Better Hair = Better Results

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

The dark, AC Slater, Curly Sue's Magglio sports are far superior to the Sideshow Bob locks Anderson bla bla Franca bla bla Varejao tries to pass off. I'm speaking of these two's hair in particular because the Detroit Tigers are, to put it lightly, dominant and the Cavs just lost game 2 to the Pistons (whom once embraced their own hair slogan, Fear the Sell Out's Fro). Anyways, I reminded myself to discuss briefly, how hair probably plays a major role in one's success; mainly, because Mario Impemba also mentioned hair in his broadcast today. Although he mentioned hair loss, it still got me thinking. (If you are not sure what I am talking about with regards to Detroit's own Super Mario; legend Ernie Harwell joked that an umpire claimed he lost all his hair from the stress of umpiring. Mario took that opportunity to poke fun at himself by saying something like, "Well I've never umped a game in my life and I'm still having hair loss.")

Anyways, obviously you can look at the hair for the two and see why each person is performing the way they are for their respective teams. For example, Sideshow Bob was a bad guy. Bad guys never win. Varejao is out of control and looks way to much like Florida's Noah. I hate him and it pretty much just has to do with his hair. Cavs are down 2-0 in the series. Next....AC Slater may not have ended up with Kelly Kapowski, but he always beat up on Valley High. Magglio has plausible steroids stashed in his hair that circulates throughout his body to the point where he feasts gamely on cock high fastballs or any other pitch for that matter. Right now, he is the early front runner for the AL MVP, sexiest man in the Universe, and has every Tiger fan orgasming at a .395 rate the last 36 or so games. Clearly, his hair is doing the trick because he is leading a Tigers offense that is currently 2nd in the entire MLB in AVG, 1st in slugging, 6th in OBP, 1st in TB, 1st in RBI, 4th in HR, 4th in triples, 1st in 2B, 1st in hits, and 1st in runs. Not bad for a team with one of the best pitching staffs in the major leagues.
Just imagine how good their stats would be if Neifi Perez never played...ok ok ok I'll take the Impemba route now.... Imagine how good their stats would be if I pitched against them! Happy, Neifi?
I'm gonna go shave my armpits.

Cliche Title #4848383: Miller Time: Andrew Miller

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Andrew Miller, 21 year old, will be 22 on Monday, left handed phenom from North Carolina, started for the Tiggers on Friday night against the 2006 world series thieves. It was Andrew's first start for the Tigers big club since being drafted, although he had minimal experience last season since it was a part of his contract. (I can call him by his first name because I saw him throw a bullpen LIVE at UNC when we played them last year, right?) Anyways, he threw 6 shutout innings before the bullpen tried to sabotage him. Luckily, the Tigers brought out that good wood baby and scored 14 runs against a reeling Cardinals team. Although they may still be reeling from Hancock's drinking and driving death, I still think the Tigers are just a better team and that last fall the Tigers choked with their PFP's. Neifi said. (equivalent to "Nuff said") Either way, they are back this year and looking to pound it in anyone's ass who gets in their way. Andrew Miller's start was a firm reminder.

Andrew Miller will probably only make one other start, before Bonderman takes back his spot in the rotation. Andrew will then return to AA where he will continue to develop as a solid pitcher. I bet he gets laid too. I digress..... or do i?


Retrial: I'll be a Witness

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

I know I have posted a picture of a Piston player with the witness caption already this season, but this is a different player and a different time. It's Eastern Conference Playoff time and obviously, we will all be witnesses. The Pistons start their best of 7, but will only be a 5 game, series vs. the Drew Carey Lebron's Monday at 8 pm, CPT. Tip will probably be 8:02, guaransheed. Anyways, the Pistons will be trying to contain a Lebron James who still claims the King's seat even though he has no throne. He might be 23 some years old, still fully capable of another growth spurt, but I don't think any Detroit fans should have any concerns. Carlos D said we will delfino-ately win, since Rasheed was not available for comment; and Flip Saunders is working up a new scheme that will get us 144 points per game. Personally, I think game 2 will be the highest scoring game in the series. Mark Coury my words. Also, the artist still known as Prince claims he will be playing his new single. Meaning, he will have over 10 points every game of the series. I look forward to a solid series, all around.

In other news, I'm tired of drunks who keep thinking they are hot shots. As soon as a beer touches the lips it might taste good. That does not mean that as soon as the alcohol content enters your blood stream it makes you Jesse from Full House all of a sudden. You are not the King of the World or Leonardo Dicapprio. You are still the same old, boring, lame ass person. So, PLEASE... Stop trying to be somthing you are not when you drink a beer. I don't want to hear that you drank 15 beers and are still capable of driving or better yet, hear you cuss out someone inferior to you. Get over all the sluts you hate and just get better.... Spanks.

(vs. The Citadel)


Posted by Bob Biscigliano

The Red Wings just beat Charlie Conway and Gordon Bombay's Ducks so they are up 1-0 in the Western Conference Finals. The Pistons are dry humping the Bull dykes 3-0 in the Eastern Conference Semis. The Tigers have won 10 of their last 11 games to take over first place. The Detroit Shock are lesbians and Bill Laimbeer is still drunk. The Detroit Lions are beginning mini camps with the best wide receiver ever, Mike Furrey. John Eshelman called me tonight. He sounds healthy.
Jared Smith.



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