Voodoo Child

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Just when sports analysts were starting to count the Tigers out, the Detroit Tigers decided to start trying again. With Drew Carey's team in town for a pivotal happy life or I'll slit my wrists series, Jair Jurrjens took the bump for only his 2nd career start (His 1st being @ Cleveland 5 days ago). Jurrjens may only be 21 years old, but last I checked 21 is the legal drinking age. J.J. funneled three beers before the game and threw amazing. The Tigers won 2-1 thanks to Jurrjens and company's combo 1 hitter, Mags and Guillen's back-to-back bombs, and a firm positive attitude. By the way,Jurrjens had a no no for 5 1/3 innings before letting Jhonny (terrible way to spell Johnny) Peralta hit a solo home run.

As if all that isn't really cool news enough, Joel Zumaya returned from the DL tonight. After Jurrjens walked Travis Hafner with 2 outs in the 7th inning, Leyland summoned the flame thrower to get out Ryan Garko to end the inning. The appearance was much anticipated as Zumaya came out to a standing ovation while confetti and the sweet soothing sounds of Jimi Hendrix surrounded the stadium. The stadium had a 1 minute 16 second dance party welcoming him back. Zumaya noticed how pumped the fans were when he started warming up. "They were frickin up when I first started to warm up," Zumaya said. He carried that momentum into the game. His first pitch was clocked at 98 mph fastball right down the Pujol for strike one. After just a few more pitches (one that touched 99), Garko grounded out to 2nd base. Although it wasn't exactly what Zumaya wanted (a strikeout on a 115 mph changeup), he didnt't seem to mind because he was all jacked up on Red Bull and gave his signature fist pump after Casey caught the ball from Polanco. His return is a very good sign for the Tigers because now he can put the bullpen on his back, taking tons of pressure off of the weaker, less than adequate pitchers (cough cough Grilli's face looks like a dotus cough cough). All in all, the Tigers pulled within a half game of 1st place in the Central and I was able to eat my Papa John's pizza with glee.
Touching on some recent news, Cameron "Metal Mouth" Maybin was called up from AA Erie at the beginning of the Yankees series. Craig Monroe was designated for assignment. I wasn't certain whether to be really excited for Maybin or really sad for Monroe. Craig was such a vital part of our team last year it's definately depressing to see him suck so much now. I would have hated to be in the room when he had to tell his mommy. However, his suckiness is very good news for Maybin who is definately the future of the Tags OF if not the future of the MLB. Although he does have braces, it is important to note that Gary Sheffield had braces when he first broke into the league. Look at him now...he has amazing teeth. No worries there. Also, I am proud to say that I did accurately predict Maybin's first career home run when he hit it off of Roger Clemens. Two of my brothers, my dad, and I were watching the game on Fox in a bar on Martha's Vineyard. My dad was being heckled by my mother to leave and walk around the island. I said, and I quote myself, "Ok we can leave after Maybin hits a home run right here." 2 pitches later he hits a monster bomb over the 408 sign at Yankee Stadium. Afterwards, we walked to some store. It was lovely.

Verlander throws tomorrow vs. the crafty Byrd man. Zumaya will probably pitch again in relief if the game is semi close. I'm amped.

Murder, She Wrote is on the Hallmark channel. Laidher


Time to Nut Up

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

The Tigers squandered an opportunity to take a respectable 3 game lead over the Indians by losing on the eve of Chip Stevenson's 21st when Cleveland was idle, and following that up with a 2 game split with Cleveland. So now the Tigers and Indians are kissing their sisters and tied for first. The Tags now head into what will be a difficult four game series with the Yankmees in New York while the Indians face the solid AAA Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

The Tigers will try to ignore Alex Rodriguez's murse in these next four games and focus on picking up atleast 3 wins. E-Rod may have not officially came out of the closet, but apparently I'm not the only one who thinks he has a Pride bumpersticker and bag of dildos in his trunk. When the Yankees honored him for his 500th home run the other night the two portraits and sculpture presented to him were painted with the colors of the rainbow. Hands on your hips everyone. Interesting.

