Posted by Bob Biscigliano
Sports fans, you have had a week to let sink in the miraculous trade that brought Miggy Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis to Detroit. Personally, for the past week I have done nothing but make lineups for every single game next year, projecting how they will turn out and completing final box scores for each; taking into account potential injuries, days off, and family emergencies. I've had only one game postponed. I'm just one man, but clearly it has been a terrific week for Detroit fans all around the Earth. Well, it gets even better today. Richard Belding has been nice enough to grace us with his presence and his predictions for the Detroit Tigers 2008 Season. Gentleman, please take off your hats and listen. Ladies, spread your legs. I present to you, Principle Belding.....
"Hey, hey, hey... what IS going on HERE? haha I'm just teasing you. I'm happy to be here. So as you all know, the Tigers made a smoking hot, Kelly Kapowski type deal last week that has immediately made the Tigers the best team in baseball and makes everyone else look like the tampon Slater wrestles every match(no offense Jessie). Today, I am going to feed you my predictions for the 2008 year for each significant Tiger. I have not included Brandon Inge because I've heard he might be traded? Also, listen you guys, I know you aren't matadors so I'm going to take the bull outside... step inside my office HA!.
1. Curtis Granderson: .303 BA 24 HR 75 RBI 123 R 27 SB
Curtis will continue to improve, breaking a MLB record by adding exactly 1 point to every stat category. He is a stand up guy (not once have I seen him in detention) with amazing writing skills. I print his new blog posts out on the library's new xerox every week and read them when I eat too much beef tips for lunch-wink wink. Unfortunately, Curtis Granderson will again get snubbed from an All-Star spot, but expect him to be called upon if someone gets hurt. After the completion of the season, Curtis Granderson will announce his engagement to Jim Leyland's 14 year old daughter, arranged by Leyland himself.
2. Placido Polanco: .405 BA 1 HR 101 RBI 145 R 0 K's 1 E *46 game hitting streak*
Unfortunately, Polanco's errorless streak comes to an end after one bone head play. HA! Get it? Polanco's head is huge. I had to. Anyways, Polanco really prospers from being protected by 3-9 of the Tigers order. Polanco becomes just the 3rd Tiger since Harry Heilman to hit over .400. He wins another gold glove and gets snubbed in the All-Star voting, losing to Cano. Polanco continues to hit .930 vs. the A's.
3. Miguel Cabrera: .348 BA 34 HR 140 RBI 133 R 155 bitches
The Tigers new Zack Morris quickly becomes everyone's favorite; and he slams all the Lisa Turtles on the off days. Jim Leyland decides to let Cabrera smoke his cigerettes during games to help him lose a few LBs. Cabs edges out A-Rod in the All-Star voting, forcing A-Rod to cry like Screech and rip Cabrera's nice purple silk shirt on the stairs in the hallway. Cabrera wins the MVP award in the All-Star game and attributes everything he does this year to Milt Cuyler who actually has nothing to do with anything good about baseball. All goes to show, Miguel can do whatever he wants and he gets away with it. It wouldn't happen under my watch, Morris... but I guess do what you need to to bring the ring to Detroit.
4. Magglio Ordonez: .726 BA 15 HR 162 RBI 121 R 0 Haircuts
AC Slater of the whole gang said he would do twice as good hitting next year. I agree. He has mastered hitting the other way and he will continue to get ground ball singles to every field. Magglio will have a drop off in homers and haircuts in order to keep his average high. It's not that odd that all 15 of his homers will be walk offs though. Magglio continues to get his respect, makes the All-Star game, automatic bid into Hall of Fame and there are atleast 3 Magglio Hat with Hair Days at Comerica Park this year. Mad props to my favorite Tiger.
5. Gary Sheffield .291 BA 28 HR 96 RBI 180 R 1 steroid convictionAfter being mentioned in Mitchell's report, Sheffield dedicates himself to improving his image and his game. Although he is somewhat old (39), Sheff decided to embrace his age and hit with his newly acquired walker. The extra shaft on the walker has allowed him to improve his batting average. His eye continues to improve because of his excessive carrot intake. Sheffield remains outspoken and talks frequently about how he hates William Faulkner and Cabeza de Vaca. He makes the All Star game as a reserve.
6. Carlos Guillen .305 BA 25 HR 110 RBI 102 R 3 pink eye infections
Carlos works very hard at first base during the off season and becomes more than adequate at the position. Carlos is so good that he makes Detroit'ers forget that Chris Shelton was dealt during the offseason and that the Tags once had an amazing diamond in the rough first baseman in another Carlos, Carlos Pena. Guillen continues his steady hitting and makes the all star game as a reserve
7. Pudge Rodriguez .308 BA 21 HR 85 RBI 92 R 2 cycles of steroid use
Exstatic that he was not on the Mitchell Report, proving that he is immortal to having a bad name, he takes up steroids once again. His batting average and homers increase and he does a solid job of helping Willis and other Tager pitchers improve their game. Pudge is voted to start in the all star game once again and during the dog days of summer a new Popsicle brand comes out called the Pudge-sicle. Yummy.
8. Jacque Jones/Marcus Thames .385 BA 28 HR 110 RBI 107 R a thousand boo birds The two platoon out in left field and are probably the weakest links on the this star studded squad. The predicted stats for these two are their individual stats combined and normally they wouldn't be all that bad. But in comparison to this year's amazing team, they are what Neifi Perez was to last year's team. I want to stop talking about them
9. Edgar Renteria .365 BA 15 HR 91 RBI 113 R 15 walk off singles Renteria will bat 9th because someone has to and he'd be a good candidate to because he is followed by Granderson at the top and amazing hitters follow that. Renteria would be a huge spark plug down there that would ignited many rallies once Jones or Thames make a crucial 2nd out with runners in scoring position. Renteria will make the all star game which would make a grand total of 9 for the Tigers hitters and pitchers this year, probably a Guinness world record.
Thanks for having me do this. Merry Christmas everyone, although I started this weeks ago. "
Belding will never be allowed to do this again because this was not funny and it took him almost a month to finish. Sorry for the delay and a good post will be out shortly after Christmas. Merry Christmas, and happy holidays.