Rod Allen Gets Drunk On Air, Calls Cabrera a Sumo Wrestling Skateboarding Punk Who Can't Hack It

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

So it has been brought to my attention by my amazing, awesome girlfriend (she didn't tell me to plug her in like that) that I have not made a post in a me so horny long time. To be quite honest with you folks, I have been just coming down off of the roller coaster high I was on from Davidson's basketball team reaching the Elite Eight and was just going to wait for the Tigers to win a game before making another illustrious post. Shouldn't be too long right? Well, we are just about a week into the 2008 MLB season while Kansas has highway robberied their way into the NCAA championship game, and I have come to realize that the Tigers may never win another game; thus cutting my blogging career as short as Mugsy Bogues. Like the swirlies I got in middle school, this has to stop..... but will it? If it's anything like the swirlies, then it might not....

As everyone knows, tonight the Tigers fell to 0-6 on the season, threatening the 0-21 mark that the 1988 Baltimore Orioles set. As if things couldn't get any worse for the Tigers this season, their first loss of the season AND their sixth loss of the season came on national television, so Sabrina's cat is out of the bag, or however that saying goes, and everyone on planet Earth knows how much we suck. Usually no one has a boardgame Clue what is going on in MLB outside of their own team until early May. Unfortunately for the Tigers, everyone knows that we suck more than a hoover vacuume cleaner that has no problem swallowing up pennies off the floor like Mike Illitch too; and it's only April 6th. Luckily the Tigers play Boston on the road starting Tuesday. ZIPPITY DO DA!

Usually an 0-6 start calls for a mass suicide, tear gas and some kind of riot, but since Michigan State University took care of that last night with their random ass party, I think I'll just resort to analyzing the hell out of what is wrong with the Tigers. Here it goes....Their bullpen sucks, their starting rotation is still suspect, and the hitters are way too tense and always swinging at the first pitch, which ultimately leads to a double play or another Britney Spears story hitting the tabloids. Outside of the problems on the field, Dave Dombrowski made a terrible decision with the red sweater under the blazer and should be spending more time finding better pitchers instead of color commentating games on ESPN2. Let's be honest here, it's the year 2008 and there is a lot of baseball left, but I want to make a sign that has 2003 on it with RED lines filling in the rest of the 8. In addition to all this bla bla I would like to move Sheffield to leftfield, Inge back to third and Cabrera permanetely to DH so that he can have his baconators every inning while we are in the field. Jacque Jones and Marcus Thames should be traded in a deal for relievers such as Brian Fuentes or Huston 'I'm from Texas but still spell my name wrong' Street (although he's not that good either).

Enough about the Tigers, lets talk about life. Call of Duty 4 is the greatest video game ever next to Sonic the Hedgehog. It is calling me right now and I must pick up. I'll see you soon....I promise.

GO CATS





2 comments

juan gonzalez must be rolling in his grave

Anonymous   says 12:47 AM

Dear Brian,
I miss your musk. I'm glad you've started posting again...keep your chin up with the tigs, and enough of that 2003 talk. In other news, in hindsight Davidson played Kansas as tough as anyone in the tourney, im proud of them. I think Steph shoulda bolted for the NBA though...I may eat my words if he averages 30 a game next year, but i dont see his stock getting much higher than it is right now. Hes gonna be fun to watch though, wherever he plays. Love you,
John Robert Eshelman I

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