Sheffield Makes it Rain on them O's

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

On a rainy night in Detroit, the Tiggers started their 3 game set with the Baltimore hom-O's. In the top of the 3rd inning, with a guy in scoring position during a tied game, Jeremy Bonderman let one go that sailed toward Miguel Tejada's chest. His dumbass turned the wrong way and the ball sawed his bat in half. The ball bounced fair and Pudge threw him out at first. Tejada, very embarassed, decided to cry to his teammates that Bondo threw at him on purpose. Now, I understand it's debatable and there was beef between Tejada and the Tigers earlier this month, but I don't think you're going to throw 5 or so pitches to a hitter like Tejada and then just decide to hit him unless of course you're down 3-0 in the count with an open base. I truly think the ball just got away from Bonderman. However, Tejada's bitching infuriated a spine-less Daniel Cabrera. In the bottom of the 3rd, Cabrera decided to aim a pitch at the outside corner, knowing damn well his control is so poopy that the pitch would drill Sheffield in the back. Sheffield took it like a man and went to first. No biggie....until the 5th inning when PMSing Midol taking Tejada came to the plate with 2 outs and no one on, so Bonderman threw the first pitch at his vagina. Tejada dodged the pitch, yet his feelings were still hurt so he pointed the bat at Bonderman. Bondo, a grown man, did not back down and went toward Tejada. Pudge was not having any of Tejada's bitching so he started calling him a slut and other mean things in Spanish. The benches cleared. Zumaya (fresh off a talk with Mr. Rogers, who told him not to beat himself up about pitching poorly but beat others up) charged at anyone in sight. Sheffield yelled at Tejada to stop bitching because he didn't actually get hit, so Cabrera intervened again. After being held back, the game commenced with no ejections, a couple tears, and warnings. Then Sheffield made it rain. He faced Cabrera the following inning in the bottom of the 5th with Polly The Urinator Polanco on first. After killing an Orioles fan in section 139 with a foul ball on a 2-0 count, Sheffield took a Cabrera 2-1 cock shot for a 418 foot ride that he XZIBITed the shit out of. I haven't seen that kind of pimp job since Davidson 1B Alden Crissey's walk off vs. Furman earlier this year. Cabrera scowled at Sheffield as he jogged and barked around the bases. The bomb gave the Tags a 5-3 lead and led them to an 8-4 victory. Gooood night doctor, that felt good!

Although there were no punches thrown in the bench clearing brawl, I thought I'd just give ya a link to another great pic of AGay about to get his lights punched out. Man, do I friggin hate him. :)
http://sports.gearlive.com/blogimages/barrettajpunch.jpg

GO CATS

Lions select Calvin Johnson and Drew Stanton; Order their Super Bowl Rings

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

The Detroit Lions selected another WR in the 2007 NFL Draft by selecting Georgia Tech's Calvin Johnson with the 2nd overall pick. This is now the 3rd WR the Lions have taken with their 1st round pick in the past 4 years. The newest C.J. of Detroit (the others being former Country Day student C.J. Rush, former Tiger C.J. Nitkowski, and of course the highly renowned world traveler Gigalo C.J. Karchon) finished his career at Georgia Tech having started all 38 games, ranking second in school history with 178 receptions and first with 2,927 yards (16.4 avg.). He also grabbed a school career record 28 touchdowns. Calvin was notified of the Lions decision to draft him before it was announced. The cameras showed Calvin tearing up, which many attribute to being drafted by the usually terrible Lions, but that's false. Calvin is very happy to be in Detroit. Today, he threw out the first pitch at the Tigers game and joined Rod and Mario in the booth around the 4th inning. Rod took another shot at Mario's speed joking that Mario claimed he could outrun Calvin. After Calvin expressed his excitement to be in Detroit playing alongside Roy Williams and Mike Furrey, Rod went on and on about how big Calvin's penis is and how he's a fine gentleman. Anyways, it will be really interesting to see how Mike Furrey, Roy Williams and Calvin work together. I'm assuming we will average close to 50 points a game.

