Just saying...

Posted by Chip Stevenson

"if you have to ask, you'll never know"

-Angelica Pickles

The phrase "no comment" or something equivalent is used all the time in sports today. Barry Bonds refuses to talk about you know what, Sammy Sosa forgot how to speak english when talking about a controversial issue, Brian Packey refuses to say anything about that one thing that happened to him a few years back when he had to get some physical rehab after playing with a marshmallow, ice cube, and a tampon.... oopsy daisy, and now Hank Aaron is using it to describe his feelings about 756*. Well, if i were in these guys' positions, I would definitely channel my inner-toddler, older, jealous sister who no one really likes at all especially when the younger brother is the second coming of Indiana Jones and use the line up there to spice things up a bit while I throw one of those smoke bombs you see in the movies and sneak out of the room after I steal everyone's laptops like Arntanarro "Huggy" Nelson and Alex Credit... only I wouldn't get caught.

Speaking of Indiana Jones, many many MANY people have been asking me what I think about the trade rumor that has Jack Wilson of the Pirates going to the Tagers. to answer everyone's desperate and if i'm honest annoying pestering, i'll say "no comment".

ok ok, in all seriousness... we are missing neifi perez and no one quite fills matt haggerty's woman's size 6s that neifi perez left in the dust as he rode into the sunset like jack wilson. it only seems right that the tags would be interested in him since brandon inge is too good of a hitter to be slotted in the 9 hole. on top of being just bad enough to be a terrible 9 hitter, he is also signed for another 2 years. if he does actually follow in neifi's footsteps and gets suspsended for one too many red bulls, tiger fans can rest easy because the 25 game suspension will only amount to like 5% of the length of his contract. thank goodness. i'm not usually into praying very much but please please please do not let jack wilson put on a tiger uniform, superman.

in other news, craig monroe still sucks. I hope leyland finally figures out that raburn isnt spelled m-o-n-r-o-e. he should really just learn how to throw a knuckleball and go over the national league where his 2k's and 1 gidp per game wont be anything new. actually, i now see one good thing about getting jack wilson, if it happens- it might make monroe feel a little bit better about himself and wilson would make everyone else's numbers look better. maybe it's actually just a ploy by dombrowski to get maggs the mvp.... "hey look at maggs, he's hitting .700 with 90 home runs while jack wilson who is on the same team is hitting .089 with 1 double in 200 at bats." looks much better, donut?

lastly, i just wanted to make sure everyone knows the real story behind jarrod (no relation) saltalamacchia. he is 22 years old and already has a pregnant wife and a kid. while some might see this is a sign of maturity, they clearly are only signs toward spooky weirdness. 1.) his wife if 37 years old while he is only 22 2.) his wife is a high school teacher, which i'll admit is pretty normal but wait... 3.) his wife was HIS high school teacher. at least he gets to look forward to everyone thinking he's a weirdo for marrying his high school teacher, a 50 year old wife while he is in the prime of his career, and saying no to all the groupies cuz he's got to drive his wife to her menopause support groups while saying things like "you'll get through this, just put some more candy in your fanny pack". sheesh, i definitely do NOT wish that i was a 22 year old top prospect switch hitting catcher who starts in the majors anymore.

dang.

My Own Deadline Deal

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Gentleman, ladies and zombies; I would love to announce that I have made a little trade deadline deal of my own today. I have decided to add my long time hetero-friend, Chip Stevenson on as an author of this blog in exchange for Kevin Garnett, straight up. Throughout the endless years of our friendship, Chip has provided me with his sheer wisdom, more than giggle worthy humor, and breath taking french kisses. umm. Chip is a rising senior at Tufts University where he majors in being awesome. He aspires to attend law school at Emory University, all while still continuing to be a loyal Detroit sports fan and friend. He may or may not lose his allegiance to his favorite show the Telletubbies. That is still up in the air. Either way, Chip will write as often as he pleases about issues concerning the Tigers, other Detroit sports or what color his poop was earlier in the afternoon. He can write whatever he wants because he's a funny freaking freak of nature genius.


He may blow my posts out of the water & you'll most likely want to blow him, I present to you :
CHIP STEVENSON!


