Posted by Chip Stevenson
It's about that time of year when I write my annual list of potential free agents for the Tigers and analyze their chances of signing with us. This will be the 4th season I have done this, and if you are interested in seeing how freaking accurate I was the previous three times, just google "lemon party" and click on the first link. You'll see all of my ridiculously good calls (the Tigers signing Jose Mesa) and also some of my more embarrassing moments (saying that Magglio was finished). So, here's Chip Stevenson's Official Guide to Potential Detroit Tiger Free Agent Targets along with an Analysis of Their Chances of Actually Signing with the Best Team on the Planet for the 2007/2008 Offseason (available in hardcover right now wherever books are sold with a paperback edition coming out never)....
1.) A-Rod: Numero one, number uno. Let's get the big fish out of the way as soon as possible. We have an owner willing to spend. We have an unstoppable team. We have an attractive new stadium. What's not to like? I also assume that we have the manly looking strippers somewhere around Detroit that he supposedly enjoys. We also have a hole at third base, closer, left field, and head groundskeeper. Sign him up for all four positions.
Chances of signing with Detroit: 100%
2.) Francisco Cordero: Former Tiger who has excelled in Triple A since he left us... errr I mean the National League. He is really good when the game is on the line and is also top notch at being teammates with guys who throw bullpen chairs at unruly fans in the stands. We have no closer as of right now, and if A-Rod decides that closing AND playing third base might be a little much, I think this is a good call.
Chances of signing with Detroit: 99%
3.) God: With God already on the Lions' side with Jon Kitna, He is looking to become the first real good two sport athlete since Neon Deion. I see Him surpassing the accomplishments of Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders ten times over. This is an easy call, and I think God will have strong interest in joining the Tigers. God already lives in Detroit, and Ford Field is literally right next to Comerica Park so travel time wouldn't be an issue. Plus, both stadiums are top notch so I dont really see why He wouldn't want to be with us. We could use a little bit of good karma too especially after the debacle of a signing that Al "Not Divine" Levine was a few years back. This seems like a no brainer to me.
Chances of signing with Detroit: 666%
4.) Brad Lidge: Think of this scenario- A-Rod signs with us, buys the city of Northville for himself, and decides that he'd rather be our third baseman and starting pitcher instead of head groundskeeper and closer. Francisco Cordero also signs on to be our new closer but ends up getting mad at a Jankee fan and gives him a Stone Cold Stunner and a People's elbow to boot during a 24-0 Tiger victory. He obviously gets suspended and who do we have left to close??? Seems like another no brainer simply for the necessary insurance policy. Plus, with God on our team, I think Lidge will be able to overcome his mental breakdowns that have plagued him ever since Pujols took a poop on his stomach during the playoffs that one year.
Chances of signing with Detroit: 75%
5.) Matt Anderson: For those of you who dont remember, Matt Anderson was a former Tiger number 1 overall draft pick who threw a thousand miles per hour. He entered an octopus throwing contest during the offseason, tried to throw the octopus as hard as he throws a baseball, and his arm fell off. That was a few years ago though, and with all of the advanced medical technology in today's society, I dont see any reason why he cant return to his old form. Hopefully by now he weighs a little more than the 45 paper clips he weighed during his peak. Sign him up!
Chances of signing with Detroit: 85%
6.) Little Caesar: The owner of the Tigers, Mike Illitch, also owns the pizza place called Little Caesar's of "hot and ready" fame (only 5 bucks!). He will be spending so much money on the likes of A-Rod and God that it would only be fair to sign his little project and give him a chance in The Show. I guess we could give Caesar one of the positions that A-Rod doesn't want to play and maybe platoon Brandon Inge with him. Caesar probably wont add much in the terms of playing ability to the team, but it's a good gesture to a gracious owner. Plus, what better way to keep all of the players in good shape than to have Caesar bring free pizza to the park everyday? Win-Win.
Chances of signing with Detroit: 69%
7.) The World Series Trophy: Look, the Tigers are going to sign A-Rod who is the best mortal being baseball player in the history of the universe. We are going to sign Cordero to add a little intimidation/spice to our team. We are going to sign God who is the best immortal baseball player in the history of the world. He'll be able to pass out those angel wings like He did to Matthew McConaughey in Angels in the Outfield to everyone on our team except for Curtis Granderson who doesn't need them. After these additions, there is no way that Mr. Trophy wont want to come to Detroit. Start making the "World Champion Detroit Tigers" bumper stickers, car window flag things, and temporary tattoos right now.
Chances of signing with Detroit: 1000000000000%