Heyy Hey Hey! It's Richard Belding's 2008 Detroit Tigers Hitters Predictions

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Sports fans, you have had a week to let sink in the miraculous trade that brought Miggy Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis to Detroit. Personally, for the past week I have done nothing but make lineups for every single game next year, projecting how they will turn out and completing final box scores for each; taking into account potential injuries, days off, and family emergencies. I've had only one game postponed. I'm just one man, but clearly it has been a terrific week for Detroit fans all around the Earth. Well, it gets even better today. Richard Belding has been nice enough to grace us with his presence and his predictions for the Detroit Tigers 2008 Season. Gentleman, please take off your hats and listen. Ladies, spread your legs. I present to you, Principle Belding.....

"Hey, hey, hey... what IS going on HERE? haha I'm just teasing you. I'm happy to be here. So as you all know, the Tigers made a smoking hot, Kelly Kapowski type deal last week that has immediately made the Tigers the best team in baseball and makes everyone else look like the tampon Slater wrestles every match(no offense Jessie). Today, I am going to feed you my predictions for the 2008 year for each significant Tiger. I have not included Brandon Inge because I've heard he might be traded? Also, listen you guys, I know you aren't matadors so I'm going to take the bull outside... step inside my office HA!.

1. Curtis Granderson: .303 BA 24 HR 75 RBI 123 R 27 SB
Curtis will continue to improve, breaking a MLB record by adding exactly 1 point to every stat category. He is a stand up guy (not once have I seen him in detention) with amazing writing skills. I print his new blog posts out on the library's new xerox every week and read them when I eat too much beef tips for lunch-wink wink. Unfortunately, Curtis Granderson will again get snubbed from an All-Star spot, but expect him to be called upon if someone gets hurt. After the completion of the season, Curtis Granderson will announce his engagement to Jim Leyland's 14 year old daughter, arranged by Leyland himself.

2. Placido Polanco: .405 BA 1 HR 101 RBI 145 R 0 K's 1 E *46 game hitting streak*
Unfortunately, Polanco's errorless streak comes to an end after one bone head play. HA! Get it? Polanco's head is huge. I had to. Anyways, Polanco really prospers from being protected by 3-9 of the Tigers order. Polanco becomes just the 3rd Tiger since Harry Heilman to hit over .400. He wins another gold glove and gets snubbed in the All-Star voting, losing to Cano. Polanco continues to hit .930 vs. the A's.

3. Miguel Cabrera: .348 BA 34 HR 140 RBI 133 R 155 bitches
The Tigers new Zack Morris quickly becomes everyone's favorite; and he slams all the Lisa Turtles on the off days. Jim Leyland decides to let Cabrera smoke his cigerettes during games to help him lose a few LBs. Cabs edges out A-Rod in the All-Star voting, forcing A-Rod to cry like Screech and rip Cabrera's nice purple silk shirt on the stairs in the hallway. Cabrera wins the MVP award in the All-Star game and attributes everything he does this year to Milt Cuyler who actually has nothing to do with anything good about baseball. All goes to show, Miguel can do whatever he wants and he gets away with it. It wouldn't happen under my watch, Morris... but I guess do what you need to to bring the ring to Detroit.

4. Magglio Ordonez: .726 BA 15 HR 162 RBI 121 R 0 Haircuts
AC Slater of the whole gang said he would do twice as good hitting next year. I agree. He has mastered hitting the other way and he will continue to get ground ball singles to every field. Magglio will have a drop off in homers and haircuts in order to keep his average high. It's not that odd that all 15 of his homers will be walk offs though. Magglio continues to get his respect, makes the All-Star game, automatic bid into Hall of Fame and there are atleast 3 Magglio Hat with Hair Days at Comerica Park this year. Mad props to my favorite Tiger.

5. Gary Sheffield .291 BA 28 HR 96 RBI 180 R 1 steroid conviction

After being mentioned in Mitchell's report, Sheffield dedicates himself to improving his image and his game. Although he is somewhat old (39), Sheff decided to embrace his age and hit with his newly acquired walker. The extra shaft on the walker has allowed him to improve his batting average. His eye continues to improve because of his excessive carrot intake. Sheffield remains outspoken and talks frequently about how he hates William Faulkner and Cabeza de Vaca. He makes the All Star game as a reserve.

6. Carlos Guillen .305 BA 25 HR 110 RBI 102 R 3 pink eye infections

Carlos works very hard at first base during the off season and becomes more than adequate at the position. Carlos is so good that he makes Detroit'ers forget that Chris Shelton was dealt during the offseason and that the Tags once had an amazing diamond in the rough first baseman in another Carlos, Carlos Pena. Guillen continues his steady hitting and makes the all star game as a reserve

7. Pudge Rodriguez .308 BA 21 HR 85 RBI 92 R 2 cycles of steroid use

Exstatic that he was not on the Mitchell Report, proving that he is immortal to having a bad name, he takes up steroids once again. His batting average and homers increase and he does a solid job of helping Willis and other Tager pitchers improve their game. Pudge is voted to start in the all star game once again and during the dog days of summer a new Popsicle brand comes out called the Pudge-sicle. Yummy.

8. Jacque Jones/Marcus Thames .385 BA 28 HR 110 RBI 107 R a thousand boo birds The two platoon out in left field and are probably the weakest links on the this star studded squad. The predicted stats for these two are their individual stats combined and normally they wouldn't be all that bad. But in comparison to this year's amazing team, they are what Neifi Perez was to last year's team. I want to stop talking about them

9. Edgar Renteria .365 BA 15 HR 91 RBI 113 R 15 walk off singles Renteria will bat 9th because someone has to and he'd be a good candidate to because he is followed by Granderson at the top and amazing hitters follow that. Renteria would be a huge spark plug down there that would ignited many rallies once Jones or Thames make a crucial 2nd out with runners in scoring position. Renteria will make the all star game which would make a grand total of 9 for the Tigers hitters and pitchers this year, probably a Guinness world record.

Thanks for having me do this. Merry Christmas everyone, although I started this weeks ago. "

Belding will never be allowed to do this again because this was not funny and it took him almost a month to finish. Sorry for the delay and a good post will be out shortly after Christmas. Merry Christmas, and happy holidays.


Tigers Rent a Romantic Comedy from Blockbuster!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

The Florida Marlins have agreed to trade Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis to the Detroit Tigers on Tuesday evening. The Marlins will get Andrew Miller, Cameron Maybin, Mike Rabelo, and 3 other prospects in exchange for the two all-stars. After seeing the BREAKING NEWS portion of ESPN NEWS change at around 6:22, I received about 3700 text messages, some from random numbers, and it all started to really register in my mind: The Tigers have suddenly one of the best lineups in baseball and will definately be making the 2008 playoffs, barring injuries. Clearly, the Yankees not willing to give up young arms, the Red Sox wasting their time trying to get Santana, and the Angels picking pine-tar off of Vladimir's helmet, forced the Marlins to initiate talks with the coolest team in baseball: The Tags. As Jim Leyland described, "We came in to the meetings pretty relaxed. We were pretty happy with our team and were looking to just tinker a little, and then BONER!! It's not a done deal though. I have to give up smoking and there are some other minor issues that need to be worked out." Let's get real though, it's a done deal. Pretty exciting shiza.

I would write more about this trade, (how Kenny Rogers will groom Willis back into being a 22 game winner, and how my predictions of the Tigers getting A-Rod were actually pretty close to accurate) but I am swamped with work and shouldn't be wasting precious minutes blogging about this.

It's all so simple, people: DETROIT TIGERS 2008 WORLD SERIES CHAMPS


Put a Little Hair on it, Brotha

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

SO.... I'm a little embarrassed about what happened on Thanksgiving with the Lions and Packers so I'm going to immediately skip that and get into what I really want to talk about... AIDS. AIDS is a very bad disease that many think can be prevented by simply using a durex or trojan or nike condom. Unfortunately, a lot of people still contract AIDS and the world feels really bad about it. So bad about it that corporations have functions to raise awareness about AIDS and get people to donate lots of money to try and prevent/cure AIDS. Little did the world know that Coach K of Duke is a HUUUUUUGE advocate of AIDS. He loves AIDS. He loves AIDS so much. I'll be really honest and say I had no problem with Coach K when I first met him in the 8th grade. Sure I thought his deviated nasal septum was annoying to listen to and thought the fake mop of hair on his head wasn't fooling anyone, but I really thought he was an okay dude. I have the most respect in the world for Shane Battier, so I thought there has to be something cool about Coach K to get a guy like Shane to come to Duke. All this was, of course, until I started seeing more Duke games on TV when I came to college in North Carolina and finally realized how much Coach K loves AIDS. I was absolutely flabbergasted. Coach K is known for working the officials really good down here and it was a confusion to most people. I finally understand why Coach K and Duke get all the terrible calls in games....DUH! It's because he threatens them with Magic Johnson. Frick Yeah I'm bitter about the Duke win over Davidson today, but atleast I feel good about our coach's personality and morals. Praise to be Steph Curry.