Tiger's Favorite Expression: Tata For Now

Posted by Bob Biscigliano



It's safe to say the Tiggers have been really Winnie the Pooh lately. Our bullpen pitchers continue to get the scouts who brought them into the pros fired and continue to give up hundreds of runs. In addition to the bullpen woes, it appears a virulent disease has been passed through the starting rotation as well. The Tiges have given up double digit run totals in 4 of the past 5 games, including Jeremy Bonderman's pitiful 11 earned runs in 3.1 innings last night. A game that was on national television might I remind you. As if the losses and Andrew Mellen's recent break from watching Tiger baseball (because of the disappointing losses) hasn't been painful enough, Kenny Rogers was just placed on the DL today because of inflammation in his pitching elbow. In desperate need for a quick fix, who better to face than the miserable Oakland UnAthletic's offense. I know, right? Enter Tata for now or better known to most as TTFN. Jordan Tata, making his season debut tonight, went 7 strong innings, allowing just 2 weak runs. He will carry the load for injured Kenny Rogers until his return. I wouldn't get too excited about this win because it WAS against the A's but it is nice to see a well pitched game for once. The past 4 games felt like an eternity. Anyways, Curtis Granderson continued his gentlemanly ways by picking up 3 hits and Polly The Human Urinator continued his dominance of the A's by clobbering (Rod's word) 3 hits of his own. Polanco entered the game with a meager career avg. of .493 vs. the A's. WOW. Todd Jones picked up his 28th save of the season in the 9th inning.

With the trade deadline looming, the Tigers have been mentioned in a few rumors. Mostly, I have heard the Tigers in the Mark Loretta and Jack Wilson rumors. That confuses me. It's clear the bullpen kind of sucks right now. Yes, it will be better when Zumaya and Rodney return, and if they return to form. However, right now, we don't know when/if Zumaya will return and we won't know if Rodney will be 2006 Rodney until the deadline has passed. So why not go out and grab a guy that can help out? Hell, we can make the claim that he is filling in for 2006 Jamie Walker. If Zumaya returns amazing and 2006 Rodney returns, then the move might seem worthless but if they don't then it will be genius. Trading for Jack Wilson or Mark Loretta only instills greater fear into the hearts of fans. 1) Our bullpen is suspect and it's pretty obvious, but we did nothing to rectify the situation. Do we care? 2) Why are we getting replacements for Guillen and/or Polanco? Are they hurt or planning on getting hurt? AHHHHHH PLEASE DONT GET HURT. I guess it's okay if Neifi is gone.

See what I mean? Just do the right thing, Dave. And I trust DD will. Designated Drivers are always safe and reliable. Either way, I like being the underdog, and right now the Tigers kind of are, even though they are in first in the division by a game. They definately will be underdogs in the long run if the bullpen remains as is now. Nevertheless, I think all this adversity will just make for a much better, cooler effects, World Series DVD. I'll bet all my Barry Bonds in the bank on that.

Speaking of Barry Bonds....I hope he gets the record on the road, so I can see what kind of whacky reaction he receives from the disapproving fans. Whether it's in Global Deejay's San Francisco or on the road, I think Bud Selig will charge the field and run up to him like the fans in Atlanta did to Hank Aaron. My guess though is that Bud Selig won't give him a pat on the back acne. He would most likely be in the nude, carrying a Hank Aaron signed bat and Nancy Kerrigan his ass. That's just my prediction though.

Verlander vs. Haren tomorrow night. Should be a doooooozy.

GO CATS

We Want Some Kool-Aid but We Ain't Got No Pitcher!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

I apologize ahead of time for my negative attitude and inaccurate, hurried portrayal of the Tigers bullpen here, but tonight's DISMAL bullpen outing should give more than enough reason to the Tigers organization that some moves NEED to be made. Yes, the Tigers bullpen has been very solid of late, thanks in large part to Jim Leyland's creativity. However, it has been far from stellar all year long. Obviously, with the loss of Jamie the Cat, injury to Zumaya, and injury/struggles to Rodney, the bullpen has been left depleted and flat. Let's get real. Zach Miner is a starter turned reliever, Chad Durbin the same. Bobby Seay, our best reliever to this point, is unreliable considering the past two years he has not thrown over 15 games and had an ERA averaged to be about 7.5. I don't think anyone will agree with Todd Jones being at the bottom of the above chart, but I trust him when he comes into a game with the lead. Either way, what the Tigers need is another proven name that can come in before him; better yet come in when the Tigers have a 7-1 lead and hold on to it.