Some other notable information of late is that Polanco, Pudge, and Monroe all missed tonight's game because of the flu. Rumor has it that they in fact do not have a full blown out case of the flu but that Monroe's K's were starting to give everyone a minor cold (specifically Pudge, Polanco and himself). Also, Kevin Costner has been sleeping with their entire families. Jim Leyland scratched them from the lineup as merely a precautionary measure. I fully expect them to return tomorrow, although I hear Kevin Costner is taking the bump in game 1 because we need a perfect game.

Speaking of perfect games, Placido Polanco broke the major league record for conesecutive games played without making an error. After the game Monday, Polly has failed to make an error in 144 straight games. Congratulations to him. I'm proud to say that I was at the game when he broke the record and I will definately share the great story with my grandchildren so they can one day tell their own grandchildren and so on. Screw Barry Bonds.

Fox Sports online has recently written an article proclaiming the winners to end of the season awards. For AL MVP...drum roll....they say that GayRod is the winner, HANDS DOWN. Exsqueeze me? A Baking Powder??? Magglio Ordonez is for sure the AL MVP right now, hands up in the air for celebration and unanimity. Ya, Ya, Blah, Blah, Rodriguez was en fuego during the first half of the year, blah blah with numbers that definately made him a first half AL MVP blah blah- despite his flamboyance and teams blah blah .500 record. But listen...As shown, his stud numbers were not helping his team. Lately, the Yankees have been unbeatable; improving to a point where they now share a lead in the Wild Card standings. HOWEVER, A-Rod has only been hitting .259 with 9 homers since that turn around. Isn't an MVP supposed to be the leader and Most VALUABLE Player to his team?? Now let's look at Magglio. His first half was as equally impressive to A-Rods minus the bombs, but Magg's team was in first place. His numbers in the 2nd half have declined too, but not nearly as much. He is still hitting .339 since the break; oh and he leads the Major Leagues in Batting Average if that counts for anything. So I would just like to go on record and say that Fox Sports is wrong and my blog is superior to all that say Magglio does not deserve the AL MVP, if not the MVP of the universe. P.S. Don't forget about Magglio Ordonez 'hat with hair' day for the first 15,000 fans at Comerica Park. Should rank right up with there with Christmas.

In other news, I only recognize about 7 names on the Detroit Lions roster. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it doesn't matter when you're undefeated.

I was beefing about something earlier and I can't remember it now....Oh well. Maybe Laidher.


Justin Upton Comes a Single Shy of Becoming Youngest Player to Hit for Cycle....Bonds Hits 756

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Justin Upton of the Arizona Diamondbacks had a pretty good approach at the dish tonight. Entering the 9th he was 3-3 with a 3B, HR, and 2B; just a single shy of becoming the youngest player in the history of MLB to hit for the cycle. In the 9th inning he hit a hard ball near the hole but the Bucs 2B made a decent play. Upton, brother of Tampa Bay Devil Rays B.J. Upton, still has 93 days to accomplish the feat. It astonishes me that Justin was at the same showcase as I was in high school. Look at the striking resemblences!!

Justin's performance tonight was overshadowed by something that was a little bit bigger of a deal.......the end of the relationship between Jason Grilli and I. Entering the 8th inning with a 6-1 lead, Jason allowed 5 runs, 4 of them coming off a grand salami sandwich, tying the game. Nate Robertson was firery hot with anger because he was in line for the win and was hoping to don his new haircut in celebratory post game interviews. Stupid Jason Grilli, we're through. He is no longer allowed to sleep over at my house or wear my favorite Inspector Gadget pj's. I probably will never talk to him again unless he blows the World Series or doesn't give me back my fuggin Captain America action figure. If either of those happen, I will probably write him a letter containing anthrax and sign it as from Nazr Mohammed. Luckily, the Tigers kept their bats in the oven over night and won 9-6. Todd Jones picked up another save in the 9th giving him 30 on the year and 293 for his career. ESPN plans on being at every Tigers game after he reaches 299 with hopes of capturing his 300th save LIVE. I'm sure there will be a grand feast with streamers for everyone afterwards. Bud Selig will bring Jonesy all the finest meats and cheeses in all the lands.

