Better Hair = Better Results

Posted by Bob Biscigliano















The dark, AC Slater, Curly Sue's Magglio sports are far superior to the Sideshow Bob locks Anderson bla bla Franca bla bla Varejao tries to pass off. I'm speaking of these two's hair in particular because the Detroit Tigers are, to put it lightly, dominant and the Cavs just lost game 2 to the Pistons (whom once embraced their own hair slogan, Fear the Sell Out's Fro). Anyways, I reminded myself to discuss briefly, how hair probably plays a major role in one's success; mainly, because Mario Impemba also mentioned hair in his broadcast today. Although he mentioned hair loss, it still got me thinking. (If you are not sure what I am talking about with regards to Detroit's own Super Mario; legend Ernie Harwell joked that an umpire claimed he lost all his hair from the stress of umpiring. Mario took that opportunity to poke fun at himself by saying something like, "Well I've never umped a game in my life and I'm still having hair loss.")

Anyways, obviously you can look at the hair for the two and see why each person is performing the way they are for their respective teams. For example, Sideshow Bob was a bad guy. Bad guys never win. Varejao is out of control and looks way to much like Florida's Noah. I hate him and it pretty much just has to do with his hair. Cavs are down 2-0 in the series. Next....AC Slater may not have ended up with Kelly Kapowski, but he always beat up on Valley High. Magglio has plausible steroids stashed in his hair that circulates throughout his body to the point where he feasts gamely on cock high fastballs or any other pitch for that matter. Right now, he is the early front runner for the AL MVP, sexiest man in the Universe, and has every Tiger fan orgasming at a .395 rate the last 36 or so games. Clearly, his hair is doing the trick because he is leading a Tigers offense that is currently 2nd in the entire MLB in AVG, 1st in slugging, 6th in OBP, 1st in TB, 1st in RBI, 4th in HR, 4th in triples, 1st in 2B, 1st in hits, and 1st in runs. Not bad for a team with one of the best pitching staffs in the major leagues.
Just imagine how good their stats would be if Neifi Perez never played...ok ok ok I'll take the Impemba route now.... Imagine how good their stats would be if I pitched against them! Happy, Neifi?
I'm gonna go shave my armpits.

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