Okay, now I'm going to get real here. The Tigers are in 1st place, not last, so it's not that bad. I'm just being a nervous nelly here. If the Tigers want to contend for the pennant and World Series they are going to need another guy in the bullpen that can get the job done. I don't see anything wrong with going out and getting a guy like Gagne, Octavio Dotel, Otsuka or whoever else is available just as long as it doesn't take Maybin or any of our current starters to get them. Standing pat and claiming that the Macay McBride deal met their bullpen needs will not go over well with the Tigers faithful. Tonight's game should be an annoying ring tone wake up call at 5:30 in the morning. I know it's only one game and the Indians lost tonight too, but still. These type of losses can not happen, especially come playoff time. I just want to get my opinion out there.

On a higher, more positive attitude note, Mike Hessman hit his 1st MLB bomb since 2003 tonight. I knew he was going to hit one, I called it. He'd probably hit 500 in his career if he plays another 15 years and gets 600 ABs/year. It's too bad he's already almost 30 and has spent the past 12 years in the minor leagues living off food stamps. I bet he enjoys listening to Eminem CDs.
Here's a little fantasy rankings comparison for you taken straight from MLB.com:
Justin Morneau: 1237
Prince Fielder: 1183
Ryan Howard: 1104
Albert Pujols: 1049
Mike Hessman: 19
(This feature tracks each player's fantasy value using the following formulas:
Hitters:(R x 5) + (H x 4) + (HR x 15) + (RBI x 5) + (SB x 15) - AB
Pitchers: (W x 30) + (SV x 25) + (IP x 5) + (SO x 4) - (H x 3) - (ER x 4) - (BB x 3) These formulas were designed to approximate a player's relative fantasy value compared to all other players, for the current Major League season. There will always be five players listed. The top four hitters or pitchers, as well as the player you are currently viewing.)

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family and friends of the Colorado Rockies' minor league 1B coach, Mike Coolbaugh, who died after being struck by a foul ball during a game. The baseball world mourns this terrible tragedy.

The gambler takes the ball to the bump tomorrow night with hopes to end the Tigers and his personal 2 game slide.

Go Cats

Put it on the Boooooarrrd.....NO!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Ozzie Guillen is known for his big mouth and being a Major League homo manager.

The Tiges began their interminable 5 game series with the Chigaygo Cum Sox tonight. Mark Buerhle began the game a little peeved off after learning UNC graduate, Andrew Miller smoked all his weed before the game. Curtis Granderson took Buerhle's first pitch deep and told him to put that in his pipe and smoke it. Andrew Miller was lifted in the bottom half of the fifth after throwing consecutive fastballs at the young boy who was supposedly taunting him from 3 rows up behind home plate. After the Sox took a brief lead because of my boy Grilli's control problems, the Tigers proceded to load the bases against a tiring Buerhle in the top of the 7th. Then Minor League phenom, Mike Hessman fisted White Sox reliever's ass into right field for a 2 run single that gave the Tigers a 7-6 lead. Hessman was 2-4 with 2 Rbi's in his debut. He also has 27 HRs in AAA this season. That's just A-Rod silly.

Anyways, Chicago announcers were not happy with his bloop single in the 7th. They kept whining, "You have got to be kidding me with this." They probably said that 10 times. That's no joke. 10 times. Sorry Darrin, you son of a bitch; the only joke here is your color commentating. You continue to call the Sox players solely by their first names as if they are your friends. "Great catch, Jerry!" I hate to break it to you, but they are not your buddies. You go out to a bar and see these players out, you are the guy they say, "Heyyyyyyyyy....mannnnn," to. They don't know your name. They are not your friends. Also, your team is not the 'good guys.' When you are leading a game do not go into commercial break saying, "6-5 good guys." That is confusing to the viewers. Clearly, the Tigers are the good guys so I am under the false assumption that the Tigers are winning if I am not closely watching. Luckily for you guys, I am always watching closely. That's why I have noticed your flaws.