Let's move on for a second and talk about how awesome-o-amazing I am. Just so you know, I have won my yahoo fantasy college pick' em league and I would like some cookies for that. Spanksew.

In other news, the Red Wings improved to 8 points ahead of the 2nd place team in the Western Conference and have allowed the league to let every single one of their players play in the All Star Game come January. That's awfully noble of Ken Holland. Great gesture to the league.

Speaking of Detroit dominance, the Pistons blew out their opponent AGAIN. Tonight, it was the Milsuckee Buckaroos, beating them by a score of 'I can't count that high' to 'who cares.' The Pistons are for real and so is Santa Claus. I don't care what Tiny Tim says.

The Lions have a pretty big game against the Dykings tomorrow. If Chester Taylor and Adrian Peterson quit being so gay together then the Lions will have a chance. The Lions have really not been clicking lately so hopefully they can get their shit together. Praise to be Jon Kitna.

I've been waiting up all night for J Holliday but he hasn't shown up so I'm going to put my freeging self to bed. Laidher


Honey, You Think KFC's Still Open?

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

So I've been sitting in the Charlotte Airport for about 3 hours waiting for my flight with Colonel Sanders staring at me obsessively from the KFC restaurant in front of my gate. I have been trying to ignore him, these two kids who are throwing their lives away by playing with mini skateboards have briefly distracted me, but I just can't ignore the Colonel's request. It's Thanksgiving time, I'm going home to Detroit, and that means it's time for yet another pride and jelly filled post.

Okay, I have to admit, I have no plan whatsoever on what I want to write about. I have been a little out of the loop of late in terms of the Detroit Pistons, Detroit Red Wings, and Detroit Shock because of a big biology test I had today. The test was on child development, nutrition and the male and female reproductive systems. Sounds simple and exactly what I learned in 9th grade, but I assure you it was not. Kwashiorkor and human chorionic gonadotropins is all I have to say.

Speaking of the glans clitoris though, the Lions will certainly engorge all my sex organs with blood on Thanksgiving. I am super sexually aroused for the game against the Green Gay Faggers on Thursday. Earlier today, I did something crazy and something I've never done before: I smack talked on a public Detroit Lions Facebook group/application page. In that smack talk, I punked out some Packer fans, guaranSeeged a Brett Favre injury after throwin 3 picks and Calvin Johnson's first career 100 yard receiving game on Thursday. Oh, I also said we would win. Here are my legit reasons on why we are going to win starting with the most legit:

1. I am going to the game. What? I'll tell you what....My career record at Lions games is ridiculously super. If they had a fan's Hall of Fame for winning percentage I would be in it. I mean we're talking like a .800 winning percentage. I took a couple gambles and attended some games in the last 5 years, but before that I was nearly perfect. The last game I remember losing was the game when we botched the extra point snap vs. Minnesota in 2004. But that was Joey Harrington's fault. Anyways, the fact that I will be in attendance wearing my gritty Cory Schlesinger jersey is enough reason to believe all the Lions fans all over planet Earth will be celebrating Thursday.

2. The year 2003. That was the last time we played Green Bay on Thanksgiving and of course, we won. 22-14, we rode the shirttail of the greatest Lion ever, Jason Hanson, to victory. Luckily for us, at the age of 73, he is still on our team and ready for a repeat. We set the precedent then, and we will follow through. Brett Favre threw three INTs in that game too, hmmm I guaransheeded another three this time.... hmmm.....interesting Butters.......

3. Brett Favre is old balls like the pepperidge farm guy. He is no longer on vicodin, alcohol, or a five year plan anymore. He is playing on only 3 days rest; and personally, I think Jon Kitna has the distinct edge here with God on his side and all.

4. Ryan Grant's ankle is ailing. Not a big deal since we have the 9th best run defense in the NFL. Either way, that leaves Green Bay having to rely on their 7th string running back. Luckily for us, their 7th string running back is webfooted Ravi Rao.

5. Calvin Johnson. I firmly believe that C.J. will have his first 100 yard receiving game in his career Thursday. He probably had his most promising performance the other day with his sick-nasty TD grab in the 4th qtr. After watching film on Monday, I am certain that the Lions will find a way to incorporate him in the offense more often and allow him to single handedly beat the cheese heads. I don't have any doubts that he will finally get to show off his true talent. Especially since Shaun McDonald legitimized the fact that he's a short, feeble, butter fingers of a 4th WR, despite his big game statistically. THE END

In other news, Lil Romeo signed to play basketball at University of Southern California. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I'm sure he's better than Aaron Carter, even though he did beat Shaq.

Surely, my flight's boarding.... and don't call me Shirley.


GO CATS (#25 ranked basketball team in the nation)

I'm Sorry, I Have a Tickle in My Throat

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Excessive coughing precedes this rant....So..... Dupree has the spinal nerve to come out with one post every 284759201194 years and decides that when he does finally come out with a post that he is going to write a short paragraph about how he became a Fudge Packers fan and bla bla bla was a great idea for a post. That's about as precious as John Madden's proposal to Brett Favre (while Brett was looking at a replay on the jumbotron, John wrote out "Will You Marry Me, Brett, you know you know ahh ahh" with his magic yellow marker). Yea, it's definately mushy and sooo love at first sight and let's ignore all the quirks we both have; like Brett's major interception and drug problems or ignoring the fact that John's a grown man who shouldn't eat so much turkey and shouldn't have crushes on NFL quarterbacks. I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't want to hear anything more about the Packers. They are good, but the Lions will put them in their place on John Madden's Favorite Day. Therefore, I am banning Drew from posting about the Packers again, unless they beat the Lions. If they beat the Lions on John Madden's neck looks like a _______ Day then Drew and whomever else wants to write a post about the Packers may feel free to do so.

In addition to this little bet, I have already made a bet with my girlfriend Kaley who is a coughcoughPackers fan cough cough. Sorry, it's the tickle. Anways Kaley, (who is the most beautiful girl I know, but has a portion of her brain that is somehow missing) and I have agreed that when the Lions win on Thankstaking Food Day she will wear my Cory Schlesinger jersey for the remainder of the evening. As a result, she will be shunned from her Packer fan based family dinner and put out onto the streets. The Packey family will then graciously accept her presence. If there happens to be some miracle whip at the game, and the Packers win, I will have to wear her skin tight, Brett Favre jersey for the remainder of the day. Either way, I feel it'll be a win win situation for me though, because if the Lions lose, coughcough it won't happen coughcough, then I can wear a jersey that is way too small for me, show off my muscles, and allow the jersey to naturally rip in many many pieces as soon as I eat a ton for dinner. The jersey will then be ruined, as will Kaley's hopes and dreams for the day. muahahaha Moral of the story: the Packer colors are green and puke; and Brett Favre is going to regret going off of his vicodin pills because he is going to be in a world of hurt on November 22nd.

Let's stay focused here people. The Lions have an even bigger game 4 days before the Thanksgiving Day game; a Disney doooozy vs. Rick Moranis' Little Giants. The Lions schedule is not getting any easier, so they need to make the most of this home game and take advantage of the fact that the Giants are coming off a tough loss to Ed O'Neil's Cowboys. The Lions suffered a few defensive injuries in last week's setback to Arizona, but should be relatively healthy every where else on the field. Jon Kitna will continue to use divine intervention and lead the Martz's offense down the field. I hope he can hold on to the ball a little better this week as a result of his increased Bible sessions during the week. All in all, if we can contain Devon Sawa and Ice Box, we should be in a good position to improve to 5-0 at home.

I don't even want to get into the Davidson/ #1 UNC game right now... I'll save that for never when I learn how to drop a 360 dunk, from the free throw line, with a blind fold on... naked.


Ya, I'm a Fudge Packer....So What?

Posted by Dupree

So today I'm at Lifetime Fitness in Troy and find myself wondering, "Why do scrawny kids with arms the size of toothpicks wear cutoffs to workout in?" This has baffled me for years and I just can't seem to shake it. At first I thought maybe they need to wear them in order to have full range of motion and do their exercises...but then again they're standing in front of the mirror with 10 lb. dumbells doing bicep curls acting like they're Hulk Hogan or something (who's son, FYI, has been arrested on several criminal charges, including third-degree felony reckless driving involving serious bodily injury, no biggie)....but that is neither here nor there. The true topic I wish to address is football.

Coming up in a about a week and a half is the annual Detroit Lions Thanksgiving Day game but the more important thing to me is that they're playing the Packers who hail from the bays of green (not the fruity bay, san fagcisco). The Packers have been my favorite team since I was runnin' around in diapers many years ago. I took a liking to them when I first saw them play in what had to be as early as 1992 when Favre took over the reins from the Magic man, Don Majkowski. What made it even better for me was that I absolutely hated the Dallas Cowboys and the Packers kicked them off their high horse in 1995. I just despised the Cowboys with a passion; maybe it was Troy "Ache"man, or Emmitt (Jared's father) Smith, or Michael Irvin (I always thought that white powder under his nose was from a doughnut he ate before the game, but guess not) but either way I hated their stinkin' guts and wished that they would all die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Ever since then, I have bled green and gold while at the same time wishing all the best for the lions, unless they were playing the Packers of course. So I hope that in the coming weekends, before the showdown in Detroit, both teams can remain atop the NFC North and give me one of the best Thanksgiving Day games ever. That is all.....for now.


