Opening Day is just around the corner

Posted by Chip Stevenson

It's been a long offseason for Major League Baseball filled with Detroit Tiger excitement. We made the biggest splash of the winter by trading for potential hall of famer Miguel "ill beat anyone in a donut eating contest" Cabrera and Dontrelle "i could suck" Willis. The Tagers draw a tough opening series in Boston against the Red Sox, but I really think that having our first few games away from home will be beneficial. The players will be able to get away from the hype and pressure and just focus on baseball. Hopefully, by the time the Tags come home for their first few home games, they will be in a groove and ready to go undefeated for the year.

ok ok, you caught me. The season started a week ago and the Tigers are partying like it's 2003. At 0-6, they are the talk of baseball for all the wrong reasons. I could hit better left handed than everyone but Guillen right now, and Matt Haggerty could pitch better than everyone we have on our staff (and he wasnt even a pitcher, just a second baseman with a laser, rocket arm). As far as disappointments go in my life, this has to rank near the top right next to the time when I found out I was white so I would never be able to dunk a basketball and the time when I learned that the tooth fairy doesn't give out cash money to kids over 9 (for those of you who dont know, I still have a baby tooth. it's nudged in there pretty tight without any sign of falling out any time soon. basically, i can chew way more efficiently than everyone else in the world, which is good, but when it finally does come out, i feel like i deserve a couple quarters to soften the blow, you know?)

I'm done talking about the Tagers for now because I'm sick and tired of feeling like that midget who I pitched against in high school. He was battling me pretty hard, giving every ounce of effort that his little 3 foot body could muster, taking everything I had to offer until the count ran to 2-2. My next blazing fastball to him was just a sliver outside, making the count full but he thought it was ball 4. So this little tiny human being who had no business being on a baseball field prances down to first base with the biggest grin on his face. It would have probably been the highlight of his life. Then the umpire had to call him back to face me, and you could see the disappointment in his face when he realized that he would have to face me, the most menacing presence I have ever seen on a diamond who threw absolute cheese for one more pitch, and I wasnt just going to lay down and give him the base because he was shorter than Gary Coleman. Just like him, I was walking around with a huge grin on my face before the MLB season started, basically sure that the Tagers would walk to a World Series victory. Just like him, I had to be called back to home plate because the season has started and we suck. Teams arent just going to lay down and let us beat them. Let's just hope that the next part of the Tigers season doesnt turn into an absolutely humiliating strikeout like it did to Tiny Tim back in high school.

lastly, I kind of want to expand the focus of this blog to things other than sports every now and then so here goes nothing. In high school, we had to do these Rube Goldberg projects in physics where you would have this elaborate setup and you'd like roll a ball down a tube, which would light a match on fire, which would blow up a balloon that had candy in it like a pinata, which would somehow throw a key lime pie at the wall, which would make the janitor slip on the floor, which would cause a lawsuit against the school, which would shut the school down, which would ultimately raise a little tiny flag at the end as the little ball that started the whole thing comes to a stop. anyways, it's sort of hard to explain but i finally put my project on youtube. it's pretty cool, check it out... oh and we got an B+ on it because my teacher had something against foreign cars


Anonymous   says 11:51 AM

Dear Chip,
First and foremost, great work so far. Second, remember when we flooded Mr. Berger's room with our Rube Goldberg experiment? Third, I am leading the NESCAC with a 1.000 OBP/2.250 SLG/3.250 OPS in IM Softball right jealous. Love you,
John Robert Eshelman I

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