Chip Stevenson on Chicken Wings, Child's Play, Fantasy Sports, and Au Bon Pain

Posted by Chip Stevenson

For all of you who were worried sick, Shaun Rogers did NOT break Jay Cutler's leg in the "game" a few days ago. Rogers has more experience than anyone can imagine with leg bones as his favorite food happens to be spicier-than-you've-ever-had-before chicken wings (he eats them whole, including the bone, without drinking any liquids other than the grease left over), and who can fault the guy for thinking Cutler's leg was just another piece of his favorite food? Here's a little analogy- Chicken Wing:Normal Human Being is to Wimpy Cutler's Leg:Shaun Rogers. I guess he didn't eat Cutler's leg because he knew he would be swimming in touchdown water within 45 minutes, and you know that's a no no... cramps galore. Smart man, I guess.

I also put quotes around "game" because in reality it was more of an inncocent, haha, giggle, let's smile together :) type affair that you play as kids on a playground. You know, games like tag, red rover, push the loser off the playset, break four eyes' glasses, etc. Now, kids all over the country will be avoiding that type of recess play and turning to "Lions vs. Broncos" in which all the big, highly athletic, and very intimidating kids will drop what they are doing and freakin lay out the wimpy kids who cant run without stubbing a toe and cant scream for help without their voice cracking. Boy, I wish I still had recess.

On another note... I think I hate fantasy sports. Really, it's because I pretty much suck at it, but let's get a couple philosophical points out of the way. First, everyone who is anyone and is a fan of a certain sports team wants that team to win championships. I want the Tigers to win the World Series, Drew wants the Spartans to win the National Championship, and Brian wants U.S.A.'s male gymnastics team to win gold and look fabulous doing it. So, let's say that Carlos Guillen (my favorite Tiger) goes 0-26 with 0 rbi's and 15 strikeouts during the 2008 playoffs en route to a World Series championship (I know that would never happen. Guillen would at least hit .600 with a 11 bombs). I really wouldn't care at all how bad Guillen played because the Tigers freaking won. On the other hand, tonight in fantasy football, I had a steady Willie parker going for me, and I needed 10 points out of him. Instead, he carries the ball 23 times for 42 yards, the Steelers demolish the Ravens, all the Steelers are happy, but I'm left on the outside of the winner's circle looking in, and now I have to cry myself to sleep. Secondly, you know why there are more me-first players in the NFL than any other sport? It's because of fantasy football. Every time Terrell Owens waves that stupid touchdown towel that he carries around to every game, you KNOW that it's because he is on his own fantasy team, and he's happy because he just wrapped up another winning week. There's no other explanation. How about this scenario- in years past, Chad Johnson was the creator of some of the best touchdown celebrations in history. He would plan them ahead of time and graciously accept the league sanctioned fine afterwards. This year? Not that many touchdowns, no crazy celebrations, and a neck injury to boot. Cmon, if this isn't as obvious as Kenny Chesney being gay, i dont know what is- Chad Johnson had himself on his fantasy team for the last couple years, but someone else drafted him this year. No other explanation makes sense. LASTLY, I really dont like fantasy sports because when I think of fantasy, I picture a tall glass of lemonade with one of those pink drink umbrellas in it on a warm, sunny day or setting up a few candles and running a warm bath with my new lavender scented bubbles or sitting down and reading a trashy romance novel in front of a fire on a dark, winter night. I definitely do NOT picture being angry that the Lions defense put up 29 points against me this week in a 5 point loss.

Ugh, I guess I'll go dive into the new Danielle Steel novel called Amazing Grace and put on my favorite jazz record. Until next time, I bid you adieu!
Whoa... speaking of "adieu", I will never ever ever eat at Au Bon Pain because I refuse to go to any restaurant who has the word "pain" in the name and I refuse to go to any restaurant who has a name that I cant pronounce. I urge all of you to do the same. okbye



Would Randy Moss last year also be explained by the fact that he wasn't on his own fantasy team or simply because he didnt have a quarterback who could lick dick let alone throw a ball downfield past 10 yards?

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