Kitna Promises 18 Super Bowl Wins in 10 Seasons; Harrington's Still Crying "Diaper Rash!"

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

So the Detroit Tigers season has been over for about a week now, after being swept up by John Smith and the Native American Tribe. Adding mean insults and salt to injuries, they lost to the KC Royals at home tonight (while the Yankees won in a comeback fashion faux pas) to pretty much solidify the fact that they'll be home in October purchasing Halloween candy for the children in their neighborhoods and not playing on Fox with Joe Buck's peanut butter mixed with velvet commentary.

The day is now Sunday as I continue this post....the Detroit Lions tried really hard vs. the Eagles today. Unfortunately, Scott Mitchell's nostalgia costed the Lions big time. Very reminiscent of 1995, we lost a nail biter, 56-21 (Jason Hanson missed a field goal). Jared's boiiii, Kevin Curtis went off on the Lions in the first half, breaking all sorts of records and disc players. He scored 3 TDs and had over 220 yards receiving in the FIRST HALF. During halftime he realized he's really white and not that good so he didn't produce barely anything in the second half. Donovan 10 piece McNugget also had a pretty good game. Despite the blowout to a team that wasn't even wearing their normal team colors, the Lions' players were very confident after the game. Roy Williams made it clear that he hopes to see the Eagles in the playoffs, while Jon Kitna pretty much said the loss was meaningless since the Lions will go undefeated at home this year and split the games on the road. That means we'll be 12-4 and well on our way to the Super Bowl.

Joey Harrington lost today to the Carolina Panthers. Despite the fact I go to school in Charlotte even though I don't really care about the SexPanthers, I was really pulling for Joey today. He has had a rough life and I'm really concerned that he might try and Owen himself. However, he puts it all on himself. For example, today at the end of the half he led an impressive Falcon drive into field goal range that would tie the game. The clock was running and the most common sense thing to do is call timeout when there is 3 seconds left so the field goal will run the clock out and the other team won't have any chance of scoring or returning a kickoff into field goal range for themselves. Needless to say, Joey thought it'd be fine to call timeout at 14 seconds. His coach ripped him a new asshole and Joey began to cry. Luckily, Carolina did not try and capitalize when they got the ball back with 11 seconds left. As Jared Smith likes to say every night before he goes to bed, "Dear Jesus, Poor Joey, Amen."

I'm gonna eat some goldfish and throw a nice fat dip in at the same time....

But seriously, laidher


Cardiac Jones Gets 300 Saves; Kitna says "2 up, 8 to go... bitches"

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Todd Jones likes to party

Todd Jones closed out his 3rd consecutive game Sunday, in his favorite fashion, to pick up his 300th career save. He let the Twins come within 2 runs and let the game winning runs get on base before retiring the final hitter to record the save. The Tigers have now won 5 straight games, and 11 of 15 in the month of September to pull within 2 1/2 games back of the Yankees and 4 1/2 back of the Indians. The Tigers are in the midst of a HUMUNGOUSFUNGUS series vs. the Indians right now in Cleveland (Tigers are up 5-2 in the 5th). If the Tigers pull Sabrina's broom out and do some sweeping then they will be only 1 1/2 games back of the Indians and at worst still be 2 1/2 back of New York with about 12 games left to play in the season. If a sweep happens, I certainly like the Tags' chances of making the playoffs. However, I think anything less would make it hard to recover from because the Yankees have completely forgotten how to lose and the same thing goes for the Indians (except for when they play the Tigers or when the Tigers lose too). Either way, it will be fun watching my first ever Tigers September playoff chase considering last year it wasn't really a question whether or not we were going to make the playoffs, it was just a question of whether if it was going to be as Division winners or Wild Card winners.
As if things couldn't get any worse for the state of Minnesota (bridge collapsing, Tigers' sweeping, T-Wolves, state bird being the Common Loon), the Detroit "Future Super Bowl Winners" Lions defeated the "I'll have a MiniSoda, please" Vikings Sunday at Ford Field in a Michael Jackson thriller. Lions quarterback, Jon Kitna, made Christian Bale look like a school boy bitch as he took the team on his shoulder's and led them to victory. Allow me to elaborate....In the 2nd quarter, Kitna was getting tossed around like an expensive house salad and finally was hit so hard that he became concussed. I was watching the game at a Sports bar so I could not hear the commentating but the video feed looked as if something had happened to his eye. He came up with his hand inside his helmet and they showed trainers flashing a light in his eyes on the sideline. He appeared to be fine as he was standing on the sideline but something could have definately been wrong with his vision or something. SO, using my awesome assumption skills, I assumed he had his eye poked out by a very viscious valueless (V for Vendetta is a good moVie) Viking. Alliteration aside, I was upset and nervous that the Lions were being quarterbacked by JT OSullivan, a kid who was picked last in dodgeball during last week's gym class. The Lions were looking terrible on offense, but the defense was picking up the slack. Still, I knew the Lions were not going to win without having Kitna in the game. Sure enough, with about 8 minutes left in the 4th quarter and the game tied, Jon Kitna promised Marinelli that he was OK and that he was going to be sweet. Kitna came through. In 2 possessions in the 4th quarter he was 8-11 passing and put the team in position to win the game. A Roy Williams fumble and Jason Hanson missed FG almost lost the game for the Lions but the defense prevailed again in OT as they recovered a fumble around midfield. After that, Kitna decided to put the game in his own hands for the most part as he completed a pass to himself and converted a HUGE 3rd down by scrambling right for 6 yards and taking a rather large hit, giving him his 2nd concussion of the game. After a big run by Calhoun, Jason Hanson redeemed himself by knocking down the game winning field goal. Lions are victorious 20-17 and are clearly the best team in the NFL at 2-0.

