Honest Toilet Reading: My Dad Pitches for the Tigers

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

We can't get anything past you wise readers. Okay.... my dad doesn't pitch for the Tigers. However, he is very similar to the Tigers leader in holds this year, Denny Bautista. They share the same first name and same 98-100 mph fastball. My dad gave up pitching a long time ago though, to become a doctor and save millions of lives, not dollars. Actually, I want to apologize to my father for even comparing him to Denny Bautista in the first place, because my father is a good looking man who does not resemble Bautista (a mixture of Seabiscuit, Manute Bol, and Juaquin Phoenix) at all. In fact, my dad's name is actually Dennis, not Denny.

All this bally-total-fitness-hoo aside, Bautista threw a scoreless 8th inning in the Tigers 5-2 win against the White Sox tonight to get the ball to flawless Todd Jones in the 9th, who picked up his 1st save of the season. Some other notable events from the game include Dontrelle Willis trying to do the splits after one of his pitches and hyper-extending his knee, Jim Thome trying to make out with the umpire, ultimately getting him ejected; Grilli redeeming himself (for tonight); and Aquilino Lopez spelling his name right on his first ever autograph given after the game. Nice game fellas. For those of you who are really worried: Dontrelle's injury is not said to be serious, so don't worry; we should have the man in charge of the merry-go-round back by his next start.

I'm still waiting to hear from Dave Dombrowski about signing Chip Stevenson after Chip made his point pretty clear in his last post that he is worthy of a roster spot over Bazardo. I'm his agent, if you didn't know already, and I won't accept anything less than what Mike Hampton is making in Atlanta. Unlike Hampton though, Chip might actually make an appearance, but I'm not making any promises. Show me the money first. wink.

I noticed something pretty interesting tonight while I was watching, for fun after the Tigs game, the Arizona DBacks vs. the Colorado Rockies game. They flashed a promotion up on the screen that said for every run the DBacks score this season they will plant 10 trees as part of the Salt River Project. This means that last year the Diamondbacks planted 7,120 trees somewhere and at their current pace, will plant close to 8,000 following this season. I can totally see Green people like Eric Byrnes or Chris Young crossing home plate, high five-ing each other, and yelling out "Chalk up another 10 trees! Get me some seeds." That's really swell. I'm glad Arizona is deciding to plant some trees; it's good for the environment and our health. Another thing...I bet all the real heavy environmentalists are really happy the San Francisco Giants aren't doing this promotion. Are you GREEN? My friend Kermit said it's not easy.

I read on Yahoo tonight that a construction worker at the new Yankee stadium buried a Boston Red Sox t-shirt within the cement near the visitor's clubhouse, allegedly putting a permanent hex on the Yankees in their new stadium. Yankee officials are trying to find out how the hell they hired a Red Sox fan to build their new house. Did Babe Ruth come back from the dead?

In other sporting news, the Red Wings took game one of their best of seven series with the Nashville Predators yesterday. Hockey seems to be dead in the south so if any of my northern readers want to let me know what's going on, I'd appreciate it. I received some pretty hateful glares from people as I switched my school's union television to the Wings game the other night. It was almost as if I had turned off the Super Bowl to watch Ellen, which I may or may not have done before. Whatever. I stick to my guns and will continue to make people here feel uncomfortable by watching my team and a sport that is just about as known in the south as winning wars is. Too soon?

I'll end with a quote I heard tonight at Hardy's:
"A man that goes to bed with sex on mind, wakes up with lotion on hand."



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