll-over meier. He says dude a lot too. That is all there really is to know about Daniel. OH! He enjoys the occasional handy dandy from the hunnies and babies too.

ME: What is your favorite movie of all time?
CF7: Oooo that's a tough one. I have favorite movies in different genres. But if there's a movie I could watch over and over again without getting bored it would have to be...for horror: Dawn of the Dead, for action: Dark Knight, for comedy: Dumb and Dumber, an oldie but a goodie, for Romantic Comedy: Love Actually duh, and I love Hannah Montana but I never got to see her 3D concert in theaters, but I'm sure it was spectacular. ME: Speaking of Disney movies, have you seen how jacked Zac Efron has gotten?
CF7: No, but I'm a fan and admire his work. You can bet on it! Send me a link and then I can show you how jacked I am.
ME: I don't want to see how jacked your penis gets after seeing Zac Efron. I'll pass. Besides, I prefer the Jonas Brothers.

ME: Ranch dressing or caesar dressing?
CF7: Ceasar dressing. When in Rome, ya know?.... Get it?
ME: Ya.... I get it.

ME: How often did you try and suck a Davidson basketball players dicks after they went to the Elite 8?
CF7: I never tried to give fellatio to any basketball players, Brian. :-9
ME: What kind of face is that?
CF7: It's a tongue licking its lips......
ME: Ew.....

ME: Why do you love cougars sooooo much?
CF7: Dude, come on now. Not on a public website. I'm an animal love, I love cats. I had a Maine coon cat for 16 years and I'd love to raise a wild cat one day soon. That's all I can say about that.
ME: Discretion is the name of the game.

ME: What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?
CF7: A private tutor. Come on now.
ME: Ok. Ok. My man. I was just seeing if you remembered that one.

ME: If you were in a pool of diarreah and a bucket of vomit was about to be poured on you would you duck your head under the diarreah to avoid the vomit or would you take the vomit?
CF7: Is it my diarreah and vomit? Actually, nevermind. Vomit definitely.
ME: Why?
CF7: Because I've been vomitted on and lived to tell about it, but I've never been nor would I ever want to be pooped on. ME: Perhaps the best answer yet to that question.

ME: Last question and probably the most important...Daniel Craig or Christian Bale?
CF7: I got to go with Daniel Craig. Although both are great in their respective roles, I can't respect assaulting women, especially your mum. Bond is a womanizer but I don't see him as an abusive womanizer. I like my martini shaken not stirred. Not my women if you know what im sayin.
ME: Well, what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
CF7: That's easy. Nothing. She's already been told twice.

ME: Any last words, Chase?
CF7: Yeah. There's still 5 more days of Shark Week left on Discovery. Check it out instead of Brendan Frasier's terrible 3rd installment of the Mummy. And I had a lot of fun doing this interview with you, Brian.

It was a real pleasure to interview Chase. I'm looking forward to visiting his apartment this coming year and trashing the place, making his teammates cry, and never cleaning up. AIM exploding smiley faces....right now...... :)

Please be on the lookout for a celebrity interview with his twin Chris FitzPatrick. If you thought this interview wasn't funny, I assure you Chris will be funnier.



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