With their 2nd pick the Lions traded up to get former Farmington Hills Harrison shorstop bum/MSU stud QB, Drew Stanton. Here are a couple stories I know about Drew Stanton. My freshman year of High School at DCDS we played Harrison in the District Finals. With 2 outs and nobody on in the bottom of the 7th, us trailing by one run, Brian Haveri battled back from an 0-2 count to draw a walk. Matt Collins followed by hitting an easy, very routine ground ball to Drew Stanton at shortstop. Instead of making the easy play, he decided to suck and let the ball go through his legs. Somehow, Brian Haveri scored from first after a OF miscue. Ryan Sylvester then roped a single to left to score Matt Collins. We celebrated. The following year Harrison got their pay back by beating us 10-0 in the District Finals. Stanton pitched, but he walked yours truly on 4 straight pitches. What a coward. That's right, I have a 1.000 on base percentage against present Detroit Lions quarterback. Pretty sweet. Finally, another story I've heard about Drew Stanton is that he possesses a Stid, called herpes.
Obviously, none of this should take away from the amazing things he has done as a quarterback. Drew was considered to be one of the top overall prospects in the state and one of the top 20 quarterback prospects in the nation coming out of high school and the third best QB in the draft. Now he will be learning from genius Jon Kitna and leading the Detroit Lions to multiple Super Bowls, naturally.
In other news, the Notorious INGE just hit a walk off bomb vs. the Twins, preventing a sweep. Let's rejoice with a 35 second dance party.
GO CATS


Apologies to Mr. Sir Chad Durbin

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

I owe Chad Durbin a huge apology. Tonight, he struck out nine through eight scoreless innings and led the Tigers to a very big 6-2 victory over the Chicago White Sox. Before the game started, I probably made fun of Chad and said it'd be an embarassment for Chad to pitch on the national stage for the Detroit Tigers. After tonights performance, I feel embarrassed and wish I had not made such predictions. Heck, he even made AGay Gaypierzynski stay in the box on a ground ball and accumulated multiple broken bats. If it weren't for Joel Zumaya and the late inning rain, it would have been a shut out that Chad Durbin much deserved. I am very proud of Rad Chad; and yes, I have decided to change his nickname. Tonight, Chad has become the best #52 EVER. Obviously.

Some beef: The ESPN crew said the reason Guillen was not starting was because he has made 6 errors this year. Clearly, that is complete bullshit. He is definately getting the night off and it has nothing to do with the errors he has made. Although he made 2 errors the other night, Leyland claims it has nothing to do with the miscues. I just wish that ESPN got on track and stopped making claims that are not true. For example, when a fastball moves, it is not automatically a breaking ball. I can't tell you how many times a ball moves and the television crew calls it a breaking ball. I'm sorry but a pitcher who throws 85-87 mph fastballs and throws a 81 mph pitch that moves a little, it should not automatically be called a slider or changeup. Let's get real. Chicago Bulls, Deng.

Here is an argument my friends and I had: It dealt with who the best hitter ever is/was......Many feel Barry Bonds is the best hitter ever because he has the best eye in baseball. I'm sorry, but I don't think the person who ate the most carrotts as a kid has anything to do with the best hitter in baseball. Personally, I'm not sure who the best hitter is, but I don't think Barry Bonds is the best hitter ever. I think it deals with his suspect roid abuse. We talked about player(s) on ROIDS. Is your image of a player lost when you find out he has been or is on ROIDS?????

What are your thoughts?????

