Posted by Chip Stevenson
After about 16 years of schooling, including close to 4 years at one of the top universities in the land, I think that I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I have dabbled with the thoughts of becoming a teacher, or I could go to law school, or maybe I could even be one of those stock broker guys.... well, I was wrong all along. The absolute PERFECT job for me is to be....................... Miguel Cabrera's assistant.
I know what you all are saying- Why would he ever give someone like me that incredibly important job with all sorts of responsibilities? The Presidential nominees have to go through all of these debates and primaries, and he is just going to GIVE me the job?? Well, you obviously are not considering my impressive credentials. First off, I am a baseball veteran, having reached the absolute pinnacle of the sport by playing on the Detroit Country Day Varsity Baseball Team in 2004. Even better, I was the intimidating presence hitting in the 5 hole just like my boy Miguel does now for the Tags AND I even played some third base on my summer teams. So right off the bat, we have a whole hell of a lot in common, and I would be like the opposite of a sponge- I would willingly teach him everything I know about the sport so maybe he could make it to that next level. Next, Miguel Cabrera currently has 3 home runs for the Tags, including an opposite field two run shot off of last year's Cy Young Winner C.C. Sabathia tonight, and I had 3 home runs my senior year, including an opposite field home run against a pitcher that I think might be playing at Michigan State right now so we have that going for us too (or at least I like to think he is playing there to boost my ego every now and then). So clearly, we are basically the same player. On top of all of that, I also took spanish from Senora Labiano in high school for 3 years so you KNOW I'm muy bien at speaking the language. I even would be able to show him around Detroit since he is going to be there until at least 2015 and I know everything there is to know about the city. For instance, do you think he knows that Detroit is one of the only places in the U.S. where you can drive SOUTH to get to Canada? Me neither. I would be willing to show him all of the hot spots in Detroit too like the Coney Island at 15 and Telegraph where he can get a delicious chicken finger pita or a club sandwich with no mayonnaise or tomatoes like pacman gets all the time, and I could also show him the place where Applebees used to be until it shut down at Square Lake and Opdyke or something like that. I'd be his personal Detroit resource, on call whenever he thinks he needs some local expertise.
Now that I've shown that I'm clearly the best candidate for the completely made up position of Miguel Cabrera's assistant, let me explain why I actually want the job. First and foremost, he just signed a contract worth a trillion dollars. I'm sure he is very fiscally responsible considering that he is a 24 year old male athlete who used to party all the time in Miami until the wee hours of the night, has more money than he could ever possibly imagine, and has never had to save money for anything in his life the past 8 years or so, but I'm still sure that I could convince him to get me a couple hundred thousand every few weeks, right? Would that be so much to ask, especially when I'd be willing to split his laundry duties with him where I would take it one week out of a month and he would do the rest? Secondly, I already watch every single Tagers game as my wonderful girlfriend can attest to so why wouldn't I want to get paid to watch them? Sure, I'll have to keep track of his jewelry, clothes, and twinkies during the games, but what could possibly beat watching him go 4-6 with a home run and 5 rbis like he did tonight from the clubhouse? I'd even be willing to cook for him if the cooking entailed going to Little Caesars and picking up a Hot and Ready. If that's the case, I'd actually be killing THREE birds with one stone- feeding us, getting paid, and helping to pay for his contract because the owner of the Tigers owns Little Caesars. Maybe I'd even be able to drive one of his Bentleys to pick the pizza up. Lastly, I want the job because it would be really cool to be in the clubhouse, getting soaked with champagne, hugging the MVP (Cabrera), the Cy Young winner (Verlander), the Manager of the Year (Leyland), the 6th man of the year (Guillen), the rookie of the year (Todd Jones), and the batting champ (Ordonez), with the possibility of getting a ring myself when the Tags sweep the Diamondbacks in the World Series this fall. That would be the good life.
Ok, time for bed where I'm sure I'll have visions of Tagers rounding the bases after home runs running through my head