2008 Noob Year Resolutions

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Well 2007 has nailed and bailed on us, Chris Caldwell style. It is now the year 2008 and a lot awaits all of us this year. For example, the Tigers are waiting for their World Series rings to be shipped, Inge waits to be traded, the Red Wings and Pistons await their championship runs, Jared and I await law school acceptance letters, and Roger Clemens will continue to wait for people to believe him. I know all of you have been eagerly waiting for a new post these past few weeks and today, I am giving you what has kept you up late night, crying for your blankie while you've been sucking on your thumb.

The past few days I have been living off of clementines (22 of the 28 are gone), cherry cokes, and hot pockets. Remarkably, my figure has not taken a hit like Mark Mangino's did after eating his teams entire bowl of oranges. However, my chins have started to multiply in a similar fashion. Speaking of obesity, Mark Mangino did not allow his team to dump the water jug on him after Kansas won the Orange Bowl. My friends and I came to the logical conclusion that he must have had twinkies in his pocket and did not want them to get soggy. Initially, my dad said that his team didn't want to win the game because they didn't want to have to carry him off the field. Kansas clearly looked beyond the horrible consequences of winning, so the least you can do, coach, is hand your twinkies off to your assistants and let your team douse you with some celebratory Holy water. Then again, thanks Mangino- no one wants to see you wet and it's not exactly the Miami wet t-shirt contest everyone imagines when they slip their hand down their pants after a lonely night of watching Girls Gone Wild commercials. I took the subject of Mark Mangino and I did something he has never done... I ran with it.

Pushing all the fat hanging over the penis aside, allow me to get to my resolutions (which may result in getting some of that fat):

5. Overcome noob, or newbie, status in Call of Duty 4 for Xbox360. Ya that's me up there. With all the time I will have 2nd semester senior year and the summer of 08, I will have plenty of time to achieve a status that will undoubtably make me socially inept and look more and more like Toru Iwatani.

4. Attend all the series final games of the major sporting event championships. Therefore, that would be Game 7 of the NBA Finals (Detroit vs. Dallas), Game 5 of the NHL Finals (Detroit vs. Buffalo), Game 6 of the MLB World Series (Detroit vs. Milwaukee), Game 6 of the WNBA Finals (Detroit vs. I don't know anyone else in the league) I will also attend all the parades.

3. Attend the Hannah Montanta concert on January 11th at Joe Louis Arena. This will not happen since tickets are already sold out. I ran into Hannah at the Java Hut in Birmingham and asked her for a couple tickets but she brushed me aside like last week's American Hi-Fi Flavor of the Week. I am never forgiving Hannah for this...

2. Win an Academy Award. Usually a no brainer given my through the roof talent but I really want it this year more than any other year. If I had to guess which movie, of the 11 I have coming out this year, I would guess my RoCo (RomanticComedy) will win it. Keep your fingers crossed

1. Perform my own lasik eye surgery. I barely trust myself with my eyes but when I get lasik I definately don't want anyone else touching my eyes. I will become qualified to fix my horrific eyesight and live a life free of contacts and Renu solution. The only bad thing about lasik is I can't just take out my contacts and throw them at the TV to blind myself from the Lions anymore... I'll have to resort to another means of blocking myself off from them.

These are pretty legit and I think everyone should have meaningful New Year resolutions. Leave some comments with some of your resolutions.

Pistons vs. Dallas tonight on ESPN- watch this future NBA finals matchup.

GO CATS
laidher

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