Grilli and I Bury the Hatchet; Tigers Sweep

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

I followed the Detroit Tigers to Atlanta this past weekend to see an easy 3 game sweep. Unfortunately, I was not in attendance for the Gambler's return for I was eating dinner with the girlfriend's Aunt and Uncle. Call me what you want. Anyways, I was at the meaningful games 2 and 3. In Game 2, Verlander threw really shitty compared to his no hitter. He only had 11 strikeouts and gave up a friggin run to a Braves team who have only scored 1 run in their last 5 games. The Tigers pulled off the win, 2-1. In Game 3's ESPN SUNDAY NIGHT baseball showdown, I had 2nd row seats in left field very close to the Tigers bullpen. Seats almost identical to the one's I had a year ago on my 21st birthday at Comerica Park.

Here comes the story.... On my 21st birthday, I yelled Jason Grilli's name. Because he is the only Major League Player with rabbit ears not used to fans yelling his name, he turns around immediately. I'm caught off guard for a moment but then proceed to tell him to come over to me. Sure enough he does. When he gets close to me he gives me a 5 year old look like, "What do you need, Mommy?" I slur to him that it is my 21st birthday. I show him my license for proof. He takes my license and looks at it long and hard. He agrees that it's my birthday and hands it back to me. I look at him weird like he's Will Turner, shaving in the 3rd grade, and suggest that because it's my birthday he should be giving me a ball. He denies me a ball, claiming that I'm a big boy and if he gave me a ball he'd have to give everyone in the stadium a ball.

Fast forward now to Sunday night....I am obviously still holding a grudge so I decide to yell "Grilli" about once every 5 minutes during the course of the game ("Grilli! Fight me!" is also chanted occasionally). Sure enough, after the first yell, he looks over at me. I'm caught off guard again so I play stupid and wave all excited like a school girl who just saw Brad Pitt walking down the street with his fly open. He waves and asks if my girlfriend's t-shirt has his name on the back. I giggle "Nice joke, Jason," and let him know that they don't sell t-shirts with his name on the back. He returns his focus to the game. I keep yelling his name throughout the course of the game. Also, I frequently tell him him to warm up because we need him (We didn't need him). He looks over again and told me to calm down a little bit. I breathe easy for an inning or so and go get myself 2 hot dogs. When I get back, I find out that the son of a bitch allegedly winked at my girlfriend. I throw my hot dog at the weakest person I could find near me; the innocent ball boy sporting the John Olerud helmet down the 3rd base line. I began yelling Grilli's name tirelessly and demanded his respect. Finally, he looks over and laughs (at my jokes, not my pathetic-ness) and tells me to meet him after the game. Once the game ended, Tigers win 5-0, we walk over to the railing where he searches hard for a ball and tosses it to me. I made the tough bare handed catch and the rest is history. The hatchet has been buried.
Here is a picture for proof: I look retarded.

I am now an official Fan, #1 of 1, of the Jason Grilli fan club.....This is my official roster photo for the club. Yay

Verlander throws No-No; 15,446 Rod Allen drinking gamers have alcohol poisoning

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

WOW. That is basically all I have to say in regards to the amazing feat I witnessed tonight; June 12, 2007...a day and 3 hours before my 22nd birthday. A wonderful early birthday present, for sure. Justin Verlander threw only the 6th no-hitter in Tigers history, 1st in Comerica Park history, and 1st Tigers no-no in my lifetime. During the course of the game, I knew something special was going to happen. I was updating my brothers, who were unable to watch the game live, from the get go and marveling about how nasty Verlander was looking early on. By the fourth inning, I was making my updates in code, as I did not want to jinx anything. When Magglio made his sliding grab and Neifi Perez won back the hearts of all of Detroit with his nifty sliding snag and double play, I knew deep down that it was going to happen. Mario did a good job of not jinxing it too, although he did start to lose his focus at the end by obsessively mentioning that the only Brewer runners allowed were from Verlander walks; clearly hinting at the fact. In addition, my brother in law, who resides in Milwaukee, sent me a text in the 9th stating, "Verlander is 3 outs from a no-no." I damned him to hell for making a bush league statement, but he was forgiven as Verlander recorded the final out in the 9th. At that point, I jumped up and down and held a 35 minute dance party by myself. Afterwards, I emailed my college coach, who coached Verlander on team USA. My coach has made several degrading claims about Verlander, so my email simply asked how he felt at this point and time.