The Hot Stove

Posted by Chip Stevenson

It's about that time of year when I write my annual list of potential free agents for the Tigers and analyze their chances of signing with us. This will be the 4th season I have done this, and if you are interested in seeing how freaking accurate I was the previous three times, just google "lemon party" and click on the first link. You'll see all of my ridiculously good calls (the Tigers signing Jose Mesa) and also some of my more embarrassing moments (saying that Magglio was finished). So, here's Chip Stevenson's Official Guide to Potential Detroit Tiger Free Agent Targets along with an Analysis of Their Chances of Actually Signing with the Best Team on the Planet for the 2007/2008 Offseason (available in hardcover right now wherever books are sold with a paperback edition coming out never)....

1.) A-Rod: Numero one, number uno. Let's get the big fish out of the way as soon as possible. We have an owner willing to spend. We have an unstoppable team. We have an attractive new stadium. What's not to like? I also assume that we have the manly looking strippers somewhere around Detroit that he supposedly enjoys. We also have a hole at third base, closer, left field, and head groundskeeper. Sign him up for all four positions.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 100%

2.) Francisco Cordero: Former Tiger who has excelled in Triple A since he left us... errr I mean the National League. He is really good when the game is on the line and is also top notch at being teammates with guys who throw bullpen chairs at unruly fans in the stands. We have no closer as of right now, and if A-Rod decides that closing AND playing third base might be a little much, I think this is a good call.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 99%

3.) God: With God already on the Lions' side with Jon Kitna, He is looking to become the first real good two sport athlete since Neon Deion. I see Him surpassing the accomplishments of Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders ten times over. This is an easy call, and I think God will have strong interest in joining the Tigers. God already lives in Detroit, and Ford Field is literally right next to Comerica Park so travel time wouldn't be an issue. Plus, both stadiums are top notch so I dont really see why He wouldn't want to be with us. We could use a little bit of good karma too especially after the debacle of a signing that Al "Not Divine" Levine was a few years back. This seems like a no brainer to me.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 666%

4.) Brad Lidge: Think of this scenario- A-Rod signs with us, buys the city of Northville for himself, and decides that he'd rather be our third baseman and starting pitcher instead of head groundskeeper and closer. Francisco Cordero also signs on to be our new closer but ends up getting mad at a Jankee fan and gives him a Stone Cold Stunner and a People's elbow to boot during a 24-0 Tiger victory. He obviously gets suspended and who do we have left to close??? Seems like another no brainer simply for the necessary insurance policy. Plus, with God on our team, I think Lidge will be able to overcome his mental breakdowns that have plagued him ever since Pujols took a poop on his stomach during the playoffs that one year.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 75%

5.) Matt Anderson: For those of you who dont remember, Matt Anderson was a former Tiger number 1 overall draft pick who threw a thousand miles per hour. He entered an octopus throwing contest during the offseason, tried to throw the octopus as hard as he throws a baseball, and his arm fell off. That was a few years ago though, and with all of the advanced medical technology in today's society, I dont see any reason why he cant return to his old form. Hopefully by now he weighs a little more than the 45 paper clips he weighed during his peak. Sign him up!

Chances of signing with Detroit: 85%

6.) Little Caesar: The owner of the Tigers, Mike Illitch, also owns the pizza place called Little Caesar's of "hot and ready" fame (only 5 bucks!). He will be spending so much money on the likes of A-Rod and God that it would only be fair to sign his little project and give him a chance in The Show. I guess we could give Caesar one of the positions that A-Rod doesn't want to play and maybe platoon Brandon Inge with him. Caesar probably wont add much in the terms of playing ability to the team, but it's a good gesture to a gracious owner. Plus, what better way to keep all of the players in good shape than to have Caesar bring free pizza to the park everyday? Win-Win.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 69%


7.) The World Series Trophy: Look, the Tigers are going to sign A-Rod who is the best mortal being baseball player in the history of the universe. We are going to sign Cordero to add a little intimidation/spice to our team. We are going to sign God who is the best immortal baseball player in the history of the world. He'll be able to pass out those angel wings like He did to Matthew McConaughey in Angels in the Outfield to everyone on our team except for Curtis Granderson who doesn't need them. After these additions, there is no way that Mr. Trophy wont want to come to Detroit. Start making the "World Champion Detroit Tigers" bumper stickers, car window flag things, and temporary tattoos right now.

Chances of signing with Detroit: 1000000000000%

Chip Stevenson on Chicken Wings, Child's Play, Fantasy Sports, and Au Bon Pain

Posted by Chip Stevenson

For all of you who were worried sick, Shaun Rogers did NOT break Jay Cutler's leg in the "game" a few days ago. Rogers has more experience than anyone can imagine with leg bones as his favorite food happens to be spicier-than-you've-ever-had-before chicken wings (he eats them whole, including the bone, without drinking any liquids other than the grease left over), and who can fault the guy for thinking Cutler's leg was just another piece of his favorite food? Here's a little analogy- Chicken Wing:Normal Human Being is to Wimpy Cutler's Leg:Shaun Rogers. I guess he didn't eat Cutler's leg because he knew he would be swimming in touchdown water within 45 minutes, and you know that's a no no... cramps galore. Smart man, I guess.

I also put quotes around "game" because in reality it was more of an inncocent, haha, giggle, let's smile together :) type affair that you play as kids on a playground. You know, games like tag, red rover, push the loser off the playset, break four eyes' glasses, etc. Now, kids all over the country will be avoiding that type of recess play and turning to "Lions vs. Broncos" in which all the big, highly athletic, and very intimidating kids will drop what they are doing and freakin lay out the wimpy kids who cant run without stubbing a toe and cant scream for help without their voice cracking. Boy, I wish I still had recess.

On another note... I think I hate fantasy sports. Really, it's because I pretty much suck at it, but let's get a couple philosophical points out of the way. First, everyone who is anyone and is a fan of a certain sports team wants that team to win championships. I want the Tigers to win the World Series, Drew wants the Spartans to win the National Championship, and Brian wants U.S.A.'s male gymnastics team to win gold and look fabulous doing it. So, let's say that Carlos Guillen (my favorite Tiger) goes 0-26 with 0 rbi's and 15 strikeouts during the 2008 playoffs en route to a World Series championship (I know that would never happen. Guillen would at least hit .600 with a 11 bombs). I really wouldn't care at all how bad Guillen played because the Tigers freaking won. On the other hand, tonight in fantasy football, I had a steady Willie parker going for me, and I needed 10 points out of him. Instead, he carries the ball 23 times for 42 yards, the Steelers demolish the Ravens, all the Steelers are happy, but I'm left on the outside of the winner's circle looking in, and now I have to cry myself to sleep. Secondly, you know why there are more me-first players in the NFL than any other sport? It's because of fantasy football. Every time Terrell Owens waves that stupid touchdown towel that he carries around to every game, you KNOW that it's because he is on his own fantasy team, and he's happy because he just wrapped up another winning week. There's no other explanation. How about this scenario- in years past, Chad Johnson was the creator of some of the best touchdown celebrations in history. He would plan them ahead of time and graciously accept the league sanctioned fine afterwards. This year? Not that many touchdowns, no crazy celebrations, and a neck injury to boot. Cmon, if this isn't as obvious as Kenny Chesney being gay, i dont know what is- Chad Johnson had himself on his fantasy team for the last couple years, but someone else drafted him this year. No other explanation makes sense. LASTLY, I really dont like fantasy sports because when I think of fantasy, I picture a tall glass of lemonade with one of those pink drink umbrellas in it on a warm, sunny day or setting up a few candles and running a warm bath with my new lavender scented bubbles or sitting down and reading a trashy romance novel in front of a fire on a dark, winter night. I definitely do NOT picture being angry that the Lions defense put up 29 points against me this week in a 5 point loss.

Ugh, I guess I'll go dive into the new Danielle Steel novel called Amazing Grace and put on my favorite jazz record. Until next time, I bid you adieu!
Whoa... speaking of "adieu", I will never ever ever eat at Au Bon Pain because I refuse to go to any restaurant who has the word "pain" in the name and I refuse to go to any restaurant who has a name that I cant pronounce. I urge all of you to do the same. okbye

Smile If You're 6-2 and You Don't Floss

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Alert Maury Povich! Shaun Rogers and the Detroit Lions are in fact the DADDY. The Lions decided to get silly, open a dozen cans of whoop ass, score 44 points, and make fun of Mike Shannahan's fake tan against the Denver Nachos Sunday afternoon. Adding insult to Cutler's injury, D12's Bizarre of all people rolled 66 yards for a touchdown after intercepting a Patrick Ramsey pass in the fourth quarter. As if the pick 6 wasn't bad enough, prior to barrel rolling into the endzone, Rogers decided to forearm shiver Selvin Young to the turf while saying, "Don't bring that koolaid to a grown mans party." After being carted off the field, Rogers was given a bowl of spaghetti-o's and oxygen, of which he ate the whole thing in 10 seconds.