I digress. The Tigers pounced on the Sox pitching for 18 total hits and 9 runs. Todd Jones picked up his 290th career save in the 9th inning leaving him now just 10 shy of the illustrious 300 save mark. Tomorrow will consist of a double dip as Jeremy Bonderman takes the hill in game 1 and Virgin Vasquez gets the nod in game 2 despite his awful MLB debut earlier this season. I will be skipping my film class to view the Bonderman game. I'm just hoping to bring some good luck to Bonderman's disgustingly poor 1st innings.

In other news, Michael Vick was indicted for supposedly hosting dog fights in his back yard. I think he'll be alright considering Ron Mexico never got in trouble and I heard he and his DAWGS were fighting for money, that it wasn't actually Air Bud and his innocent 4 legged friends, Tramp, Cujo, and Milo. However, if the allegations are true, I hope they fry that bastard and his water bottle full of weed.

Quotes of the night: "Aside from us just sucking, the Detroit Tigers are the team to beat in the American League" -Chicago announcers got one thing right.

"He sucks, your cool, I'm gay." -Butterfly

Mr. Clean Sweep!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

The Tigers ate their twinkies today and followed that by sweeping up the empty wrappers. They also won three games vs. Minnesota. Brandon Inge's RBI double in the top of the 10th vs. former abercrombie and fitch model, Joe Nathan, gave the Tigers a more than comfortable one run lead that Todd Jones would later save. Jones' save was the 289th of his career, leaving him 11 shy of the gory movie 300. This is the Tags 2nd sweep in their last 3 series. They now hold a 2 game lead over the tax-free men of Cleveland. Some highlights of the series were Thames' late inning diving grab (minus the pulled hammy), Leyland's management of the bullpen, Magglio squeezing a can of whoop ass on Johan Santana's face, and of course Todd Jones for his 3 consecutive saves. If I am missing something special that happened during this series, aside from the 3 wins, then please leave your comments.

The Tigers have a tough series with Royalty this weekend. It should be interesting to watch, as always. I just wish we could have Kyle Farnsworth back, only to watch him spear innocent KC players while wearing way too tight of pants.

In other sporting news, the Detroit Lions have been busy preparing for the upcoming season. Instead of practicing, many players have been going on local radio shows and what not, guaranteeing a double digit win season. I think the only guarantee we should be making is that we'll show up; and if you add our win total together from the past 3 seasons it equals just somewhere a shade over 10. Jokes aside, I am feeling really confident about their season. I really think they will make the playoffs. I feel it in my loins. Also, they just signed their 4th round draft pick Manny Ramirez. If he can build off his 1st half and hit a little more bombs over the green monster he should be good....oops, wrong Manny.

As for the Pistons, they are feeling pretty good about Rodney Stuckey being Mr. Big Shot's backup next season. I think Stuckey needs a catchy nickname........ok that was bad.

I'll admit, this post was unthoughtfully provoked. I will finish with a funny story though. The Closer for my summer baseball team got drunk today on the bus ride TO THE GAME. That's right. He got drunk on the way to the game in the back of the bus by drinking half a fifth in less than an hour. The liquor was supposed to be for the ride back, however he decided to get a head start. Luckily, the bullpen was out of sight from the dugout so he just situated himself on the ground, with his shoes off, for the entire first game. In the 2nd game we ran out of pitchers, after yours truly got out of a 6th inning jam; and we needed him to close it out. Everyone knew he was wasted so when he went in there were sighs of, 'oh shit.' Our third baseman was taking grounders and realized who was pitching when he handed the ball to him after the throw down. He let out a really loud "Oh no!" Despite our closer's BAC, he pitched a scoreless 7th and won the hearts of many young Copperhead fans. Needless to say, the moral of this story is to drink and drive.

take care now, bye bye then

Neifi Perez Proves to Planet Earth that Roids are Bad For You

Posted by Bob Biscigliano


(Neifi Perez and Michael Barrett doing their Arnold and Carl Weathers impersonation; "You son of a bitch")