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Hopefully, Tigers will Punch Out Aj and White Sox; Literally and Metaphorically

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Tigers have travelled across the country twice in the past week and now find themselves in the Not Actually that Windy City for a TWO game series with the Chicago White Sox. After losing 2 of 3 to them at the CoPa just a week ago, picking up these two games would absolutely be WWF wrestler-type huge. Barring forecasted rain, tonight's game will be shown on ESPN, the first time the Tigers have been on the national stage since Game 5 of the World Series. No longer "Not that Bad," but actually, "Very Bad" Chad Durbin will toe the rubber for the Tigers against John Danks. I know some Tiger fans are hoping that the game is rained out so we do not have to witness Chad Durbin embarass himself and, more importantly, the Tigers on national television, but can't we be optimistic and say he's due for a decent outting? I certainly hope so, for hope and dreams are the roots of our recent Tiger successes. Sappy speech aside, it will be fun to watch the team on something other than my 12 inch computer screen again while cracking open a few dated, lukewarm Bush Lights and munching on Goldfish baked snack crackers. Also, seeing as this is our first nationally televised game of the year, I hope Leyland stops at Durbin and pens in all the other regulars. Meaning, if I see Neifi Perez in the lineup tonight I might gag. I think Neifi sounds more like a gang member's nickname than a baseball player. I digress. It would also be nice to see Sheff, Casey, C-Mo, and Inge all go a combined 20-20 tonight and raise their sub-200 batting averages (All averages still better than Neifi's).

In other Detroit sports news, the Pistons travel to Orlando to play 50 cent's Magic stick. Not only are we up 2-0 in the series, but I am pretty confident because Magic forward Grant Hill has never played for a winning playoff team. Despite the restraining order placed on me, I still have the upmost respect for Grant Hill as a person. Let's get serious though. He left Detroit because he couldn't bare the pressure of being the superstar, and once again, he is showing that he hates being good and leading a team to a playoff series victory. My Grant Hill memorabilia remains on my top shelf in my bedroom in Michigan, but it's value has gone down significantly in the past 10 years and will continue to do so as Grant Hill continues to try and lose playoff series successfully.
I stayed up the other night and watched the Red Wings finish off the Calgary Ice Cubes in two overtimes. Johan Franzen scored the winning goal. And that name is normal for the NHL. The Wings will begin the conference semi-finals tomorrow night at home vs. the San Jose Jaguar Sharks. Funny story...San Jose Coach, Steve Zissou, hopes that his Uncle Johnny will refrain from wearing Red Wings gear during the series because Johnny is a huge Red Wings fan. "He'll try to wear all of that Red Wings crap," said Zissou. "He can't if he wants to hang out with us. He can wear Sharks stuff for two weeks. They're not going to kick him out of the fraternity or whatever." I disagree. If Uncle Johnny is caught wearing Sharks gear, he is out. No questions asked.




On a more serious note, I would like to dedicate this next section to Brian Bluhm and all the others who unfortunately lost their lives in last week's terrible Virginia Tech shootings. Thanks to a best friend of mine, Jared Smith, I was able to meet Brian Bluhm through Tigers cyber-space on motownsports.com. Since my buddy told me about the website, I have religiously read posts made on there, including the 19.2 Brian made a day under the pseudonym estrepe1. Brian was a die-hard Tigers fan and his death, along with the others lost in this awful tragedy, has greatly affected all those in the Tigers fan base.

To all those who perished, their families, their friends, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray to God, something like this never happens again.



GO CATS



B.J. Really Does Stand for Blow Job: TIGERS WIN!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Bob Junior, who did not warm up before entering today's game because he was giving a blow job, ended up blowing the save for the Blue Gays. He walked the bases loaded with 1 out and then proceded to allow pinch hitter, Marcus Thames to break off wood inside him and then bloop in a 2-run double. The Tigers scored 2 more times to take a 10-7 lead. In the bottom half, T.J. (which actually stands for Todd Jones, not something stupid like Terrific Job or Tits Job) got the easy save.