Jon Kitna turned in another amazing performance, having not thrown an interception since our first meeting with the Bears in week 4. Despite the controversy this past week with his halloween costume, he quieted the analyst on ESPN that said this situation would be like the Scott Mitchell/Wayne Fontes halloween costume, ultimately leading to the team's demise.

Regardless, the Lions are 6-2 and headed to Arizona for sure..... next week for a game with the Cardinals. This will be a good chance for us to get accustomed to the area, scope out some local hot spots, get used to the heat and field conditions for the next time we play there in January for some thing most people like to call the Super Boner game.

In other news, George Blaha hasn't aged a bit and the Pistons have gotten off to a nice 3-0 start. They struggled with the Hawks tonight, but battled back in the fourth quarter to come out victoriously. Rasheed Wallace hasn't guaranteed anything yet, but I have. The Pistons will go further than the Boston Celtics this year. I bet Ray Allen gets hurt again and they don't make it past the first round of the playoffs. Call me in 6 months.

There has been some tragedy in the past few days that I must speak of ....Joel Zumaya. Zoom underwent career threatening shoulder surgery the other day. The story has been told that he was moving boxes at his parents house in California because of the wild fires and a heavy box fell on top of his pitching shoulder. He did not notify the Tigers until a couple days later and underwent surgery pretty much immediately afterwards. There has been a lot of skepticism with this injury though. First of all, why are you moving the bottom box when there is another box above it. It's pretty clear that pulling a box out from under another will cause the top box to fall. Secondly, we're not even completely sure the injury happened because he was moving boxes. There have been rumors that Zumaya was dirt bike racing on a ranch and might have fallen off his bike onto his shoulder. Clearly, this would piss just about everyone off in Detroit and cost Zumaya a lot of money, so naturally he'd come up with a good cover up story. There are two signs however, that point to Zumaya having told the truth about hurting his shoulder while moving boxes in California during the wild fires. A) The flames on his forearm were a sign of his demise from the day he got them tattooed on. B) I'm to blame... :-/ If you recall, I mentioned in a previous post in December that I wanted to burn down his game room so he could never play guitar hero again. Not only did I succeed in bringing the fire disaster, but I managed to get ZoomZoom seriously hurt in the cleaning efforts. I feel so Bartman right now so I apologize to everyone out there if the fires were in fact the true story for his injury.

I am going to move to Florida for a few days and think about what I've done. I don't think I'm to blame here, but I need a good few days of watching Oprah by myself before getting over this one if I am.


Happy Birthday!!!!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Today is the birthday of my blog. A year ago on Halloween, I started the SOGGY BLOG to allow myself to write about damn near anything I felt like writing. Over the course of the year, the blog has changed names and turned into predominantly a sports blog that carries with it dramatized stories and sometimes pretty much flat out lies. In the 57 posts (about 1 post a week) before this, I have offended people, made terribly great jokes, gained 25 pounds of pure muscle without the use of anabolic steroids, and I have made this blog a collaboration with 2 other writers who have the same perfect physique as me, despite their lack of posts. All in all, it has been a great year of blogging and I plan on keeping it up while publicizing its name even further. Thanks to everyone who has read my blog over the year and I hope that you will continue to do so. If you don't, you can suck my balls (Cartman). Enjoy your Halloween, South Park tonight, and just so you know Jon Kitna's sorry for his naked man Halloween costume.

High Five!!!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Today Oprah lost a little weight, and the Detroit Lions picked up their 5th victory of the season...in week 8! At 5-2, the Lions are well on their way to making good of Jon Kitna's pre-season prediction of 10 wins and a trip to Arizona...during week 10. High five.

Here is another little story that no one else knows about, pertaining to the picture above. Rod Marinelli made a very Notredamus-like prediction during a press conference prior to Super Bowl 40. A news reporter asked him how many wins the Lions would have in the 2007 season after week 8. He raised 5 fingers and exclaimed, "FOUR." Very eery, huh?? High five.

Quips aside, it's exciting to be watching the Lions AB (after Barry) win again. We haven't made the playoffs since 1999 and we still have never won a Super Bowl. Since every other Detroit team has done something exciting in the past 4 years, I think it's about time the Lions do something worthwhile too. I get goosebumps listening to Dan Miller and Jim Brandstatter yelp out in excitement when the Lions win, as opposed to hearing the sounds of razor blades cutting through skin after a Scott Mitchell pass on 4th and goal at the end of the game goes sailing out of the back of the endzone. High five for that.

A-Rod took his first step to signing with the Tigers today. He has decided to opt out of his contract with the Yankees, 96 point 3 repeating, of course, percent sure ending his career with the Yankees. Although A-Rod said he would entertain offers from the Yankees still, Brian Cashman has adamantly said that the Yankees would not pursue A-Rod if he opted out of his current contract. A-Rod says he does not want to stick it out with his current Yankees contract because he says the make-up of the Yankees team has too many question marks that need to turn into $$ marks aka he wants to see how much he can make it rain in the free agent market. This all just means that the Tigers have found their new shortstop for the 2008 World Series run. I have heard Dave Dombrowski will work his 50 (million) cent magic stick with Scott Boras and get A-Rod to sign with the Tags. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about A-Rod being in a Tigers uniform since I have made SO MUCH fun of him in the past. I guess we'll just have to wait until tomorrow, after he signs with us to find out how I feel. I'll sleep on it... in my peejays! High five.

The Red Wings have started the season red hot smokin' sweet. Zetterberg gets about 4 points a game and radio play-by-play guy, Ken Kal, has yet to crack his voice when shrieking HE SCORES!!! I'm not going to get too excited about their start though, because they have been the best team in the NHL the past few seasons and have choked in the playoffs. Either way, they have made a note-worthy start to the season. High five.

Speaking of Tampax, the Bawstawn Red Sox won the world series tonight, sweeping the Rockies 4 games to none. Middle finger.


Gimme Gimme....Gimme Hair!

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

It's been over a month since my last post. Well that is just pathetic. But I do have a logical explanation. Way better than the explanation Jared gave about his "Everybody Poops" book he lied about writing. And my reason is this: I have been seriously distraught over the revelation that Angela's cat, Sprinkles, was killed. Okay, that is not the real reason because I didn't even find that out until a couple weeks ago, but seriously I am really sorry for not posting lately. I have had a tough month of playing Mario Heinz Ketchup with school work and partying my balllllls off after having taken the LSAT at the end of September. What?

So I wanted to get into this post by starting off with an apology, your acceptance of my apology and then follow that up with some questions that have been really picking my nose/brain lately.

1) Why is toilet paper's width the size it is it? Every roll of toilet paper has the same width and it bothers me. What if Elton John or Shaq need wider pieces of paper to wipe their respective large assholes? They shouldn't have to waste toilet paper and roll out more just to get their terdnuggets off their hole. I came across this question when I saw that commercial where the guy was sawing his toilet paper in half to make more toilet paper and save money. I thought that was a brilliant idea for him and anyone with a small asshole, like an 8 year old boy, Avril Lavigne or Chalista Flockheart. But what about the bigger or gayer dudes?

2) Will the Tigers aggressively seek and sign A-Rod???? First of all, A-Rod has to decide against the Yankees. After that, the answer is up in the air. I have heard from a source whom I will not name, that Dave Dombrowski will contact Scott Boras and work out negotiations pertaining to Alex. Dombrowski and Boras have had a good relationship in the past and it does not seem impossible. The main question is whether or not the Tigers will be willing to pay A-Rod big money or if they even have it. Clearly they could use a SS, or 3B even, but A-Rod's money demand and sexual orientation will be the deciding factor. I don't see it happening.

3) I realize I have been making a lot of gay jokes and references in this post so the last question is.... Am I actually the one that's gay? This answer is tough, but I think I might be. I listen to a lot of Justin Timberlake and I fancy myself walking the streets in a summer dress sporting a nice purple Coach purse. Actually, that's totally normal, so NO I'm not gay.

I'm such a nincompoop.

Lions are 4-2 and expect more posts discussing their road to the Super Bowl. Holler


Kitna Promises 18 Super Bowl Wins in 10 Seasons; Harrington's Still Crying "Diaper Rash!"

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

So the Detroit Tigers season has been over for about a week now, after being swept up by John Smith and the Native American Tribe. Adding mean insults and salt to injuries, they lost to the KC Royals at home tonight (while the Yankees won in a comeback fashion faux pas) to pretty much solidify the fact that they'll be home in October purchasing Halloween candy for the children in their neighborhoods and not playing on Fox with Joe Buck's peanut butter mixed with velvet commentary.

The day is now Sunday as I continue this post....the Detroit Lions tried really hard vs. the Eagles today. Unfortunately, Scott Mitchell's nostalgia costed the Lions big time. Very reminiscent of 1995, we lost a nail biter, 56-21 (Jason Hanson missed a field goal). Jared's boiiii, Kevin Curtis went off on the Lions in the first half, breaking all sorts of records and disc players. He scored 3 TDs and had over 220 yards receiving in the FIRST HALF. During halftime he realized he's really white and not that good so he didn't produce barely anything in the second half. Donovan 10 piece McNugget also had a pretty good game. Despite the blowout to a team that wasn't even wearing their normal team colors, the Lions' players were very confident after the game. Roy Williams made it clear that he hopes to see the Eagles in the playoffs, while Jon Kitna pretty much said the loss was meaningless since the Lions will go undefeated at home this year and split the games on the road. That means we'll be 12-4 and well on our way to the Super Bowl.