As if the world didn't know how sweet Kitna is already, his performance yesterday was praised on today's PTI as gutsy, as opposed to insane. In addition to that, 3rd string quarterback, Dan Orlovsky told reporters that Kitna is the best quarterback in the NFL; way better than that actor for the Colts and the guy with the double chin in New England.


5 reasons why the Tigers will in fact make the playoffs

Posted by Dupree

going from 5 to 1 (least important to most important)
5. I just pitched a perfect game in MLB2K7 with Nate Robertson vs. the Minnesota Ho-Ho's (or is it Twinkies?)....this must bode well for when Nate (don't mistake me for Lovett) takes the mound tonight against Joe "Blow me" Mauer and the rest of their pathetic team.

4. Jim Leyland has pieced together his rotation for the stretch run. I hope this is a reason why the Tigers will make the postseason considering this stretch rotation is including Jair Jurrjens who has pitched well of late. The only thing I can hope for is that Yorman Bazardo pitches well Saturday when he's penciled in to make the start opposite Johan Santana since this series will be one of the biggest of the year.

3. The Yankees are playing a tough weekend series at Fenway against the B.ody Odor Sox. Hopefully the stinky Sox can come through and help us out with a sweepage of the Yank-mees. Terry Francona said they're playing for the Tigers this weekend and considering they stacked their rotation with Ed Dice-K, Josh (look up your cards) Beckett, and Curt "fake bloody sock" Schilling, I think we're in good shape.

2. Andy Pettite is pitching tonight for the Bronx Brown Bombers and his nose has grown even more since his last start since he lied twice to his wife. Thus his nose is now 3 inches further away from his face. This doesn't help the yankees cause for tonight.

1. Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez started their periods today (yes, they're on the same schedule, how gay). ESPN said that Jeter was unavailable for comment before the game cuz he was in the training room but honestly I think he was huddled up in a bathroom stall crying cuz Gay-Rod called him fat. This can only mean good things for the Tigers. So we have 5-7 days depending on their cycle to capitalize.

so as I sit here in my John Olerud style Tigers helmet (you know the one with no ear covers that he wore at first base) and drink my Bud Light, since I decided to splurge tonight and move up from Busch Light, all I have to say is ......

Go Tigers and Spartans


Bet On It

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

So I'm going to take the Akon route and place all the blame on myself, even though it's not my fault, for having not come out with a post in a me so horny long time. It is all because I have in fact been a bizzy bee, killing buzz studying for the LSAT and just having a good ole fashioned time being as lazy as the CVS cashier's left eye. Just so you know, a lot has happened since my last are 5 major things.... 1) The Tigers have dropped to 5 1/2 games back in the Central and 4 games back in the Crazy Card race 2) Zac Efron turned 19 and has become a sexy hollywood beast 3) Jon Kitna led the Lions to a Johnny Drama Victory in Week 1 against Josh McCown, a former 2nd string Lion (that says enough about the Raiders). 4) Magglio has F'ed about 2,946,573 chicks 5) Jared Smith has done atleast 1,000 abdominal crunches

