Posted by Bob Biscigliano
Ozzie Guillen is known for his big mouth and being a Major League homo manager.
The Tiges began their interminable 5 game series with the Chigaygo Cum Sox tonight. Mark Buerhle began the game a little peeved off after learning UNC graduate, Andrew Miller smoked all his weed before the game. Curtis Granderson took Buerhle's first pitch deep and told him to put that in his pipe and smoke it. Andrew Miller was lifted in the bottom half of the fifth after throwing consecutive fastballs at the young boy who was supposedly taunting him from 3 rows up behind home plate. After the Sox took a brief lead because of my boy Grilli's control problems, the Tigers proceded to load the bases against a tiring Buerhle in the top of the 7th. Then Minor League phenom, Mike Hessman fisted White Sox reliever's ass into right field for a 2 run single that gave the Tigers a 7-6 lead. Hessman was 2-4 with 2 Rbi's in his debut. He also has 27 HRs in AAA this season. That's just A-Rod silly.
Anyways, Chicago announcers were not happy with his bloop single in the 7th. They kept whining, "You have got to be kidding me with this." They probably said that 10 times. That's no joke. 10 times. Sorry Darrin, you son of a bitch; the only joke here is your color commentating. You continue to call the Sox players solely by their first names as if they are your friends. "Great catch, Jerry!" I hate to break it to you, but they are not your buddies. You go out to a bar and see these players out, you are the guy they say, "Heyyyyyyyyy....mannnnn," to. They don't know your name. They are not your friends. Also, your team is not the 'good guys.' When you are leading a game do not go into commercial break saying, "6-5 good guys." That is confusing to the viewers. Clearly, the Tigers are the good guys so I am under the false assumption that the Tigers are winning if I am not closely watching. Luckily for you guys, I am always watching closely. That's why I have noticed your flaws.
I digress. The Tigers pounced on the Sox pitching for 18 total hits and 9 runs. Todd Jones picked up his 290th career save in the 9th inning leaving him now just 10 shy of the illustrious 300 save mark. Tomorrow will consist of a double dip as Jeremy Bonderman takes the hill in game 1 and Virgin Vasquez gets the nod in game 2 despite his awful MLB debut earlier this season. I will be skipping my film class to view the Bonderman game. I'm just hoping to bring some good luck to Bonderman's disgustingly poor 1st innings.
In other news, Michael Vick was indicted for supposedly hosting dog fights in his back yard. I think he'll be alright considering Ron Mexico never got in trouble and I heard he and his DAWGS were fighting for money, that it wasn't actually Air Bud and his innocent 4 legged friends, Tramp, Cujo, and Milo. However, if the allegations are true, I hope they fry that bastard and his water bottle full of weed.
Quotes of the night: "Aside from us just sucking, the Detroit Tigers are the team to beat in the American League" -Chicago announcers got one thing right.
"He sucks, your cool, I'm gay." -Butterfly