Joey Harrington lost today to the Carolina Panthers. Despite the fact I go to school in Charlotte even though I don't really care about the SexPanthers, I was really pulling for Joey today. He has had a rough life and I'm really concerned that he might try and Owen himself. However, he puts it all on himself. For example, today at the end of the half he led an impressive Falcon drive into field goal range that would tie the game. The clock was running and the most common sense thing to do is call timeout when there is 3 seconds left so the field goal will run the clock out and the other team won't have any chance of scoring or returning a kickoff into field goal range for themselves. Needless to say, Joey thought it'd be fine to call timeout at 14 seconds. His coach ripped him a new asshole and Joey began to cry. Luckily, Carolina did not try and capitalize when they got the ball back with 11 seconds left. As Jared Smith likes to say every night before he goes to bed, "Dear Jesus, Poor Joey, Amen."

I'm gonna eat some goldfish and throw a nice fat dip in at the same time....

But seriously, laidher


Cardiac Jones Gets 300 Saves; Kitna says "2 up, 8 to go... bitches"

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Todd Jones likes to party

Todd Jones closed out his 3rd consecutive game Sunday, in his favorite fashion, to pick up his 300th career save. He let the Twins come within 2 runs and let the game winning runs get on base before retiring the final hitter to record the save. The Tigers have now won 5 straight games, and 11 of 15 in the month of September to pull within 2 1/2 games back of the Yankees and 4 1/2 back of the Indians. The Tigers are in the midst of a HUMUNGOUSFUNGUS series vs. the Indians right now in Cleveland (Tigers are up 5-2 in the 5th). If the Tigers pull Sabrina's broom out and do some sweeping then they will be only 1 1/2 games back of the Indians and at worst still be 2 1/2 back of New York with about 12 games left to play in the season. If a sweep happens, I certainly like the Tags' chances of making the playoffs. However, I think anything less would make it hard to recover from because the Yankees have completely forgotten how to lose and the same thing goes for the Indians (except for when they play the Tigers or when the Tigers lose too). Either way, it will be fun watching my first ever Tigers September playoff chase considering last year it wasn't really a question whether or not we were going to make the playoffs, it was just a question of whether if it was going to be as Division winners or Wild Card winners.
As if things couldn't get any worse for the state of Minnesota (bridge collapsing, Tigers' sweeping, T-Wolves, state bird being the Common Loon), the Detroit "Future Super Bowl Winners" Lions defeated the "I'll have a MiniSoda, please" Vikings Sunday at Ford Field in a Michael Jackson thriller. Lions quarterback, Jon Kitna, made Christian Bale look like a school boy bitch as he took the team on his shoulder's and led them to victory. Allow me to elaborate....In the 2nd quarter, Kitna was getting tossed around like an expensive house salad and finally was hit so hard that he became concussed. I was watching the game at a Sports bar so I could not hear the commentating but the video feed looked as if something had happened to his eye. He came up with his hand inside his helmet and they showed trainers flashing a light in his eyes on the sideline. He appeared to be fine as he was standing on the sideline but something could have definately been wrong with his vision or something. SO, using my awesome assumption skills, I assumed he had his eye poked out by a very viscious valueless (V for Vendetta is a good moVie) Viking. Alliteration aside, I was upset and nervous that the Lions were being quarterbacked by JT OSullivan, a kid who was picked last in dodgeball during last week's gym class. The Lions were looking terrible on offense, but the defense was picking up the slack. Still, I knew the Lions were not going to win without having Kitna in the game. Sure enough, with about 8 minutes left in the 4th quarter and the game tied, Jon Kitna promised Marinelli that he was OK and that he was going to be sweet. Kitna came through. In 2 possessions in the 4th quarter he was 8-11 passing and put the team in position to win the game. A Roy Williams fumble and Jason Hanson missed FG almost lost the game for the Lions but the defense prevailed again in OT as they recovered a fumble around midfield. After that, Kitna decided to put the game in his own hands for the most part as he completed a pass to himself and converted a HUGE 3rd down by scrambling right for 6 yards and taking a rather large hit, giving him his 2nd concussion of the game. After a big run by Calhoun, Jason Hanson redeemed himself by knocking down the game winning field goal. Lions are victorious 20-17 and are clearly the best team in the NFL at 2-0.

As if the world didn't know how sweet Kitna is already, his performance yesterday was praised on today's PTI as gutsy, as opposed to insane. In addition to that, 3rd string quarterback, Dan Orlovsky told reporters that Kitna is the best quarterback in the NFL; way better than that actor for the Colts and the guy with the double chin in New England.


5 reasons why the Tigers will in fact make the playoffs

Posted by Dupree

going from 5 to 1 (least important to most important)
5. I just pitched a perfect game in MLB2K7 with Nate Robertson vs. the Minnesota Ho-Ho's (or is it Twinkies?)....this must bode well for when Nate (don't mistake me for Lovett) takes the mound tonight against Joe "Blow me" Mauer and the rest of their pathetic team.

4. Jim Leyland has pieced together his rotation for the stretch run. I hope this is a reason why the Tigers will make the postseason considering this stretch rotation is including Jair Jurrjens who has pitched well of late. The only thing I can hope for is that Yorman Bazardo pitches well Saturday when he's penciled in to make the start opposite Johan Santana since this series will be one of the biggest of the year.

3. The Yankees are playing a tough weekend series at Fenway against the B.ody Odor Sox. Hopefully the stinky Sox can come through and help us out with a sweepage of the Yank-mees. Terry Francona said they're playing for the Tigers this weekend and considering they stacked their rotation with Ed Dice-K, Josh (look up your cards) Beckett, and Curt "fake bloody sock" Schilling, I think we're in good shape.

2. Andy Pettite is pitching tonight for the Bronx Brown Bombers and his nose has grown even more since his last start since he lied twice to his wife. Thus his nose is now 3 inches further away from his face. This doesn't help the yankees cause for tonight.

1. Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez started their periods today (yes, they're on the same schedule, how gay). ESPN said that Jeter was unavailable for comment before the game cuz he was in the training room but honestly I think he was huddled up in a bathroom stall crying cuz Gay-Rod called him fat. This can only mean good things for the Tigers. So we have 5-7 days depending on their cycle to capitalize.

so as I sit here in my John Olerud style Tigers helmet (you know the one with no ear covers that he wore at first base) and drink my Bud Light, since I decided to splurge tonight and move up from Busch Light, all I have to say is ......

Go Tigers and Spartans


Bet On It

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

So I'm going to take the Akon route and place all the blame on myself, even though it's not my fault, for having not come out with a post in a me so horny long time. It is all because I have in fact been a bizzy bee, killing buzz studying for the LSAT and just having a good ole fashioned time being as lazy as the CVS cashier's left eye. Just so you know, a lot has happened since my last post....here are 5 major things.... 1) The Tigers have dropped to 5 1/2 games back in the Central and 4 games back in the Crazy Card race 2) Zac Efron turned 19 and has become a sexy hollywood beast 3) Jon Kitna led the Lions to a Johnny Drama Victory in Week 1 against Josh McCown, a former 2nd string Lion (that says enough about the Raiders). 4) Magglio has F'ed about 2,946,573 chicks 5) Jared Smith has done atleast 1,000 abdominal crunches

Anypooh, I want to stay HIV positive and talk about the things that make me happy about the Tigers. For starters, they have definately overcome a ton of adversity this season (injuries, Neifi Perez, the singing hot dog man, etc) and have still faired well. Right now, 4 back in the wild card and 5 1/2 back in the division, they still have a chance of catching the New York Gayguys and the extinct (no matter what anybody else says) Cleveland Indians. Actually, it could be a whole lot worse. We could be the Cincinnati Reds or Brittney Spears' kids. As Chip said, I'm so happy for what happened last year and still, to be watching meaningful games in September (other than Lions or Shock games) makes living so much more worth it. Owen Wilson knows what I'm talking about. (too soon?) Either way, I'm happy to be a Tigers fan and happy they are battling their asses off, holding onto Magglio's back for dear life, trying to get a ride into the playoffs. I'll be watching till the end of the world, no matter what.

Oh, I almost forgot...Michigan football decided to take a rain check on competing this season. Lloyd Carr has admitted to being old balls and wishes he was eating jello in a nursing home and not coaching a Division 1-A (debatably a 1-AA) program. Michigan is 0-2 and plays Notre Dame this weekend. Michigan's RB, Mike no Hart, has guaransheed a victory over the 0-2 Fightless Irish on Saturday. Luckily for him, Notre Dame has also guaranteed a Michigan victory and admitted that their Coach has agreed to take on the main part in Supersize Me 2; in addition to having given up on coaching too. MSU remains 2-0 and last I heard, Deon Curry is still dating Kristin Lowry, who was in Jared's advisory.

