Honey, You Think KFC's Still Open?

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

So I've been sitting in the Charlotte Airport for about 3 hours waiting for my flight with Colonel Sanders staring at me obsessively from the KFC restaurant in front of my gate. I have been trying to ignore him, these two kids who are throwing their lives away by playing with mini skateboards have briefly distracted me, but I just can't ignore the Colonel's request. It's Thanksgiving time, I'm going home to Detroit, and that means it's time for yet another pride and jelly filled post.

Okay, I have to admit, I have no plan whatsoever on what I want to write about. I have been a little out of the loop of late in terms of the Detroit Pistons, Detroit Red Wings, and Detroit Shock because of a big biology test I had today. The test was on child development, nutrition and the male and female reproductive systems. Sounds simple and exactly what I learned in 9th grade, but I assure you it was not. Kwashiorkor and human chorionic gonadotropins is all I have to say.

Speaking of the glans clitoris though, the Lions will certainly engorge all my sex organs with blood on Thanksgiving. I am super sexually aroused for the game against the Green Gay Faggers on Thursday. Earlier today, I did something crazy and something I've never done before: I smack talked on a public Detroit Lions Facebook group/application page. In that smack talk, I punked out some Packer fans, guaranSeeged a Brett Favre injury after throwin 3 picks and Calvin Johnson's first career 100 yard receiving game on Thursday. Oh, I also said we would win. Here are my legit reasons on why we are going to win starting with the most legit:

1. I am going to the game. What? I'll tell you what....My career record at Lions games is ridiculously super. If they had a fan's Hall of Fame for winning percentage I would be in it. I mean we're talking like a .800 winning percentage. I took a couple gambles and attended some games in the last 5 years, but before that I was nearly perfect. The last game I remember losing was the game when we botched the extra point snap vs. Minnesota in 2004. But that was Joey Harrington's fault. Anyways, the fact that I will be in attendance wearing my gritty Cory Schlesinger jersey is enough reason to believe all the Lions fans all over planet Earth will be celebrating Thursday.

2. The year 2003. That was the last time we played Green Bay on Thanksgiving and of course, we won. 22-14, we rode the shirttail of the greatest Lion ever, Jason Hanson, to victory. Luckily for us, at the age of 73, he is still on our team and ready for a repeat. We set the precedent then, and we will follow through. Brett Favre threw three INTs in that game too, hmmm I guaransheeded another three this time.... hmmm.....interesting Butters.......

3. Brett Favre is old balls like the pepperidge farm guy. He is no longer on vicodin, alcohol, or a five year plan anymore. He is playing on only 3 days rest; and personally, I think Jon Kitna has the distinct edge here with God on his side and all.

4. Ryan Grant's ankle is ailing. Not a big deal since we have the 9th best run defense in the NFL. Either way, that leaves Green Bay having to rely on their 7th string running back. Luckily for us, their 7th string running back is webfooted Ravi Rao.

5. Calvin Johnson. I firmly believe that C.J. will have his first 100 yard receiving game in his career Thursday. He probably had his most promising performance the other day with his sick-nasty TD grab in the 4th qtr. After watching film on Monday, I am certain that the Lions will find a way to incorporate him in the offense more often and allow him to single handedly beat the cheese heads. I don't have any doubts that he will finally get to show off his true talent. Especially since Shaun McDonald legitimized the fact that he's a short, feeble, butter fingers of a 4th WR, despite his big game statistically. THE END

In other news, Lil Romeo signed to play basketball at University of Southern California. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I'm sure he's better than Aaron Carter, even though he did beat Shaq.

Surely, my flight's boarding.... and don't call me Shirley.