Anypooh, I want to stay HIV positive and talk about the things that make me happy about the Tigers. For starters, they have definately overcome a ton of adversity this season (injuries, Neifi Perez, the singing hot dog man, etc) and have still faired well. Right now, 4 back in the wild card and 5 1/2 back in the division, they still have a chance of catching the New York Gayguys and the extinct (no matter what anybody else says) Cleveland Indians. Actually, it could be a whole lot worse. We could be the Cincinnati Reds or Brittney Spears' kids. As Chip said, I'm so happy for what happened last year and still, to be watching meaningful games in September (other than Lions or Shock games) makes living so much more worth it. Owen Wilson knows what I'm talking about. (too soon?) Either way, I'm happy to be a Tigers fan and happy they are battling their asses off, holding onto Magglio's back for dear life, trying to get a ride into the playoffs. I'll be watching till the end of the world, no matter what.

Oh, I almost forgot...Michigan football decided to take a rain check on competing this season. Lloyd Carr has admitted to being old balls and wishes he was eating jello in a nursing home and not coaching a Division 1-A (debatably a 1-AA) program. Michigan is 0-2 and plays Notre Dame this weekend. Michigan's RB, Mike no Hart, has guaransheed a victory over the 0-2 Fightless Irish on Saturday. Luckily for him, Notre Dame has also guaranteed a Michigan victory and admitted that their Coach has agreed to take on the main part in Supersize Me 2; in addition to having given up on coaching too. MSU remains 2-0 and last I heard, Deon Curry is still dating Kristin Lowry, who was in Jared's advisory.

On to the NFL... the Lions take on the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday at 4 pm. Detroit televison will have a split screen viewing of that game and the Atlanta Falcons game so everyone can watch Joey Harrington melt under pressure at the same time as the Lions dominating. I guess melting under pressure for Harrington is a whole lot better than being Vick's bitch.

I need to go to bed... laidher


Oh Stop, You're Too Kind

Posted by Chip Stevenson

So in my many, many years of blogging experience, I have learned a few things about the whole system: 1.) the name "blog" comes from the original term "web log". 2.) John Eshelman's nickname is "tushy" 3.) Curtis Granderson is a better man than I 4.) Britney Spears spelled backwards is "I love ordering the big mac and the filet o' fish so that i can combine the two sandwiches and make my own special surf n turf while I dip chicken mcnuggets in vanilla milkshakes and then drink the sweet and sour packets afterwards to cleanse my pallet" and 5.) when legitimate bloggers stop posting, they almost always attribute it to being super busy while writing an unbelievable book that everyone should buy because what's in it will turn your brain to shit. Well, I am definitely a legitimate blogger and I have definitely stopped posting after my unprecedented run of two posts in two days a while back. Now, I know what you are all thinking, but, no, my book is not called, "How to Deal with Having a Perfect Bone Structure and Abs Made out of Limestone". While those attributes do in fact apply to me, I am not actually writing a book at all. I really dont have an excuse as to why I haven't posted in a while other than working out too many times a day in order to maintain the physique that put me on the cover of Men's Health. So, without further ado, my first post in a while:

The Tigers season is drawing to a close and their playoff chances arent looking too good right now. 4 games back of the jankees and a lot of games back of the indians leaves them on the outside looking in. I dont want to sound like I'm giving up because we do play the indians one more series and the jankees play the bosox this weekend and if either of those series end up in sweeps in our favor, we definitely have a good shot. Still, it's hard not to start facing facts and I just want everyone to take a deep breath as I analyze a few of the things that went wrong this year for the Tags...

1.) Preseason finishes with Kenny Rogers almost having to get his pitching arm amputated and Vance Wilson, a solid contributor last season, out for the year. Kenny won 17 games last year and also pitched a thousand scoreless innings in the playoffs so he was missed more than I think anyone really expected.

2.) Joel Zumaya's pitching finger explodes and he's out for a long time. To add insult to injury, the finger exploded while he warmed up to pitch against the Royals. He could have thrown left handed that game and still struck out the side in 7 pitches. If Leyland was smart, he'd have Zumaya kick the ball towards home plate against the crappy teams only to save his throwing arm for the good teams like the Yankees and the Birmingham Barons

3.) Rodney pitches like Matt Haggerty for the first month or something like that and goes on the dl twice throughout the year

4.) Sheffield hurts himself in one of only like two games all season where he played the outfield and it had nothing to do with the cyringes sticking out of his back pocket.