On to the NFL... the Lions take on the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday at 4 pm. Detroit televison will have a split screen viewing of that game and the Atlanta Falcons game so everyone can watch Joey Harrington melt under pressure at the same time as the Lions dominating. I guess melting under pressure for Harrington is a whole lot better than being Vick's bitch.

I need to go to bed... laidher


Oh Stop, You're Too Kind

Posted by Chip Stevenson

So in my many, many years of blogging experience, I have learned a few things about the whole system: 1.) the name "blog" comes from the original term "web log". 2.) John Eshelman's nickname is "tushy" 3.) Curtis Granderson is a better man than I 4.) Britney Spears spelled backwards is "I love ordering the big mac and the filet o' fish so that i can combine the two sandwiches and make my own special surf n turf while I dip chicken mcnuggets in vanilla milkshakes and then drink the sweet and sour packets afterwards to cleanse my pallet" and 5.) when legitimate bloggers stop posting, they almost always attribute it to being super busy while writing an unbelievable book that everyone should buy because what's in it will turn your brain to shit. Well, I am definitely a legitimate blogger and I have definitely stopped posting after my unprecedented run of two posts in two days a while back. Now, I know what you are all thinking, but, no, my book is not called, "How to Deal with Having a Perfect Bone Structure and Abs Made out of Limestone". While those attributes do in fact apply to me, I am not actually writing a book at all. I really dont have an excuse as to why I haven't posted in a while other than working out too many times a day in order to maintain the physique that put me on the cover of Men's Health. So, without further ado, my first post in a while:

The Tigers season is drawing to a close and their playoff chances arent looking too good right now. 4 games back of the jankees and a lot of games back of the indians leaves them on the outside looking in. I dont want to sound like I'm giving up because we do play the indians one more series and the jankees play the bosox this weekend and if either of those series end up in sweeps in our favor, we definitely have a good shot. Still, it's hard not to start facing facts and I just want everyone to take a deep breath as I analyze a few of the things that went wrong this year for the Tags...

1.) Preseason finishes with Kenny Rogers almost having to get his pitching arm amputated and Vance Wilson, a solid contributor last season, out for the year. Kenny won 17 games last year and also pitched a thousand scoreless innings in the playoffs so he was missed more than I think anyone really expected.

2.) Joel Zumaya's pitching finger explodes and he's out for a long time. To add insult to injury, the finger exploded while he warmed up to pitch against the Royals. He could have thrown left handed that game and still struck out the side in 7 pitches. If Leyland was smart, he'd have Zumaya kick the ball towards home plate against the crappy teams only to save his throwing arm for the good teams like the Yankees and the Birmingham Barons

3.) Rodney pitches like Matt Haggerty for the first month or something like that and goes on the dl twice throughout the year

4.) Sheffield hurts himself in one of only like two games all season where he played the outfield and it had nothing to do with the cyringes sticking out of his back pocket.

5.) Joey Harrington gets cut by the Dolphins

6.) Todd Jones forgets how to throw anything other than 90 mph poop chutes for about a month

7.) Craig Monroe gets traded for a pitcher who has allowed 8 baserunners and only recorded 3 outs so far which sounds prettttty bad until I learned that we actually tried to pay the Cubs to take Monroe off our hands but the Cubs said that taking that pitcher away from them was payment enough. In other words, we said here is a dollar to take Monroe and the cubs said no no no, if you want us to take monroe, put your wallet away because we just want you take this guy away from us. Price you gotta pay i guess for getting rid of Monroe.

8.) Sean Casey remains on the team all year

I dont know, that's only 8 of like 130 bad things that happened to the Tigers this year but I'm already depressed talking about it. It just seems like all the breaks are going to the opponents and all the bad stuff keeps happening to us. Still, if that's the price I gotta pay to have enjoyed last season then it's well worth it. There will never be another season in my lifetime like last year and I feel privileged to have been able to watch it. I'm looking forward to the rest of the season and to next year when we go 162-0 and the world series is cancelled after the National League representative refuses to participate unless a mercy rule is put into effect immediately. Seriously, I love this team and I can't wait to watch them for the next few years

The Lions won, which is a good thing I think. Well, it's a bad thing if we lose out on the first pick of the draft by one game. which is entirely possible. Who said that we can start winning road games anyways? I guess anything can happen though, and maybe this really is the year the Lions break out. Our offense looked real good and the defensive line was pretty dominant so who knows? One thing that I do know is that Ms. Lippy's car is green.

-Chip S.

Sorry for the Delay

Posted by Dupree

I apologize for taking such a long time in getting my first post out there but I hope that my first showing isn't as poor as Yorman Bazardo's first appearance wearing the old english D since coming up from triple-A Toledo. Anyways I'll skip my intro since Pacman has already done so,(by the way those boobs aren't real) and get right into my frustrations. So I come home today eagerly anticipating an afternoon of pop tarts and Tigers baseball just like the good old days of middle school when my only worries were the zits on my face and onion smell seeping from my armpits (both of which aren't an issue anymore but thanks for your concern). I watched the first 4 innings and was quite giddy realizing that the Tags could possibly inch a game closer in the A.L. Central and wild card races with the Indians, Yankees, and Mariners all losing. We put up 2 in the 1st and tacked on a meager 5 more runs in the 5th to take the score to 7-0. At this point I was exhaling and starting to chalk one up in the win column...(Rod would later have to tell me to pull the eraser out which happens to be 2 drinks in the Rod Allen drinking game).

It all started to go downhill when I mentally jinxed Nasty Nate by thinking to myself how neat it would be if he pitched a perfect game or even pulled a Justin Verlander or Clay Buchholz and threw a no-no. Low and behold one pitch after my assanine thoughts, laidher to either one of those. After Nate battled through a tough 5th and 6th he handed the ball over to the bullpen with a comfortable (or so I thought) 7-2 lead. I'm guessing that Fernando Rodney thought Robertson was gonna go the distance and decided to light up a post game jibber a little early cuz he came out of the pen with eyes more red than those gigantic ones in the clear eyes commercial(pictured above in the bullpen before warming up). He sure as hell pitched like it too allowing the A's to crawl back into the game before Timmy ByrdaKKKKK came in and sent Panama Red Rodney into the dugout where he ate sunflower seeds (some might call that a case of the munchies). Two innings later T.J. came in to close it out and instead decided to ruin my fantasy ERA for the day allowing Kurt Suzuki to ya ya and tie the game who by the way needs to stop grinning after he hits a home run. Quit grinnin dang. (cJ.A.S.). Anyways Jones came very close to losin the game right there in the 9th but decided to let a youngster take the heat and blow it in the 10th. I mean I'm all for giving young guys a shot but allowing Yorman Bazardo to pitch the 10th inning of a game that the Tigers desperately needed seems a lil silly to me. I would've been more comfortable with Jason Grilli in the game. Well not really but you know what I mean. But Bazardo comes in and before I can even read the name on the back of his jersey, the games over. Tigers lose 8-7 and blow a golden opportunity to gain a game in the standings.

In other news, I made one of the best fantasy draft picks evvvver tonight by stealing Michael Vick in the 15th round of my yahoo draft. No one expected it but i guarantee he's gonna have a great year (new rule states 100 pts for the team with highest total # of days in jail...I've got that locked up). Chris Henry and Pacman Jones were taken later in the final round. I'll let ya know how it works out for me.

Go Spartans (who don't lose to I-AA teams)


Voodoo Child

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Just when sports analysts were starting to count the Tigers out, the Detroit Tigers decided to start trying again. With Drew Carey's team in town for a pivotal happy life or I'll slit my wrists series, Jair Jurrjens took the bump for only his 2nd career start (His 1st being @ Cleveland 5 days ago). Jurrjens may only be 21 years old, but last I checked 21 is the legal drinking age. J.J. funneled three beers before the game and threw amazing. The Tigers won 2-1 thanks to Jurrjens and company's combo 1 hitter, Mags and Guillen's back-to-back bombs, and a firm positive attitude. By the way,Jurrjens had a no no for 5 1/3 innings before letting Jhonny (terrible way to spell Johnny) Peralta hit a solo home run.