I have so much more to say about the no no but I'm too drunk to taste this chicken. Somewhere, Sean Ahmed is getting laid.

I also wanted to mention that Justin Verlander was not the only Tiger representative on his "A" game tonight. HOT Rod Allen was hitting on all cylinders...with his sayings. If anyone was actually playing the Rod Allen drinking game tonight, they are probably lying in a ditch or a hospital bed getting their stomach pumped right now because everything in that game was said multiple times tonight by Rod. I recall noticing by the 4TH INNING that he had made several of his famous statements already. I pray for those who participated in his drinking game tonight.

Verlander's gf will probably hook up with him tonight.

Also, the Indians lost so the Tigers are once again in a 1st place tie. YES


EXTRA! EXTRA! Kenny Rogers Makes Solid Rehab Start and is Still OLD BALLS! READ ALL ABOUT IT

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Although his mechanics look like Dennis Quaid's in "The Rookie" and he's throwing to kids who could be his grandchildren, 42 year-old Kenny Rogers continued to dominate on the bump Sunday while starting for the AAA Toledo Mud Hens. Kenny Rogers threw 3 2/3 scoreless innings on 51 pitches to begin his rehab stint that will eventually land him back in the Tigers starting 5 sometime before July. "I was comfortable, which was the first thing I want to get out there when I'm out on the mound," he said. "From the get-go I felt like I knew where the ball was going, and I had an ability to change speeds a little bit. For me that's a plus, especially not being on the mound for two months." Despite not being on the bump for over 2 months, Kenny showed signs that he had never left. He pitched the final 2/3 innings with a pipe in his mouth while donning a bath robe. He makes the pepperidge farm guy look like a poor man's Jacob Leemaster. I don't know what that means.....Either way, Kenny is so old and wise.

While we are talking about all time greatest come backs, I want to briefly mention that I have an ERA of 0.00 in summer ball right now. That's right, through 1 2/3 innings (through 7 games) I have not given up a run. Alert the presses. I might as well boast about it now while it lasts.

Back to Kenny... A lot of talk has been circulating regarding the Tigers rotation once Rogers returns. In fact, I have heard devastating rumors that my idol Mike Maroth will be traded as soon as next week because Chad Durbin has been doing so well. First of all, what are we possibly able to get for a debatable 5th starting pitcher with a 5+ ERA?? Not to mention, he pitches at Comerica Park. Rumor has it that he will be headed to Texas where his ERA is bound to inflate to an even 10. Don't get me wrong, I'd trade the world to spend one night alone with Mike Maroth....err

Do you think Andrew Miller should remain in the bigs or go back to AA or AAA and start an entire season? I like the idea of him taking his bumps in the bigs like Bondo and Maroth did in 2003, but let's remember that was also 2003. We are in contention now and cannot afford a young guy to be taking his bumps at the cost of precious W's. Obviously, if he has no bumps to face and is just lights out like a young Beckett then the move is genius. I think it could go either way, but come playoff time will he be in the starting rotation??? We already have Verlander, Bonderman, Rogers. I guess it all depends on how Robertson bounces back, if he does.

Leave your thoughts.

Tired Arm

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

After Nate Robertson failed to record an out while giving up 6 runs on Tuesday against the Texas Rangers, reporters questioned his health. Robertson replied with, "There's no red flags. I'm not hurt. I'm good." After a 45 minute, closed door, meeting with Jim Leyland, Robertson emerged a new man. A new man that is now on the DL with a....drum roll.... tired arm. Not to say that a change didnt' need to happen, but c'mon meow. Robertson has lost 5 of his last 6 starts and they have been getting worse. Hopefully, Tuesday's start is the worst possible start ever because it'd be painful to watch something worse. Even my lone start this year was not that painful. I atleast recorded an out. Then again, if I was pitching against the Texas Rangers on that day I probably would have given up 7 straight bombs with a walk or two in the middle there. That's not the point. The point here is that Nate has been pitching shitty, hurt or not hurt. As a result, he will be on the DL for a minimum of 15 days. To me though, this will be a nice little time out for Nate, done so in a very professional manner. Leyland respects Nate as a human being. Thus, he does not want to embarass Nate (nor lose gum time) by sending him down for a 22 year old, so he's giving him some time to think about his mistakes, where he can still provide gum time too. This is the kind of professional treatment Mrs. Prost should have given my best friend, CJ, and I in 3rd grade for making obscene Beavis and Butthead comic strips. She didn't have to bring Barb and Julie into the equation, embarassing us miserably. All she needed to do was give us a little closed door meeting and let CJ and I, the mature 3rd graders that we were, figure out a reasonable punishment that coincided with our error in judgment (obviously, we were capable of making such a reasonable punishment for ourselves since we were making genius comic strips). I digress. If Nate is not in fact seriously hurt, (like Kenny was when they first diagnosed him with a tired arm) then Nate will have 15 days to think about how naughty he has been lately while a tired arm serves as the genius cover up.

