Posted by Bob Biscigliano
If there were ever any questions about my sexuality, I think this past long weekend would almost certainly raise the most. Besides the 2nd grade ballet lessons and the occasional man genital grazing my mouth, this past weekends antics were by far my naughtiest in terms of crookedness AKA gayness. Yes I did some good things during the week. For instance, I went to two straight Tiger victories at the COPA and followed that up by listening to the sweep of the ChiSox, against my mommy's wishes, on the radio while I was at work. Well my balls really receded quickly after that.
Thursday night, I was in a really good mood from the Tigers sweep, so I was taken advantage of and lured by my girlfriend into seeing the "Sex and the City" movie with her. I didn't give in that easy though. I was able to salvage a free dinner, a free movie ticket and free candy to go along with it as long as I just sat in the theater with her and not walk out ten minutes in. I thought I'd be able to handle it but when I walked into the theater I found myself trapped in the middle of the girls on "The View" and felt like I was getting mugged by hundreds of hormonal chicks at a PMS convention. I was scared and very uncomfortable; especially when one lady walked by me and said, "Ohhhhh there's a guy in here hahahaha." Then the movie started and I really wanted to Owen Wilson myself. Nevertheless, I sat through the entire movie jeopardizing every ounce of straightness and sanity I had in my body. After the movie, I felt so guilty. Before, I cursed any guy that ever saw this movie. I was a hypocrite. I had to speak to someone. So I confessed my sins to Dupree and Chip. Chip responded by telling me that I would be 10% gay for a month. I thought he was right.
Things were not going to get better for my rep though. The next day I travelled with my girlfriend for a romantic getaway to Chicago. Well, I wound up shopping for 5 hours and buying more stuff for myself than I ever have in my life. I sheepishly admit that I was giddy about the 8 floors at Macys and I fully admit that I'm probably 30% more gay for coming out of H&M with a stupid ass smile while carrying hundreds of dollars worth of man clothes. I did however try and remain cool like those guys in the ESPN commercials by continuously checking my phone for Tigers updates. I would learn later in the evening that the Tigers beat the Dodgers in game 1 of that 3 game set. I was not interviewed though. I was instead doused with the champagne of guilty behavior.
Saturday, my birthday, was no different for me in terms of totally ruining my knowledge of my sexuality. As I drove from Chicago to Milwaukee to see my sister, I ate tons of chocolate and other junk foods because I was depressed in Chicago traffic for two hours. It was my birthday and I was sitting in a traffic jam instead of opening birthday presents. I am now 23 but at this point I was acting like a 13 year old girl whose birthday party just got rained on. Any other man would have cussed "Fuck the police" and rode the curb at 90 mph out of the traffic jam. Instead, I patiently wait it out, and for what? To blow out only 22 of my 23 candles on my cute birthday cake??? Meanwhile, the Tigers win their 5th in a row that day.
That night I searched for a good movie or show to watch on tv. Looking back at it, I should have never paused at "The Notebook" and thought seriously about watching it. I was already trying to recover from seeing that other stupid girl movie on Thursday night. Unfortunately, I allowed my niece to take over the controller (un-manly move there itself) and painfully watched as she flipped to a Hannah Montana episode. I cried for 30 minutes straight because I had terrible thoughts while watching it: "She's just being Miley; and she's kind of funny."
The next day, on Father's Day, the Tigers won their 6th straight game in the city of Detroit, the ULTIMATE man's city on the ultimate man's day. Six straight wins in the manly city. This is where it comes full circle folks. Following the game, the Tigers travelled to San Francisco, a city that is known for its high population of homosexuals, to play the Giants. Get it now? We won six in the city of Detroit- a streak that began right before and ended right after I made my manhood mistake of seeing SEX in the City. See what I did with the words there? Anyway, the Tigers lost the first game of the series in the Gay...err Bay, ending the curse of my own homosexual activities. I am not 10% gay for a month. I was gay until the Giants of the gay city themselves ended the curse. Make sense? It's complete and utter science.
Now that my curse is over, the Tigers got back to winning again by beating the Giants tonight, 5-1. And I'm proud to say that I am back manlier than ever! Today I did over a thousand crunches, slapped my girlfriend after I told her to make me dinner, and walked around all day without tying my shoe laces. So manly now, right?
Moral of this post: Be comfortable with who you are, never accept candy from a stranger without first receiving oral sex, and skipping with your best friend is totally cool.
Anyway, if all that symbolism and metaphorical blahhh went way over your head that just means you're a midget and midgets are weird. They smell like cabbage. Regardless, the Tigers remain 6.5 games back, Fernando Rodney remains overrated, and at this rate Marcus Thames will hit over 100 home runs this season. Also check this out.. read the last paragraph from this 2007 post I wrote regarding Marcus Thames....he's good.
Finally, I would just like to congratulate Chip's friend from Boston on....shitting his pants. Seriously though, I forgot that the NBA finals were on tonight. That's how CAPTIVATING this "classic" series was. I give the NBA a D+ for this one.
All bow to Michael Curry.