As if all that isn't really cool news enough, Joel Zumaya returned from the DL tonight. After Jurrjens walked Travis Hafner with 2 outs in the 7th inning, Leyland summoned the flame thrower to get out Ryan Garko to end the inning. The appearance was much anticipated as Zumaya came out to a standing ovation while confetti and the sweet soothing sounds of Jimi Hendrix surrounded the stadium. The stadium had a 1 minute 16 second dance party welcoming him back. Zumaya noticed how pumped the fans were when he started warming up. "They were frickin up when I first started to warm up," Zumaya said. He carried that momentum into the game. His first pitch was clocked at 98 mph fastball right down the Pujol for strike one. After just a few more pitches (one that touched 99), Garko grounded out to 2nd base. Although it wasn't exactly what Zumaya wanted (a strikeout on a 115 mph changeup), he didnt't seem to mind because he was all jacked up on Red Bull and gave his signature fist pump after Casey caught the ball from Polanco. His return is a very good sign for the Tigers because now he can put the bullpen on his back, taking tons of pressure off of the weaker, less than adequate pitchers (cough cough Grilli's face looks like a dotus cough cough). All in all, the Tigers pulled within a half game of 1st place in the Central and I was able to eat my Papa John's pizza with glee.
Touching on some recent news, Cameron "Metal Mouth" Maybin was called up from AA Erie at the beginning of the Yankees series. Craig Monroe was designated for assignment. I wasn't certain whether to be really excited for Maybin or really sad for Monroe. Craig was such a vital part of our team last year it's definately depressing to see him suck so much now. I would have hated to be in the room when he had to tell his mommy. However, his suckiness is very good news for Maybin who is definately the future of the Tags OF if not the future of the MLB. Although he does have braces, it is important to note that Gary Sheffield had braces when he first broke into the league. Look at him now...he has amazing teeth. No worries there. Also, I am proud to say that I did accurately predict Maybin's first career home run when he hit it off of Roger Clemens. Two of my brothers, my dad, and I were watching the game on Fox in a bar on Martha's Vineyard. My dad was being heckled by my mother to leave and walk around the island. I said, and I quote myself, "Ok we can leave after Maybin hits a home run right here." 2 pitches later he hits a monster bomb over the 408 sign at Yankee Stadium. Afterwards, we walked to some store. It was lovely.

Verlander throws tomorrow vs. the crafty Byrd man. Zumaya will probably pitch again in relief if the game is semi close. I'm amped.

Murder, She Wrote is on the Hallmark channel. Laidher


Time to Nut Up

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

The Tigers squandered an opportunity to take a respectable 3 game lead over the Indians by losing on the eve of Chip Stevenson's 21st when Cleveland was idle, and following that up with a 2 game split with Cleveland. So now the Tigers and Indians are kissing their sisters and tied for first. The Tags now head into what will be a difficult four game series with the Yankmees in New York while the Indians face the solid AAA Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

The Tigers will try to ignore Alex Rodriguez's murse in these next four games and focus on picking up atleast 3 wins. E-Rod may have not officially came out of the closet, but apparently I'm not the only one who thinks he has a Pride bumpersticker and bag of dildos in his trunk. When the Yankees honored him for his 500th home run the other night the two portraits and sculpture presented to him were painted with the colors of the rainbow. Hands on your hips everyone. Interesting.

Some other notable information of late is that Polanco, Pudge, and Monroe all missed tonight's game because of the flu. Rumor has it that they in fact do not have a full blown out case of the flu but that Monroe's K's were starting to give everyone a minor cold (specifically Pudge, Polanco and himself). Also, Kevin Costner has been sleeping with their entire families. Jim Leyland scratched them from the lineup as merely a precautionary measure. I fully expect them to return tomorrow, although I hear Kevin Costner is taking the bump in game 1 because we need a perfect game.

Speaking of perfect games, Placido Polanco broke the major league record for conesecutive games played without making an error. After the game Monday, Polly has failed to make an error in 144 straight games. Congratulations to him. I'm proud to say that I was at the game when he broke the record and I will definately share the great story with my grandchildren so they can one day tell their own grandchildren and so on. Screw Barry Bonds.

Fox Sports online has recently written an article proclaiming the winners to end of the season awards. For AL MVP...drum roll....they say that GayRod is the winner, HANDS DOWN. Exsqueeze me? A Baking Powder??? Magglio Ordonez is for sure the AL MVP right now, hands up in the air for celebration and unanimity. Ya, Ya, Blah, Blah, Rodriguez was en fuego during the first half of the year, blah blah with numbers that definately made him a first half AL MVP blah blah- despite his flamboyance and teams blah blah .500 record. But listen...As shown, his stud numbers were not helping his team. Lately, the Yankees have been unbeatable; improving to a point where they now share a lead in the Wild Card standings. HOWEVER, A-Rod has only been hitting .259 with 9 homers since that turn around. Isn't an MVP supposed to be the leader and Most VALUABLE Player to his team?? Now let's look at Magglio. His first half was as equally impressive to A-Rods minus the bombs, but Magg's team was in first place. His numbers in the 2nd half have declined too, but not nearly as much. He is still hitting .339 since the break; oh and he leads the Major Leagues in Batting Average if that counts for anything. So I would just like to go on record and say that Fox Sports is wrong and my blog is superior to all that say Magglio does not deserve the AL MVP, if not the MVP of the universe. P.S. Don't forget about Magglio Ordonez 'hat with hair' day for the first 15,000 fans at Comerica Park. Should rank right up with there with Christmas.

In other news, I only recognize about 7 names on the Detroit Lions roster. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it doesn't matter when you're undefeated.

I was beefing about something earlier and I can't remember it now....Oh well. Maybe Laidher.


Justin Upton Comes a Single Shy of Becoming Youngest Player to Hit for Cycle....Bonds Hits 756

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Justin Upton of the Arizona Diamondbacks had a pretty good approach at the dish tonight. Entering the 9th he was 3-3 with a 3B, HR, and 2B; just a single shy of becoming the youngest player in the history of MLB to hit for the cycle. In the 9th inning he hit a hard ball near the hole but the Bucs 2B made a decent play. Upton, brother of Tampa Bay Devil Rays B.J. Upton, still has 93 days to accomplish the feat. It astonishes me that Justin was at the same showcase as I was in high school. Look at the striking resemblences!!

Justin's performance tonight was overshadowed by something that was a little bit bigger of a deal.......the end of the relationship between Jason Grilli and I. Entering the 8th inning with a 6-1 lead, Jason allowed 5 runs, 4 of them coming off a grand salami sandwich, tying the game. Nate Robertson was firery hot with anger because he was in line for the win and was hoping to don his new haircut in celebratory post game interviews. Stupid Jason Grilli, we're through. He is no longer allowed to sleep over at my house or wear my favorite Inspector Gadget pj's. I probably will never talk to him again unless he blows the World Series or doesn't give me back my fuggin Captain America action figure. If either of those happen, I will probably write him a letter containing anthrax and sign it as from Nazr Mohammed. Luckily, the Tigers kept their bats in the oven over night and won 9-6. Todd Jones picked up another save in the 9th giving him 30 on the year and 293 for his career. ESPN plans on being at every Tigers game after he reaches 299 with hopes of capturing his 300th save LIVE. I'm sure there will be a grand feast with streamers for everyone afterwards. Bud Selig will bring Jonesy all the finest meats and cheeses in all the lands.

Oh! I almost forgot to touch on this subject. Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run tonight. Dimitri Young said, "whooptee-dooo," and slapped his wife in a natural response to the occasion.
Although I am a HUGE advocate of the 'I Hope Barry Bonds Sticks A Needle in His Eye' Fan Club, I was slightly touched by his speech. The ending when he thanked his dad was emotional. Bobby is most definately up in heaven looking down on his son...... get it??? Also, it was extra classy of Hank Aaron to give a heart felt congratulatory video message to Barry. Very smart of Hank to not let everyone see that his fingers were crossed. Very nice.

I'm going home tomorrow so please be patient for future posts. I'd say stay at your computer and click refresh only once every 15 minutes as opposed to the normal 5. Thanks.


Waiver Wire Pick Up

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

The Atlanta Braves and Detroit Tigers are not the only teams making big moves to improve their postseason chances. This blog has a real shot at being the best blog ever made; and I've drastically improved those chances by adding Jared Smith near the end of the trade deadline and making another move today. Drew Packey, the battery mate, brother, and best friend for life (sure, the 3 B's) has cleared waivers and been dealt to this blog in exchange for Jessica Alba (that's gonna bite us in the ass) and journey-man, Kenny Lofton. Drew brings a lot to the table besides his strong appetite. He has a real knack for all the major sports, including having had a stellar career making me look good as my catcher in high school. He has a tremendous sense of humor. After all, he did dress up as a country slut in a girls gone wild tank top for Halloween this past year (see picture above). Drew is a rising junior at Michigan State University where he majors in "I do what I want" and minors in "the art of liquor pong." He has dreams of being a doctor, delivering babies and delivering his future wife. Despite his one major flaw of being a Packers fan, I still hope that he will write posts as much as he can because I surely will enjoy reading his thoughts and wit as much as I know you will.

I present to you the greatest catcher off all time (not counting 15-30 other guys):

Caring is Creepy

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Neifi Perez, insanely jealous that everyone is paying attention to Barry Bonds, decided to steal back the spotlight for a moment and fail his THIRD straight drug test. As a result, he has been banned by the MLB for a record setting 80 games. Neifi was supposed to return to the bench from his 2nd suspension after Friday's game vs. the White Sox. I will tell you, as good of news as this sounds, it is in fact NOT. Now the Tigers are without a defensive replacement if any IF were to get hurt. This means that the Tigers will most likely continue to try and acquire Jack Wilson from Shitsburgh in exchange for quality prospects. Although the trade deadline has passed, a deal can still be made if Wilson clears waivers, which he almost certainly will considering his mammoth contract. This is really bad because Jack Wilson is pretty much Neifi and Deivi Cruz morphed together and we would be losing quality prospects (Tata, Vasquez, Clevlen). Here is a perfect quote I found from motowntigers.com that pretty much sums everything up: "If Perez's amphetamine abuse begets 2-1/3 years of Jack Wilson, then I think we can call Neifi's Tiger career one of the worst in team history. What a craptastic disaster he was. If it weren't for one ground ball during Verlander's no-hitter, I'd say Neifi was 100% useless." This leads me to ask a highly controversial question: Should there be an asterisk * next to Justin Verlander's no-hitter in the record books?????