I just wish tired arm could be a legitimate excuse for everything done shitty.

Here are some examples about what I'm talking about:
1. I lost the handwriting competition to Timo Hoefs in 5th grade because I clearly had a tired arm.
2. I didn't make the proper turn signal on my motor cycle because I had a tired arm.
3. Sorry I forgot our anniversary, hunny. I have a tired arm.
4. I ate the last doughnut because I have a tired arm.
5. I'm driving insanely drunk because I have a really tired arm....from holding up the funnel all night.
6. I'm peeping at the neighbor's daughter while she changes because I have a tired arm. Joe Mercier would be proud.
7. I'm naked because I have a tired arm.
8. Mom, I lost my expensive letter sweater back in high school because I had a tired arm.
9. I'm sorry I fucked your wife, sir. I had a tired arm.
And finally,
10. Nate didn't shave the rest of his goatee because he had a tired arm.

Letterman would be proud.

Leave your comments with other things you could get away with because you have a tired arm.

Ohhhh! It's the Goat!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

I haven't moved for the past 1,500 hours because I've been deciding what new topic to write about in order to keep my long awaiting fans sane (Thanks for waiting patiently, Esh). Anyways, I've done a lot of pooping and thinking in the past week or so; and naturally I started masterbating, or debating, with myself. The Red Wings just lost super bandwagon fans Heather Bowman and Gillian Bess as the Wings dropped a tough series in the Western Conference Finals to the Anaheim "No Longer Disney or Mighty" Ducks, and the Pistons were just outcoached and played by Lebron James. All heartbreaking, of course. In addition to all that, the Tigers have been struggling. After I "cashed" a lot of beers and swam around in my pouring tears, I started to realize I really have nothing to be crying about. After all, I'm not a Cubs fan, nor am I getting "it" in my ass every day and night. Sure being a Detroit fan can be tough and there are all sorts of logical questions we can ask ourselves as we slit our wrists and listen to James Blunt tracks on repeat. For example, "Why the hell did we, collectively as a sports city, lose that one game half way through May???" or "Why are the Lions the only Detroit team to not win some sort of championship in the past 5 years???" Even the Detroit Shock have won championships, and no one cares about them. I digress. Detroit is by far and large the best sports city in the new millenium. Let's all take a midol and put on some pants really quickly. I know there are people in West Bloomfield or Ann Arbor who are trying to go out and spend all their money and do crazy things after the recent losses. Those type of people need not forget about the season long success we experience year in and year out. The Tigers are 8 games above .500 right now. A year ago, we were ecstatic that we were even near .500. The Shock, Pistons, Red Wings and 2006 Tigers all finished their seasons in first place and the Lions always get very good draft picks. I know winning it all is the goal every year for every team, but realistically that's not going to happen. I'd rather have all our teams be in contention every year, as opposed to having 3 of the teams suck and having one win it all once every 20 years to make the city happy. I know. That's a really bold claim. Either way, I think I speak for every true Detroit fan when I say that we can't get greedy here. One reason is because it might all go away and then all we'll be left with is serious jock itch and Andrew Mellen's droopy balls. It's an honor to be a Detroit sports fan. Through the good and bad we should remain loyal fans. We have gone through some tough losses recently, but we have to be happy about the seasons as a whole. Even if we have the best record every year and don't win the big one. Let's face it, we're not the Bills. We'll win the big one if we get enough shots at it. We'll get plenty of shots. Hey! Atleast we have won an NBA championship, unlike the amature, Lebron James riding Cavs. (Extra helpful advice: Make fun of the teams you lose to and stay positive about your own team!)

I'm going to go eat goldfish and watch "So You Think You Can Dance" before the Tigers/Rangers game starts


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