Neifi Perez was suspended 25 games today by the MLB for testing positive for an illegal stimulant. Neifi said, "I say to my fans that I am not stupid," to the Dominican radio program Impacto Deportivo in his homeland, according to The Associated Press. "I know the difference between good and bad and there are things that are going to be known going forward, but my lawyer has advised me not to talk for now." He says this, yet manages to use confusing English grammar and technically disobeys his lawyer's advice. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Al Einstein or Kurt Garwood but anyone can see that there's something wrong with this picture. Neifi Perez is hitting a shade under .300 at .125 so clearly the roids are not helping. So why continue taking them?? Perhaps he started taking them recently to improve? I guess he should have thought of starting when he was still sniffing the field and not while rotting on the bench. Maybe someone replaced it with estrogen, like the girls did to John Tucker in John Tucker Must Die. I wouldn't be surprised actually if someone from within the organization did that. Maybe spiked one of his protein shakes or gave him a random steroid shot while he was in the shower claiming it was a flu vaccine? All just so he could get caught and be suspended and away from any possibility of him stepping foot between the lines? That would be nice to know.
In more important, worthwhile news...The Tigers stomped all over Curt Schilling's Bloody Socks tonight 9-2. Marcus Thames hit a grand slam. If Marcus was an everyday player from age 20 and played for 20 years I think he would break Barry Bonds HR record. What do you think? I think I'm nuts but I feel like he hits a bomb every other game he plays. Hollerrrrrrrr

VOTE FOR J-BONE AND HE WILL MAKE ALL YOUR WILDEST DREAMS COME TRUE!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Bonderman claims he does not give two shits and a roll of nice, soft toilet paper about the final vote for the last spot in the all-star game, but I think it is eating him up inside. I mean, the guy is 9 and friggin 1. He would be like 12 or 13 and friggin 1 if he wasn't pitching every game against Roy Halladay early in the season and if he had been getting some run support. J-Bone trails Okajima, who has the luxury of Japan's illegal excessive-votes-in-a-short-amount-of-time technology, by a slim margin. If we just pull ourselves together and sit on the computer for enough time, we can pull this out for the home team. Bonderman said his wife has carpal tunnel from all the voting she has done. She hired a babysitter and a sit-in breast feeder for their new baby so she could sit online and vote all day. That's dedication and I expect the same from everybody else. All the Jeff Whitlow's need to put their Medal of Honor computer games on pause and start voting, meow.

Big win tonight for the Gambler and team.

Headliner tomorrow for the series victory; Verlander vs. Straight Hood

Copperheads drop millionth game in a row...

Zumaya Ready for Some Light Tossing

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Some good news came out of Detroit tonight. Joel Zumaya is apparently ahead of schedule and ready to start some light tossing after he ruptured a tendon in one of his throwing fingers. Zumaya, who was expected to miss up to 3 months, will begin a light throwing program that will start off with him throwing whimpy 90 mph changeups and end up with him throwing his video game type super fastballs that probably will reach 110 mph. The Tigers can absolutely NOT wait for him to return. Currently, the Tigers bullpen seems to be a compilation of the best pitchers from 2003. Anyone who knew the 2003 Tigers, Nate Cornejo and Steve Sparks were pretty much our best pitchers. One had less body hair than a 10 year old boy and the other threw slower than me. Both incompatible for a playoff contending team. This year the Tigers are counting on names such as Seay, Byrdak, Durbin, here comes the McBride, Capellan like a fellin, Dog Doody La Cruz and Miner-leaguer-for-life' to carry the load; all while Fernando Rodney pulls his head out of his ass on the DL (aka: hide me here because I'm dogshit right now) and Zumaya gets healthy. Maybe I'm being too hard on the young bullpen but it's getting prety redundant watching them blow games night after night. However, maybe I should point the finger at the offense for tonight's disappointing loss. After all, they blew a huge opportunity in the 10th by not capitalizing with the bases loaded and only 1 out. Nonetheless, some getting better needs to be in order.

Not a really good post. It's actually a terrible post. Jared Smith would not be proud of my negative attitude. It's about as disturbing as CJ Rush's facebook picture.

PS- Betancourt.... throw the fricking ball! A 20 second balk call should never be called. I wish Brandon Inge wasn't using a wiffle ball bat so he could have hit that 3-2 cock shot out of the ball park.

The gambler vs. Westbrook is next

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