Ohhhh! It's the Goat!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

I haven't moved for the past 1,500 hours because I've been deciding what new topic to write about in order to keep my long awaiting fans sane (Thanks for waiting patiently, Esh). Anyways, I've done a lot of pooping and thinking in the past week or so; and naturally I started masterbating, or debating, with myself. The Red Wings just lost super bandwagon fans Heather Bowman and Gillian Bess as the Wings dropped a tough series in the Western Conference Finals to the Anaheim "No Longer Disney or Mighty" Ducks, and the Pistons were just outcoached and played by Lebron James. All heartbreaking, of course. In addition to all that, the Tigers have been struggling. After I "cashed" a lot of beers and swam around in my pouring tears, I started to realize I really have nothing to be crying about. After all, I'm not a Cubs fan, nor am I getting "it" in my ass every day and night. Sure being a Detroit fan can be tough and there are all sorts of logical questions we can ask ourselves as we slit our wrists and listen to James Blunt tracks on repeat. For example, "Why the hell did we, collectively as a sports city, lose that one game half way through May???" or "Why are the Lions the only Detroit team to not win some sort of championship in the past 5 years???" Even the Detroit Shock have won championships, and no one cares about them. I digress. Detroit is by far and large the best sports city in the new millenium. Let's all take a midol and put on some pants really quickly. I know there are people in West Bloomfield or Ann Arbor who are trying to go out and spend all their money and do crazy things after the recent losses. Those type of people need not forget about the season long success we experience year in and year out. The Tigers are 8 games above .500 right now. A year ago, we were ecstatic that we were even near .500. The Shock, Pistons, Red Wings and 2006 Tigers all finished their seasons in first place and the Lions always get very good draft picks. I know winning it all is the goal every year for every team, but realistically that's not going to happen. I'd rather have all our teams be in contention every year, as opposed to having 3 of the teams suck and having one win it all once every 20 years to make the city happy. I know. That's a really bold claim. Either way, I think I speak for every true Detroit fan when I say that we can't get greedy here. One reason is because it might all go away and then all we'll be left with is serious jock itch and Andrew Mellen's droopy balls. It's an honor to be a Detroit sports fan. Through the good and bad we should remain loyal fans. We have gone through some tough losses recently, but we have to be happy about the seasons as a whole. Even if we have the best record every year and don't win the big one. Let's face it, we're not the Bills. We'll win the big one if we get enough shots at it. We'll get plenty of shots. Hey! Atleast we have won an NBA championship, unlike the amature, Lebron James riding Cavs. (Extra helpful advice: Make fun of the teams you lose to and stay positive about your own team!)

I'm going to go eat goldfish and watch "So You Think You Can Dance" before the Tigers/Rangers game starts

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