GO CATS (#25 ranked basketball team in the nation)

I'm Sorry, I Have a Tickle in My Throat

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Excessive coughing precedes this rant....So..... Dupree has the spinal nerve to come out with one post every 284759201194 years and decides that when he does finally come out with a post that he is going to write a short paragraph about how he became a Fudge Packers fan and bla bla bla was a great idea for a post. That's about as precious as John Madden's proposal to Brett Favre (while Brett was looking at a replay on the jumbotron, John wrote out "Will You Marry Me, Brett, you know you know ahh ahh" with his magic yellow marker). Yea, it's definately mushy and sooo love at first sight and let's ignore all the quirks we both have; like Brett's major interception and drug problems or ignoring the fact that John's a grown man who shouldn't eat so much turkey and shouldn't have crushes on NFL quarterbacks. I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't want to hear anything more about the Packers. They are good, but the Lions will put them in their place on John Madden's Favorite Day. Therefore, I am banning Drew from posting about the Packers again, unless they beat the Lions. If they beat the Lions on John Madden's neck looks like a _______ Day then Drew and whomever else wants to write a post about the Packers may feel free to do so.

In addition to this little bet, I have already made a bet with my girlfriend Kaley who is a coughcoughPackers fan cough cough. Sorry, it's the tickle. Anways Kaley, (who is the most beautiful girl I know, but has a portion of her brain that is somehow missing) and I have agreed that when the Lions win on Thankstaking Food Day she will wear my Cory Schlesinger jersey for the remainder of the evening. As a result, she will be shunned from her Packer fan based family dinner and put out onto the streets. The Packey family will then graciously accept her presence. If there happens to be some miracle whip at the game, and the Packers win, I will have to wear her skin tight, Brett Favre jersey for the remainder of the day. Either way, I feel it'll be a win win situation for me though, because if the Lions lose, coughcough it won't happen coughcough, then I can wear a jersey that is way too small for me, show off my muscles, and allow the jersey to naturally rip in many many pieces as soon as I eat a ton for dinner. The jersey will then be ruined, as will Kaley's hopes and dreams for the day. muahahaha Moral of the story: the Packer colors are green and puke; and Brett Favre is going to regret going off of his vicodin pills because he is going to be in a world of hurt on November 22nd.

Let's stay focused here people. The Lions have an even bigger game 4 days before the Thanksgiving Day game; a Disney doooozy vs. Rick Moranis' Little Giants. The Lions schedule is not getting any easier, so they need to make the most of this home game and take advantage of the fact that the Giants are coming off a tough loss to Ed O'Neil's Cowboys. The Lions suffered a few defensive injuries in last week's setback to Arizona, but should be relatively healthy every where else on the field. Jon Kitna will continue to use divine intervention and lead the Martz's offense down the field. I hope he can hold on to the ball a little better this week as a result of his increased Bible sessions during the week. All in all, if we can contain Devon Sawa and Ice Box, we should be in a good position to improve to 5-0 at home.

I don't even want to get into the Davidson/ #1 UNC game right now... I'll save that for never when I learn how to drop a 360 dunk, from the free throw line, with a blind fold on... naked.


Ya, I'm a Fudge Packer....So What?

Posted by Dupree

So today I'm at Lifetime Fitness in Troy and find myself wondering, "Why do scrawny kids with arms the size of toothpicks wear cutoffs to workout in?" This has baffled me for years and I just can't seem to shake it. At first I thought maybe they need to wear them in order to have full range of motion and do their exercises...but then again they're standing in front of the mirror with 10 lb. dumbells doing bicep curls acting like they're Hulk Hogan or something (who's son, FYI, has been arrested on several criminal charges, including third-degree felony reckless driving involving serious bodily injury, no biggie)....but that is neither here nor there. The true topic I wish to address is football.

Coming up in a about a week and a half is the annual Detroit Lions Thanksgiving Day game but the more important thing to me is that they're playing the Packers who hail from the bays of green (not the fruity bay, san fagcisco). The Packers have been my favorite team since I was runnin' around in diapers many years ago. I took a liking to them when I first saw them play in what had to be as early as 1992 when Favre took over the reins from the Magic man, Don Majkowski. What made it even better for me was that I absolutely hated the Dallas Cowboys and the Packers kicked them off their high horse in 1995. I just despised the Cowboys with a passion; maybe it was Troy "Ache"man, or Emmitt (Jared's father) Smith, or Michael Irvin (I always thought that white powder under his nose was from a doughnut he ate before the game, but guess not) but either way I hated their stinkin' guts and wished that they would all die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Ever since then, I have bled green and gold while at the same time wishing all the best for the lions, unless they were playing the Packers of course. So I hope that in the coming weekends, before the showdown in Detroit, both teams can remain atop the NFC North and give me one of the best Thanksgiving Day games ever. That is all.....for now.


The Hot Stove

Posted by Chip Stevenson

It's about that time of year when I write my annual list of potential free agents for the Tigers and analyze their chances of signing with us. This will be the 4th season I have done this, and if you are interested in seeing how freaking accurate I was the previous three times, just google "lemon party" and click on the first link. You'll see all of my ridiculously good calls (the Tigers signing Jose Mesa) and also some of my more embarrassing moments (saying that Magglio was finished). So, here's Chip Stevenson's Official Guide to Potential Detroit Tiger Free Agent Targets along with an Analysis of Their Chances of Actually Signing with the Best Team on the Planet for the 2007/2008 Offseason (available in hardcover right now wherever books are sold with a paperback edition coming out never)....

1.) A-Rod: Numero one, number uno. Let's get the big fish out of the way as soon as possible. We have an owner willing to spend. We have an unstoppable team. We have an attractive new stadium. What's not to like? I also assume that we have the manly looking strippers somewhere around Detroit that he supposedly enjoys. We also have a hole at third base, closer, left field, and head groundskeeper. Sign him up for all four positions.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 100%

2.) Francisco Cordero: Former Tiger who has excelled in Triple A since he left us... errr I mean the National League. He is really good when the game is on the line and is also top notch at being teammates with guys who throw bullpen chairs at unruly fans in the stands. We have no closer as of right now, and if A-Rod decides that closing AND playing third base might be a little much, I think this is a good call.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 99%

3.) God: With God already on the Lions' side with Jon Kitna, He is looking to become the first real good two sport athlete since Neon Deion. I see Him surpassing the accomplishments of Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders ten times over. This is an easy call, and I think God will have strong interest in joining the Tigers. God already lives in Detroit, and Ford Field is literally right next to Comerica Park so travel time wouldn't be an issue. Plus, both stadiums are top notch so I dont really see why He wouldn't want to be with us. We could use a little bit of good karma too especially after the debacle of a signing that Al "Not Divine" Levine was a few years back. This seems like a no brainer to me.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 666%

4.) Brad Lidge: Think of this scenario- A-Rod signs with us, buys the city of Northville for himself, and decides that he'd rather be our third baseman and starting pitcher instead of head groundskeeper and closer. Francisco Cordero also signs on to be our new closer but ends up getting mad at a Jankee fan and gives him a Stone Cold Stunner and a People's elbow to boot during a 24-0 Tiger victory. He obviously gets suspended and who do we have left to close??? Seems like another no brainer simply for the necessary insurance policy. Plus, with God on our team, I think Lidge will be able to overcome his mental breakdowns that have plagued him ever since Pujols took a poop on his stomach during the playoffs that one year.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 75%

5.) Matt Anderson: For those of you who dont remember, Matt Anderson was a former Tiger number 1 overall draft pick who threw a thousand miles per hour. He entered an octopus throwing contest during the offseason, tried to throw the octopus as hard as he throws a baseball, and his arm fell off. That was a few years ago though, and with all of the advanced medical technology in today's society, I dont see any reason why he cant return to his old form. Hopefully by now he weighs a little more than the 45 paper clips he weighed during his peak. Sign him up!

Chances of signing with Detroit: 85%

6.) Little Caesar: The owner of the Tigers, Mike Illitch, also owns the pizza place called Little Caesar's of "hot and ready" fame (only 5 bucks!). He will be spending so much money on the likes of A-Rod and God that it would only be fair to sign his little project and give him a chance in The Show. I guess we could give Caesar one of the positions that A-Rod doesn't want to play and maybe platoon Brandon Inge with him. Caesar probably wont add much in the terms of playing ability to the team, but it's a good gesture to a gracious owner. Plus, what better way to keep all of the players in good shape than to have Caesar bring free pizza to the park everyday? Win-Win.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 69%


7.) The World Series Trophy: Look, the Tigers are going to sign A-Rod who is the best mortal being baseball player in the history of the universe. We are going to sign Cordero to add a little intimidation/spice to our team. We are going to sign God who is the best immortal baseball player in the history of the world. He'll be able to pass out those angel wings like He did to Matthew McConaughey in Angels in the Outfield to everyone on our team except for Curtis Granderson who doesn't need them. After these additions, there is no way that Mr. Trophy wont want to come to Detroit. Start making the "World Champion Detroit Tigers" bumper stickers, car window flag things, and temporary tattoos right now.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 1000000000000%

Chip Stevenson on Chicken Wings, Child's Play, Fantasy Sports, and Au Bon Pain

Posted by Chip Stevenson

For all of you who were worried sick, Shaun Rogers did NOT break Jay Cutler's leg in the "game" a few days ago. Rogers has more experience than anyone can imagine with leg bones as his favorite food happens to be spicier-than-you've-ever-had-before chicken wings (he eats them whole, including the bone, without drinking any liquids other than the grease left over), and who can fault the guy for thinking Cutler's leg was just another piece of his favorite food? Here's a little analogy- Chicken Wing:Normal Human Being is to Wimpy Cutler's Leg:Shaun Rogers. I guess he didn't eat Cutler's leg because he knew he would be swimming in touchdown water within 45 minutes, and you know that's a no no... cramps galore. Smart man, I guess.

I also put quotes around "game" because in reality it was more of an inncocent, haha, giggle, let's smile together :) type affair that you play as kids on a playground. You know, games like tag, red rover, push the loser off the playset, break four eyes' glasses, etc. Now, kids all over the country will be avoiding that type of recess play and turning to "Lions vs. Broncos" in which all the big, highly athletic, and very intimidating kids will drop what they are doing and freakin lay out the wimpy kids who cant run without stubbing a toe and cant scream for help without their voice cracking. Boy, I wish I still had recess.

On another note... I think I hate fantasy sports. Really, it's because I pretty much suck at it, but let's get a couple philosophical points out of the way. First, everyone who is anyone and is a fan of a certain sports team wants that team to win championships. I want the Tigers to win the World Series, Drew wants the Spartans to win the National Championship, and Brian wants U.S.A.'s male gymnastics team to win gold and look fabulous doing it. So, let's say that Carlos Guillen (my favorite Tiger) goes 0-26 with 0 rbi's and 15 strikeouts during the 2008 playoffs en route to a World Series championship (I know that would never happen. Guillen would at least hit .600 with a 11 bombs). I really wouldn't care at all how bad Guillen played because the Tigers freaking won. On the other hand, tonight in fantasy football, I had a steady Willie parker going for me, and I needed 10 points out of him. Instead, he carries the ball 23 times for 42 yards, the Steelers demolish the Ravens, all the Steelers are happy, but I'm left on the outside of the winner's circle looking in, and now I have to cry myself to sleep. Secondly, you know why there are more me-first players in the NFL than any other sport? It's because of fantasy football. Every time Terrell Owens waves that stupid touchdown towel that he carries around to every game, you KNOW that it's because he is on his own fantasy team, and he's happy because he just wrapped up another winning week. There's no other explanation. How about this scenario- in years past, Chad Johnson was the creator of some of the best touchdown celebrations in history. He would plan them ahead of time and graciously accept the league sanctioned fine afterwards. This year? Not that many touchdowns, no crazy celebrations, and a neck injury to boot. Cmon, if this isn't as obvious as Kenny Chesney being gay, i dont know what is- Chad Johnson had himself on his fantasy team for the last couple years, but someone else drafted him this year. No other explanation makes sense. LASTLY, I really dont like fantasy sports because when I think of fantasy, I picture a tall glass of lemonade with one of those pink drink umbrellas in it on a warm, sunny day or setting up a few candles and running a warm bath with my new lavender scented bubbles or sitting down and reading a trashy romance novel in front of a fire on a dark, winter night. I definitely do NOT picture being angry that the Lions defense put up 29 points against me this week in a 5 point loss.