Oh! I almost forgot to touch on this subject. Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run tonight. Dimitri Young said, "whooptee-dooo," and slapped his wife in a natural response to the occasion.
Although I am a HUGE advocate of the 'I Hope Barry Bonds Sticks A Needle in His Eye' Fan Club, I was slightly touched by his speech. The ending when he thanked his dad was emotional. Bobby is most definately up in heaven looking down on his son...... get it??? Also, it was extra classy of Hank Aaron to give a heart felt congratulatory video message to Barry. Very smart of Hank to not let everyone see that his fingers were crossed. Very nice.

I'm going home tomorrow so please be patient for future posts. I'd say stay at your computer and click refresh only once every 15 minutes as opposed to the normal 5. Thanks.


Waiver Wire Pick Up

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

The Atlanta Braves and Detroit Tigers are not the only teams making big moves to improve their postseason chances. This blog has a real shot at being the best blog ever made; and I've drastically improved those chances by adding Jared Smith near the end of the trade deadline and making another move today. Drew Packey, the battery mate, brother, and best friend for life (sure, the 3 B's) has cleared waivers and been dealt to this blog in exchange for Jessica Alba (that's gonna bite us in the ass) and journey-man, Kenny Lofton. Drew brings a lot to the table besides his strong appetite. He has a real knack for all the major sports, including having had a stellar career making me look good as my catcher in high school. He has a tremendous sense of humor. After all, he did dress up as a country slut in a girls gone wild tank top for Halloween this past year (see picture above). Drew is a rising junior at Michigan State University where he majors in "I do what I want" and minors in "the art of liquor pong." He has dreams of being a doctor, delivering babies and delivering his future wife. Despite his one major flaw of being a Packers fan, I still hope that he will write posts as much as he can because I surely will enjoy reading his thoughts and wit as much as I know you will.

I present to you the greatest catcher off all time (not counting 15-30 other guys):

Caring is Creepy

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Neifi Perez, insanely jealous that everyone is paying attention to Barry Bonds, decided to steal back the spotlight for a moment and fail his THIRD straight drug test. As a result, he has been banned by the MLB for a record setting 80 games. Neifi was supposed to return to the bench from his 2nd suspension after Friday's game vs. the White Sox. I will tell you, as good of news as this sounds, it is in fact NOT. Now the Tigers are without a defensive replacement if any IF were to get hurt. This means that the Tigers will most likely continue to try and acquire Jack Wilson from Shitsburgh in exchange for quality prospects. Although the trade deadline has passed, a deal can still be made if Wilson clears waivers, which he almost certainly will considering his mammoth contract. This is really bad because Jack Wilson is pretty much Neifi and Deivi Cruz morphed together and we would be losing quality prospects (Tata, Vasquez, Clevlen). Here is a perfect quote I found from motowntigers.com that pretty much sums everything up: "If Perez's amphetamine abuse begets 2-1/3 years of Jack Wilson, then I think we can call Neifi's Tiger career one of the worst in team history. What a craptastic disaster he was. If it weren't for one ground ball during Verlander's no-hitter, I'd say Neifi was 100% useless." This leads me to ask a highly controversial question: Should there be an asterisk * next to Justin Verlander's no-hitter in the record books?????

Getting far far FAR away from the disease that is Neifi Perez, I take you to the Detroit Lions. #2 overall pick, Calvin Johnson ended his 8 day hold out today by signing a 6 year, 64 million dollar contract. This bodes well for Lion fans but not for C.J. Karchon. With the new C.J. (Calvin Johnson) in town this means that C.J. Karchon will have to change his name. I don't know what _____ Karchon has in mind but if I were to make an educated guess-pothesis I would probably say Leslie. (Rescue Me) Sorry Leslie, a lot has changed since you left for Europe 7 months ago. For instance, Ronald McDonald is actually a child pornographer/serial killer; which has created mass chaos and billions of unHappy meals. Also, Jerry Springer has a new show.