There has been some tough games this year for the Tigers so it is always great to win games like these. That makes 3 great late-inning wins this year (Pudge's bomb in the 9th in K.C, CMO's grand salami in Baltimore, and then today) that could have easily been L's. Hopefully, we will start to win games more handily, but the nail biters will happen and if I have any finger nails left, I will bite the hell out of them when they do happen.

Also, I forgot to mention that Bob Junior wanted to make up an excuse for his blown save after the game so he decided to pack up his peanut butter and jelly and other miscellaneous crap and take a 15 day vacation to a little place called the DL and I'm not talking about Disney Land. Toronto claims theres something wrong with his arm but we all know it's his pride, and a piece of Thames' broken bat stuck up his butt. What a ginormous coward.

I gotta get better...

GO CATS

QUACK QUACK QUACK GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE: RISKE BUSINESS!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

This man threw an absolute gem vs. the Tigers today on Easter Sunday. Taking over for the Duck was lefty Jimmy Gobble Gobble. He got Casey to pop out and then got taken out because clearly that's all he's good for. The next reliever, who also did not have a normal name, walked Thames but then threw to Inge who got himself out, again. The Royals then went to Riske business in the 9th who proceded to give up a double to Maggs, walk to Guillen and then a 3-run romantic explosion to Pudge. Todd Jones got the save. Tigers won 3-2. Rumor has it that the Easter bunny left Pudge some egg shaped steroids in his basket this morning so that is why the Bunny rabbit is still our day's MVP.

Pistons beat Lebron James today at the Palace thanks to Baller Phenom Chauncey Billups. His clutch play toward the end of the game helped hold off a late Cleveland run. Also contributing to the Pistons was Lebron James' 2 missed free throws and the Cavs lack of team-work. For example, Drew Gooden did a pretty good job of taking horrible shots. The Pistons looked to be toying with the Cavs at times, as Sheed kept trying to get his 100th three pointer of the year by shooting consistently time and time again everytime down the floor. Chris Webber, who had a tuba scholarship to Det. Country Day, had another solid double-double. Pistons magic number is 3 and as of now will be facing Grant Hill and the Orlando Magic in the playoffs. That might be a bad sign because whenever Grant Hill has been on the floor, the Pistons seem to lose in the playoffs. We'll see.

Red Wings go into the playoffs knowing they have locked up Pavel Datsyuk for the next 7 years. Pavel, who is most known for winning the Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean) look a like contest, is the Red Wings leading scorer and is obviously the most important component of the Wings playoff run. Let's just hope the Wings don't choke in the first round again vs. the 8th seed.

Other hockey news... MSU won the National Championship


Great day to be a Michigander.


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Angus is the Beef of the Day

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

kales0245: so today is supposedly "hump day." dont you think thats kind of weird?? i mean yea i get it, a camal hump...the middle of the week...whatever...but that just sounds kinda sexual doesnt it? "hump" day...like ur supposed to go out and hump things or something.....idk...i just think its weird....what happened to just calling it good ole fashioned wednesday....hmmm...something to think about

Aside from noting her overuse of the dot dot dot, I'd also like to add that on most Wednesday's my back hurts like I am getting a hump in it. So there's something to think about.

Here's some more beef I have today.... Camel's Back Day:
1. To the person who keeps taking the Parmasean Cheese from the condiments island in the cafeteria....FRIGGING STOP IT. If I have to roam the cafeteria looking for it one more time while my Chicken Parm or Spaghetti gets cold I will eat your face. It belongs on the island. Take your fat asses to the island and pour whatever you need on your fat ass cookies or whatever fat people eat and leave it there so other people can use it. Contrary to what you probably think, you are not the only one who uses it.
2. Tiger haters, after one game. Tigers will be okay.
3. Poorly made video games. Make the first one as good as it possibly can. Don't promise the next one is meant to be the bomb diggity and just release the first one to act as some sort of preview. It's a waste of money, our time, and it's a damn shame.
4. Jelly. I don't even like Jelly. But somehow jelly miracuously appeared in my ham and cheese hot pocket.