5.) Joey Harrington gets cut by the Dolphins

6.) Todd Jones forgets how to throw anything other than 90 mph poop chutes for about a month

7.) Craig Monroe gets traded for a pitcher who has allowed 8 baserunners and only recorded 3 outs so far which sounds prettttty bad until I learned that we actually tried to pay the Cubs to take Monroe off our hands but the Cubs said that taking that pitcher away from them was payment enough. In other words, we said here is a dollar to take Monroe and the cubs said no no no, if you want us to take monroe, put your wallet away because we just want you take this guy away from us. Price you gotta pay i guess for getting rid of Monroe.

8.) Sean Casey remains on the team all year

I dont know, that's only 8 of like 130 bad things that happened to the Tigers this year but I'm already depressed talking about it. It just seems like all the breaks are going to the opponents and all the bad stuff keeps happening to us. Still, if that's the price I gotta pay to have enjoyed last season then it's well worth it. There will never be another season in my lifetime like last year and I feel privileged to have been able to watch it. I'm looking forward to the rest of the season and to next year when we go 162-0 and the world series is cancelled after the National League representative refuses to participate unless a mercy rule is put into effect immediately. Seriously, I love this team and I can't wait to watch them for the next few years

The Lions won, which is a good thing I think. Well, it's a bad thing if we lose out on the first pick of the draft by one game. which is entirely possible. Who said that we can start winning road games anyways? I guess anything can happen though, and maybe this really is the year the Lions break out. Our offense looked real good and the defensive line was pretty dominant so who knows? One thing that I do know is that Ms. Lippy's car is green.

-Chip S.

Sorry for the Delay

Posted by Dupree

I apologize for taking such a long time in getting my first post out there but I hope that my first showing isn't as poor as Yorman Bazardo's first appearance wearing the old english D since coming up from triple-A Toledo. Anyways I'll skip my intro since Pacman has already done so,(by the way those boobs aren't real) and get right into my frustrations. So I come home today eagerly anticipating an afternoon of pop tarts and Tigers baseball just like the good old days of middle school when my only worries were the zits on my face and onion smell seeping from my armpits (both of which aren't an issue anymore but thanks for your concern). I watched the first 4 innings and was quite giddy realizing that the Tags could possibly inch a game closer in the A.L. Central and wild card races with the Indians, Yankees, and Mariners all losing. We put up 2 in the 1st and tacked on a meager 5 more runs in the 5th to take the score to 7-0. At this point I was exhaling and starting to chalk one up in the win column...(Rod would later have to tell me to pull the eraser out which happens to be 2 drinks in the Rod Allen drinking game).

It all started to go downhill when I mentally jinxed Nasty Nate by thinking to myself how neat it would be if he pitched a perfect game or even pulled a Justin Verlander or Clay Buchholz and threw a no-no. Low and behold one pitch after my assanine thoughts, laidher to either one of those. After Nate battled through a tough 5th and 6th he handed the ball over to the bullpen with a comfortable (or so I thought) 7-2 lead. I'm guessing that Fernando Rodney thought Robertson was gonna go the distance and decided to light up a post game jibber a little early cuz he came out of the pen with eyes more red than those gigantic ones in the clear eyes commercial(pictured above in the bullpen before warming up). He sure as hell pitched like it too allowing the A's to crawl back into the game before Timmy ByrdaKKKKK came in and sent Panama Red Rodney into the dugout where he ate sunflower seeds (some might call that a case of the munchies). Two innings later T.J. came in to close it out and instead decided to ruin my fantasy ERA for the day allowing Kurt Suzuki to ya ya and tie the game who by the way needs to stop grinning after he hits a home run. Quit grinnin dang. (cJ.A.S.). Anyways Jones came very close to losin the game right there in the 9th but decided to let a youngster take the heat and blow it in the 10th. I mean I'm all for giving young guys a shot but allowing Yorman Bazardo to pitch the 10th inning of a game that the Tigers desperately needed seems a lil silly to me. I would've been more comfortable with Jason Grilli in the game. Well not really but you know what I mean. But Bazardo comes in and before I can even read the name on the back of his jersey, the games over. Tigers lose 8-7 and blow a golden opportunity to gain a game in the standings.

In other news, I made one of the best fantasy draft picks evvvver tonight by stealing Michael Vick in the 15th round of my yahoo draft. No one expected it but i guarantee he's gonna have a great year (new rule states 100 pts for the team with highest total # of days in jail...I've got that locked up). Chris Henry and Pacman Jones were taken later in the final round. I'll let ya know how it works out for me.

Go Spartans (who don't lose to I-AA teams)



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