Speaking of unhappy meals, I watched a movie today called "The Yes Men." It is basically about anti-corporate activist-pranksters who impersonate WTO representatives around the world at important conferences. These important people around the world do not realize these people's fake website is not WTO's. The main characters play along as if it is and create satires on global free trade. I did not have a good attitude about this film as soon as I saw Michael Moore in the first 20 minutes of it, but it is actually pretty entertaining. I especially enjoyed the part where they claimed we feed 3rd world countries recycled McDonald's hamburgers. This means that when we poop out our delicious big macs, the burger gets recycled through a pipeline system the government created that leads to a 3rd world country. The pooh is then pumped out, flattened like a burger, and placed between cheap sesame-less buns where it is then served as a yummy #2. When the actual number of the meals meant nothing before, now they are in fact the number of times the burger has been recycled. I don't know how you feel about this and it's not like I truly care, but if that's not what we do now then I think that's a genius idea and something we should consider. Mad Props.

I just made a bet with my brother-in-law that the Detroit Lions will make it farther than the Green Bay Packers this year. He seems to think the loss of Drew Stanton will affect Jon Kitna's run to the Super Bowl. It's weird that Stanton got hurt though because I had a dream 3 days ago that Kitna broke his leg while snorkeling. I'm still not sure how that happened. Either way, I believe Kitna and Furrey will hold true to their prediction that the Lions will in fact win 10 games this year.

I am not a very big X Games fan but check out this: Jake "Fall Down" Brown; I can't believe he gets up after this fall. I did learn that he was slightly concussed, asked if he landed the 720, and convinced that one trainer he's trying to get away from at the end to give him a ZJ.


S'cuse Me Toots

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

I'm going to take an ole fashioned piggy back ride off of what my dear friend Chip wrote regarding the Tiges. Today they lost all hopes of a perfect August by losing a close one, 3-2. Nate Robertson hiked up his skirt and actually pitched without his tampon in and threw well enough for us to win. Unfortunately, the Tags could not cash in with runners in scoring position. Jared's boy, Klutch Monroe, did have a 2-out RBI early in the game but could not cash in with the bases loaded late in the game. I'm sure you have already guessed that he K'ed in that at bat. I'm absolutely certain Monroe will somehow whiff out of his year long slump. Unfortunately, we are going to have to get used to him because Jim Leyland loves him bunches and right now Marcus Thames is nursing a hamstring injury. The Tigers meanwhile finally return home to take on the White Sox. Andrew Miller will face Beurhle again. The last time the two faced was last week when Miller stole Beurhle's bag of weed so Tiger hitters could smoke more than just Beurhle's pitches. Sure enough the Tags won 9-6. I just hope Beurhle doesn't get even and steal the ferris wheel at Comerica Park. What would I do before games???

Now to Chip's concerns... It would probably appear that Gary Sheffield is struggling lately when in fact he has been hitting a pretty consistent .290. A month and 10 days ago his average was at .293. The only reason it was at .293, and not .793, was because he probably started the year off his steroids. It seems as if he has ended his cycle and has since fallen into a lesser, yet consistent, approach. As for his HR drought, it is only 11 days. In June, he had an 18 day HR drought. He is just 5 for his last 36 but A-Rod is 0 for his last 20 and is a whole lot gayer than Gary. Let's also not forget that G money is still ranked 3rd in Yahoo! fantasy baseball leagues. I wouldn't worry about the Top Sheff. Concerning Magglio, he has just recently become human. I said it before and I'll say it again, I don't see Magglio keeping up his .360 avg. but I do fully expect him to end up hitting around .335 with a billion RBIs. I wouldn't worry about his pop because he has 3 HR since July 15th which is good considering he had none before that since June 2nd. I've seen him out and he always has his squeezies so I know he's trying. I'm really just concerned about him having zero triples and a worse goatee than me.

If Brandon Inge is not worthy of the Gold Glove then the league should make the Silver Glove just for him, because he definately deserves an award of some kind. Maybe give him the Shane Halter award for being the most athletic human being.

