Posted by Bob Biscigliano
Rod Allen got all silly and lots of fans wound up inebriated tonight. Do you know why? I do. Easy. The Detroit Tigers simply woke up their bats with a little smellin' salt, an annoying alarm clock, and Detroit bums poking on the shoulder, pesterin' for money. As a result, the Tigers came away with a 10-2 victory tonight over the Texas Rangers as Ramon Santiago homered for the first time since Jim Leyland was wearing tie dyed shirts and smoking reefer at a Beatles concert. I was approximately negative 17 years old at this time. Anyway, Edgar Renteria did his famous "Pudge Rodriguez from the day before" impression and had 4 hits, while Jacque Jones tied his career best with 2 hits in one game. Justin Verlander picked up his first win of the season, improving to 1-3; putting him well on pace to become the first Tigers pitcher since Dan Petry in 1987 to start the season 0-3 and finish with a winning record. Oh! Also, Magglio and Miguel went deep, back-to-back, in the 3rd inning. As soon as the Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris, M&M Boys, patent wears out (if it hasn't already), they will surely pick it up. It makes sense. Either that or they will just refer to themselves as the new Eminem in the dirty D since Marshall Mathers seems to have vanished without a recent smith-n-wesson gun or spousal abuse charge. (Watch. He will probably come out with a new CD this summer and shut me up. Oh, he is? Okay). Anyway, the Tigers like to play and are starting to come alive.
After the game, Jim Leyland made a pretty urgent news announcement....CANNON BALL! Carlos Guillen and Miguel Cabrera will swap positions. Carlos Guillen will now be our everyday 3B and Miguel Cabrera will be our 1B. I know exactly what Jim Leyland is doing here. He knows damn well that Sheffield will only play in like 37 games this year. That being the case, Guillen will DH because his legs are reminiscent of Mr. Burns' from The Simpsons. Leyland's loyalty to Tiger veteran, Brandon Inge is subtle, yet apparent here. He knew that by allowing Cabrera to eat all he wants and play first base the door will re-open to Brandon Inge, who will undoubtedly be a Gold Glove 3B in the next few years. If by some chance Sheffield takes a drink from the fountain of youth and comes back fresh as a pair of fruit of the loom underpants then I guess Leyland swapping Guillen and Cabrera will still hold true. At that point, however, Jacque Jones will probably be traded for some fungos so Inge can play leftfield. The Tigers will always be looking out for Binge.
In other sporting news, Danny Tanner flew to Detroit and gave a brief pep talk to Flip Saunders and the Detroit Pistons: "Wake up, San Francisco." The Pistons will try to rekindle the flame that took them to the 2004 Finals and avenge their game 1 Sprewell job to even up their best of 7 series with the Philadelphia, flip the numbers and add 2 and it's the, 69'ers. Game 1 was further proof that starters should not be rested as much as they had been before the playoffs started. Although Flip was giving the starters decent minutes in the final week of the regular season, the Pistons proved in game 1 to tire and unable to play a complete 48 minutes. Whatever.
The Detroit Red Wings will begin the 2nd round of the NHL playoffs against the Colorado Avalanche this Thursday. It is the first time since I can remember that the Red Wings have made it out of the first round. Acquiring occasional alzheimer's is sometimes necessary when being a Detroit fan. Hell, I acquire it every August when the Lions take the field. Speaking of alzheimers, Gary Bettman has banned Al Sobotka from spinning the Octopi around like it's a helicopter after fans illegally toss them onto the ice. Ridiculous. The NHL is pretty much DEAD in 48 of the US states so any awesome-ness to it should be allowed. The Red Wings should continue to allow Al to do his thing and assure Bettman is it good for the sport. In addition to standing behind him, they should pay any fines he may receive for letting his gut hang out of his extra-small t-shirts while spinning around one of the oldest traditions in Hockeytown.
The Semi-Pro grizzly bear that wrestled Will Ferrell killed his trainer today. Although other trainers said they saw no reasons why the bear would resort to biting his trainer in the neck, I think the fuzzy thing was just really f'ing pissed he was put in that dud of a movie. Here is a little documentary on the scene from the movie: