Oh Stop, You're Too Kind

Posted by Chip Stevenson

So in my many, many years of blogging experience, I have learned a few things about the whole system: 1.) the name "blog" comes from the original term "web log". 2.) John Eshelman's nickname is "tushy" 3.) Curtis Granderson is a better man than I 4.) Britney Spears spelled backwards is "I love ordering the big mac and the filet o' fish so that i can combine the two sandwiches and make my own special surf n turf while I dip chicken mcnuggets in vanilla milkshakes and then drink the sweet and sour packets afterwards to cleanse my pallet" and 5.) when legitimate bloggers stop posting, they almost always attribute it to being super busy while writing an unbelievable book that everyone should buy because what's in it will turn your brain to shit. Well, I am definitely a legitimate blogger and I have definitely stopped posting after my unprecedented run of two posts in two days a while back. Now, I know what you are all thinking, but, no, my book is not called, "How to Deal with Having a Perfect Bone Structure and Abs Made out of Limestone". While those attributes do in fact apply to me, I am not actually writing a book at all. I really dont have an excuse as to why I haven't posted in a while other than working out too many times a day in order to maintain the physique that put me on the cover of Men's Health. So, without further ado, my first post in a while:

The Tigers season is drawing to a close and their playoff chances arent looking too good right now. 4 games back of the jankees and a lot of games back of the indians leaves them on the outside looking in. I dont want to sound like I'm giving up because we do play the indians one more series and the jankees play the bosox this weekend and if either of those series end up in sweeps in our favor, we definitely have a good shot. Still, it's hard not to start facing facts and I just want everyone to take a deep breath as I analyze a few of the things that went wrong this year for the Tags...

1.) Preseason finishes with Kenny Rogers almost having to get his pitching arm amputated and Vance Wilson, a solid contributor last season, out for the year. Kenny won 17 games last year and also pitched a thousand scoreless innings in the playoffs so he was missed more than I think anyone really expected.

2.) Joel Zumaya's pitching finger explodes and he's out for a long time. To add insult to injury, the finger exploded while he warmed up to pitch against the Royals. He could have thrown left handed that game and still struck out the side in 7 pitches. If Leyland was smart, he'd have Zumaya kick the ball towards home plate against the crappy teams only to save his throwing arm for the good teams like the Yankees and the Birmingham Barons

3.) Rodney pitches like Matt Haggerty for the first month or something like that and goes on the dl twice throughout the year

4.) Sheffield hurts himself in one of only like two games all season where he played the outfield and it had nothing to do with the cyringes sticking out of his back pocket.

5.) Joey Harrington gets cut by the Dolphins

6.) Todd Jones forgets how to throw anything other than 90 mph poop chutes for about a month

7.) Craig Monroe gets traded for a pitcher who has allowed 8 baserunners and only recorded 3 outs so far which sounds prettttty bad until I learned that we actually tried to pay the Cubs to take Monroe off our hands but the Cubs said that taking that pitcher away from them was payment enough. In other words, we said here is a dollar to take Monroe and the cubs said no no no, if you want us to take monroe, put your wallet away because we just want you take this guy away from us. Price you gotta pay i guess for getting rid of Monroe.

8.) Sean Casey remains on the team all year

I dont know, that's only 8 of like 130 bad things that happened to the Tigers this year but I'm already depressed talking about it. It just seems like all the breaks are going to the opponents and all the bad stuff keeps happening to us. Still, if that's the price I gotta pay to have enjoyed last season then it's well worth it. There will never be another season in my lifetime like last year and I feel privileged to have been able to watch it. I'm looking forward to the rest of the season and to next year when we go 162-0 and the world series is cancelled after the National League representative refuses to participate unless a mercy rule is put into effect immediately. Seriously, I love this team and I can't wait to watch them for the next few years

The Lions won, which is a good thing I think. Well, it's a bad thing if we lose out on the first pick of the draft by one game. which is entirely possible. Who said that we can start winning road games anyways? I guess anything can happen though, and maybe this really is the year the Lions break out. Our offense looked real good and the defensive line was pretty dominant so who knows? One thing that I do know is that Ms. Lippy's car is green.

-Chip S.


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