Ugh, I guess I'll go dive into the new Danielle Steel novel called Amazing Grace and put on my favorite jazz record. Until next time, I bid you adieu!
Whoa... speaking of "adieu", I will never ever ever eat at Au Bon Pain because I refuse to go to any restaurant who has the word "pain" in the name and I refuse to go to any restaurant who has a name that I cant pronounce. I urge all of you to do the same. okbye

Smile If You're 6-2 and You Don't Floss

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Alert Maury Povich! Shaun Rogers and the Detroit Lions are in fact the DADDY. The Lions decided to get silly, open a dozen cans of whoop ass, score 44 points, and make fun of Mike Shannahan's fake tan against the Denver Nachos Sunday afternoon. Adding insult to Cutler's injury, D12's Bizarre of all people rolled 66 yards for a touchdown after intercepting a Patrick Ramsey pass in the fourth quarter. As if the pick 6 wasn't bad enough, prior to barrel rolling into the endzone, Rogers decided to forearm shiver Selvin Young to the turf while saying, "Don't bring that koolaid to a grown mans party." After being carted off the field, Rogers was given a bowl of spaghetti-o's and oxygen, of which he ate the whole thing in 10 seconds.

Jon Kitna turned in another amazing performance, having not thrown an interception since our first meeting with the Bears in week 4. Despite the controversy this past week with his halloween costume, he quieted the analyst on ESPN that said this situation would be like the Scott Mitchell/Wayne Fontes halloween costume, ultimately leading to the team's demise.

Regardless, the Lions are 6-2 and headed to Arizona for sure..... next week for a game with the Cardinals. This will be a good chance for us to get accustomed to the area, scope out some local hot spots, get used to the heat and field conditions for the next time we play there in January for some thing most people like to call the Super Boner game.

In other news, George Blaha hasn't aged a bit and the Pistons have gotten off to a nice 3-0 start. They struggled with the Hawks tonight, but battled back in the fourth quarter to come out victoriously. Rasheed Wallace hasn't guaranteed anything yet, but I have. The Pistons will go further than the Boston Celtics this year. I bet Ray Allen gets hurt again and they don't make it past the first round of the playoffs. Call me in 6 months.

There has been some tragedy in the past few days that I must speak of ....Joel Zumaya. Zoom underwent career threatening shoulder surgery the other day. The story has been told that he was moving boxes at his parents house in California because of the wild fires and a heavy box fell on top of his pitching shoulder. He did not notify the Tigers until a couple days later and underwent surgery pretty much immediately afterwards. There has been a lot of skepticism with this injury though. First of all, why are you moving the bottom box when there is another box above it. It's pretty clear that pulling a box out from under another will cause the top box to fall. Secondly, we're not even completely sure the injury happened because he was moving boxes. There have been rumors that Zumaya was dirt bike racing on a ranch and might have fallen off his bike onto his shoulder. Clearly, this would piss just about everyone off in Detroit and cost Zumaya a lot of money, so naturally he'd come up with a good cover up story. There are two signs however, that point to Zumaya having told the truth about hurting his shoulder while moving boxes in California during the wild fires. A) The flames on his forearm were a sign of his demise from the day he got them tattooed on. B) I'm to blame... :-/ If you recall, I mentioned in a previous post in December that I wanted to burn down his game room so he could never play guitar hero again. Not only did I succeed in bringing the fire disaster, but I managed to get ZoomZoom seriously hurt in the cleaning efforts. I feel so Bartman right now so I apologize to everyone out there if the fires were in fact the true story for his injury.

I am going to move to Florida for a few days and think about what I've done. I don't think I'm to blame here, but I need a good few days of watching Oprah by myself before getting over this one if I am.



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