Tigers game vs. AGay Burnett(e) starts in 13 minutes.
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Gil Meche??????????????????

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

A 5-3 extra inning loss to the Blue Gays drops the Tigers to a dismal 0-1 on the season and into the cellar of the Central Division (with the White Sox). Fernando Rodney appeared to have similar early jitters to Bonderman, as he was very shaky in the 10th inning like Bondo was in the 1st inning. Despite the L, there's no reason to panic. The pitching was pretty solid, minus the 1st and 10th innings, and the execution on the offensive end was impressive against CY Young candidate, Roy Halladay. Sheffield picked up his first 2 RBIs as a Tiger and the Urinator, Placido Polanco, continued to piss on any pitch near the strike zone as he had a meager 3 hits. Also, Brandon Inge and Curtis Granderson only K'ed once between the two of them; 3 or 4 less than they usually do. This while Craig Monroe had a very unorthodox day; wearing the sombrero his lawnscaping company left on his front porch after siesta time.


All in all, I don't think there's reason to worry because today was clearly a carry over of April Fool's Day because a newly signed guy (or girl?..not entirely sure) named Gil shut down a fairly lethal Boston Old Sox offense to earn a win for the Kansas City Royals and a spot atop of the division with the Indians. Not only did he shove today, he is being paid 55 million dollars. Obviously, this is all a huge hoax; it's weird. Next thing I know, Gil Meche is banging my wife, eating my cookies, and his name becomes the most common name in the world next to Coco Crisp. So I don't think we should freak out yet. Put the gun down and take the bullet out....unless you have Jose Contreras or me on your fantasy teams. Then maybe you should just end it.




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Pregame Poop Leads to Poopy First Inning

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Well the first inning was not what I was expecting for Bondo and the Tigers. But an unplanned pregrame poop that I finished just 10 minutes beforethe first pitch must have been bad karma because the Tigers go into their first hitting half of the 2007 season trailing the Blue Gays 3-0. Anyways, my Opening Day goosebumps remain and I still have a large supply of food, drinks, and positive attitude for the remainder of the game. I think the Tigers will get to that guy who calls himself a pitcher for the Canucks. More to come after the game.

Welcome to Opening Day.

Granderson singles...

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Opening Night: Why I Won't Root for the 2006 World Series Thieves

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Opening Night is just 25 minutes away. I have began to digest my pizza while sipping on a cold Milwaukee brewski in preparation to watch Nelly's Cardinals open the new season against the New Ywork Mets on ESPN2. Christina Carpet muncher will pitch against my idol Tom Glavine in what could very well be a preview of the NLCS in 6 months. Anyways, I will be rooting, very hard, against the Cardinals tonight because....

1. These birds beat our Tigers last fall in the World Series. Jewish short stop David Eckstein was the series MVP. I have put a jihad on him and the rest of his team.

2. Tony La Russa's DUI... poor leadership. Everytime he makes a visit to the mound tonight, which I hope is a lot, I will throw my empty beer cans at the television screen. A full beer can may be used if all empty beer cans have been used, but that is frowned upon.

3. Albert Pujols has a funny last name.

4. I have always been a huge Tom Glavine fan and will be his biggest fan tonight. He's crafty and sexy and I always hope he throws a gem; especially tonight.

5. I have a Mets player on 2 of my 3 fantasy baseball teams. This gives me a reasonable excuse to root for the Mets for the Tigger hating Southerners who make fun of me for being such a hardcore Tigers fan, thus would make fun of me for rooting against the Cardinals just because they beat the Tigers last fall.

6. How can you not root for that cute little face on that Mets baseball? Either way, Cardinals are fucking birds for crying out loud.

7. Peter Gammons says so.

Opening Night in 15 minutes.

TIGERS OPENING DAY: 17 hours, 15 minutes, 23 seconds.

GO CATS

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