As I'm sure you've all heard, a backup punter at Northern Colorado is being charged with first degree murder and second degree assault for stabbing the starting punter in his kicking leg on 9/11. Allegedly, the backup punter could not take the pressure from his mother and decided to lash out in an attempt to 'earn' the starting job. This whole situation is just absurd and all I am getting out of it is that the backup punter is a terrorist. Well, the jury of the trial was just selected and I found it a bit odd but I can't put my pinky finger on it:
Nick Harris, Josh Bidwell
John Jett, Brendan Carney
Jeff Feagles, Scott Player
Todd Sauerbrun, Matt Turk
Mike Barr, Mark Royals
Greg Montgomery, Jason Hanson

In other news, Buddy Bell won't manage the Royals after this season. That's too bad.

After having glanced at MLB.com I now see Sheffield will have his shoulder looked at by a doctor. I take back everything I said. Be very worried. I feel stupid. Goodnight.

a couple quick thoughts....

Posted by Chip Stevenson

today is my last day of work which also means that it is my last opportunity to get paid to blog. i made about 20 bucks for yesterday's blog and i should make about 10 for this one considering it will be a little shorter. i wonder if this violates some NCAA rule and i'll get kicked out of the Texas Longhorn's starting rotation... don't tell on me cuz i've really been working hard and think this upcoming year is going to be very very good to me

thank superman, the tigers did not acquire jack wilson. superman is really generous and i think i might pray to him more often... maybe for that ninja turtles big wheel i never got as a kid.

tagers lost again last night making them 3-7 on the recent road trip. i actually stayed up and watched the whole game saying to myself, "what the hay? it's my last day of work tomorrow." really good decision on my part. the game ended at about 1 a.m. and i stayed up until about 3 tossing and turning from nightmares about big mac mcbride and grilli pitching in the playoffs. waking up at 6:30 for work makes me feel really good inside. cripes, the schedule is brutal but hopefully things will turn around when we come home after today's game. things need to get right so my 21st birthday on August 14th isnt completely destroyed by another devastating loss to the Indians.

let me take a little time to address some recent concerns from tiger fans.

Concern #1: The tigers starters aren't going deep enough into games and thats why we are struggling.

Response: the tigers starters average innings per game in 2006: 6. the tigers starters average innings per game in 2007: 6.

Concern #2: The bullpen is blowing all these games and we were so much better last year.

Response: Number of regular season Tiger victories in 2006: 95. Projected number of wins for the Tigers in 2007: 93. aint too big of a difference now is it? if rodney and zumaya come back strong, im sure we'll be able to push that number up to 95 just like last year and we all know how last year ended up: first world series victory since 1984.

some concerns of my own: 1.) magglio is slowing down a bit which was probably to be expected. hitting .900 is hard to sustain especially when neifi isnt in the lineup to provide some protection. what's really worrying me more than his drop in batting average is his lack of power recently. he did hit a home run in anaheim but it looks like the vast majority of his balls in play are now pounded into the ground mostly to the shortstop. he was hitting to the opposite field so much at the beginning of the year and now that pitchers are pounding him inside, he seems to be jamming himself. 2.) sheffield's shoulder looks like it might be a significant isSUE, god bless you. he has also lacked any sense of power recently. in last night's game, sheffield and magglio came up with runners in scoring position twice and didnt hit anything hard. not nearly as intimidating as they were early on. who woulda thunk that ne!f! would have this big of an effect on the lineup? 3.) guillen's nagging injuries are starting to pile up. never as good of a fielder as i was, he has still been pretty solid in the field when he is healthy. now though, his knees have been biting him like marv albert and it has really shown in his play... maybe cj karchon could step in for a few games and give guillen a rest.

anyone else think that it's kinda creepy that leyland likes to use the word "tickle" all the time? as in, "kenny rogers coming back from surgery and pitching great in his first start was really nice to see. I was really tickled by it," or, "Grilli and Kraig Monroe keep on rubbing a feather along my feet when i call them into my office to tell them they're cut. I'm really tickled by it".

Lastly, it worked yesterday so let me try it again today-

superman, please please please call tanya harding to put a billy club to gagne's elbow, big papi's knee, and papelbon's pride. I promise i will start going to church if you make this happen.



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