Getting far far FAR away from the disease that is Neifi Perez, I take you to the Detroit Lions. #2 overall pick, Calvin Johnson ended his 8 day hold out today by signing a 6 year, 64 million dollar contract. This bodes well for Lion fans but not for C.J. Karchon. With the new C.J. (Calvin Johnson) in town this means that C.J. Karchon will have to change his name. I don't know what _____ Karchon has in mind but if I were to make an educated guess-pothesis I would probably say Leslie. (Rescue Me) Sorry Leslie, a lot has changed since you left for Europe 7 months ago. For instance, Ronald McDonald is actually a child pornographer/serial killer; which has created mass chaos and billions of unHappy meals. Also, Jerry Springer has a new show.

Speaking of unhappy meals, I watched a movie today called "The Yes Men." It is basically about anti-corporate activist-pranksters who impersonate WTO representatives around the world at important conferences. These important people around the world do not realize these people's fake website is not WTO's. The main characters play along as if it is and create satires on global free trade. I did not have a good attitude about this film as soon as I saw Michael Moore in the first 20 minutes of it, but it is actually pretty entertaining. I especially enjoyed the part where they claimed we feed 3rd world countries recycled McDonald's hamburgers. This means that when we poop out our delicious big macs, the burger gets recycled through a pipeline system the government created that leads to a 3rd world country. The pooh is then pumped out, flattened like a burger, and placed between cheap sesame-less buns where it is then served as a yummy #2. When the actual number of the meals meant nothing before, now they are in fact the number of times the burger has been recycled. I don't know how you feel about this and it's not like I truly care, but if that's not what we do now then I think that's a genius idea and something we should consider. Mad Props.

I just made a bet with my brother-in-law that the Detroit Lions will make it farther than the Green Bay Packers this year. He seems to think the loss of Drew Stanton will affect Jon Kitna's run to the Super Bowl. It's weird that Stanton got hurt though because I had a dream 3 days ago that Kitna broke his leg while snorkeling. I'm still not sure how that happened. Either way, I believe Kitna and Furrey will hold true to their prediction that the Lions will in fact win 10 games this year.

I am not a very big X Games fan but check out this: Jake "Fall Down" Brown; I can't believe he gets up after this fall. I did learn that he was slightly concussed, asked if he landed the 720, and convinced that one trainer he's trying to get away from at the end to give him a ZJ.


S'cuse Me Toots

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

I'm going to take an ole fashioned piggy back ride off of what my dear friend Chip wrote regarding the Tiges. Today they lost all hopes of a perfect August by losing a close one, 3-2. Nate Robertson hiked up his skirt and actually pitched without his tampon in and threw well enough for us to win. Unfortunately, the Tags could not cash in with runners in scoring position. Jared's boy, Klutch Monroe, did have a 2-out RBI early in the game but could not cash in with the bases loaded late in the game. I'm sure you have already guessed that he K'ed in that at bat. I'm absolutely certain Monroe will somehow whiff out of his year long slump. Unfortunately, we are going to have to get used to him because Jim Leyland loves him bunches and right now Marcus Thames is nursing a hamstring injury. The Tigers meanwhile finally return home to take on the White Sox. Andrew Miller will face Beurhle again. The last time the two faced was last week when Miller stole Beurhle's bag of weed so Tiger hitters could smoke more than just Beurhle's pitches. Sure enough the Tags won 9-6. I just hope Beurhle doesn't get even and steal the ferris wheel at Comerica Park. What would I do before games???

Now to Chip's concerns... It would probably appear that Gary Sheffield is struggling lately when in fact he has been hitting a pretty consistent .290. A month and 10 days ago his average was at .293. The only reason it was at .293, and not .793, was because he probably started the year off his steroids. It seems as if he has ended his cycle and has since fallen into a lesser, yet consistent, approach. As for his HR drought, it is only 11 days. In June, he had an 18 day HR drought. He is just 5 for his last 36 but A-Rod is 0 for his last 20 and is a whole lot gayer than Gary. Let's also not forget that G money is still ranked 3rd in Yahoo! fantasy baseball leagues. I wouldn't worry about the Top Sheff. Concerning Magglio, he has just recently become human. I said it before and I'll say it again, I don't see Magglio keeping up his .360 avg. but I do fully expect him to end up hitting around .335 with a billion RBIs. I wouldn't worry about his pop because he has 3 HR since July 15th which is good considering he had none before that since June 2nd. I've seen him out and he always has his squeezies so I know he's trying. I'm really just concerned about him having zero triples and a worse goatee than me.

If Brandon Inge is not worthy of the Gold Glove then the league should make the Silver Glove just for him, because he definately deserves an award of some kind. Maybe give him the Shane Halter award for being the most athletic human being.

As I'm sure you've all heard, a backup punter at Northern Colorado is being charged with first degree murder and second degree assault for stabbing the starting punter in his kicking leg on 9/11. Allegedly, the backup punter could not take the pressure from his mother and decided to lash out in an attempt to 'earn' the starting job. This whole situation is just absurd and all I am getting out of it is that the backup punter is a terrorist. Well, the jury of the trial was just selected and I found it a bit odd but I can't put my pinky finger on it:
Nick Harris, Josh Bidwell
John Jett, Brendan Carney
Jeff Feagles, Scott Player
Todd Sauerbrun, Matt Turk
Mike Barr, Mark Royals
Greg Montgomery, Jason Hanson

In other news, Buddy Bell won't manage the Royals after this season. That's too bad.

After having glanced at MLB.com I now see Sheffield will have his shoulder looked at by a doctor. I take back everything I said. Be very worried. I feel stupid. Goodnight.

a couple quick thoughts....

Posted by Chip Stevenson

today is my last day of work which also means that it is my last opportunity to get paid to blog. i made about 20 bucks for yesterday's blog and i should make about 10 for this one considering it will be a little shorter. i wonder if this violates some NCAA rule and i'll get kicked out of the Texas Longhorn's starting rotation... don't tell on me cuz i've really been working hard and think this upcoming year is going to be very very good to me

thank superman, the tigers did not acquire jack wilson. superman is really generous and i think i might pray to him more often... maybe for that ninja turtles big wheel i never got as a kid.

tagers lost again last night making them 3-7 on the recent road trip. i actually stayed up and watched the whole game saying to myself, "what the hay? it's my last day of work tomorrow." really good decision on my part. the game ended at about 1 a.m. and i stayed up until about 3 tossing and turning from nightmares about big mac mcbride and grilli pitching in the playoffs. waking up at 6:30 for work makes me feel really good inside. cripes, the schedule is brutal but hopefully things will turn around when we come home after today's game. things need to get right so my 21st birthday on August 14th isnt completely destroyed by another devastating loss to the Indians.

let me take a little time to address some recent concerns from tiger fans.

Concern #1: The tigers starters aren't going deep enough into games and thats why we are struggling.

Response: the tigers starters average innings per game in 2006: 6. the tigers starters average innings per game in 2007: 6.

Concern #2: The bullpen is blowing all these games and we were so much better last year.

Response: Number of regular season Tiger victories in 2006: 95. Projected number of wins for the Tigers in 2007: 93. aint too big of a difference now is it? if rodney and zumaya come back strong, im sure we'll be able to push that number up to 95 just like last year and we all know how last year ended up: first world series victory since 1984.

some concerns of my own: 1.) magglio is slowing down a bit which was probably to be expected. hitting .900 is hard to sustain especially when neifi isnt in the lineup to provide some protection. what's really worrying me more than his drop in batting average is his lack of power recently. he did hit a home run in anaheim but it looks like the vast majority of his balls in play are now pounded into the ground mostly to the shortstop. he was hitting to the opposite field so much at the beginning of the year and now that pitchers are pounding him inside, he seems to be jamming himself. 2.) sheffield's shoulder looks like it might be a significant isSUE, god bless you. he has also lacked any sense of power recently. in last night's game, sheffield and magglio came up with runners in scoring position twice and didnt hit anything hard. not nearly as intimidating as they were early on. who woulda thunk that ne!f! would have this big of an effect on the lineup? 3.) guillen's nagging injuries are starting to pile up. never as good of a fielder as i was, he has still been pretty solid in the field when he is healthy. now though, his knees have been biting him like marv albert and it has really shown in his play... maybe cj karchon could step in for a few games and give guillen a rest.

anyone else think that it's kinda creepy that leyland likes to use the word "tickle" all the time? as in, "kenny rogers coming back from surgery and pitching great in his first start was really nice to see. I was really tickled by it," or, "Grilli and Kraig Monroe keep on rubbing a feather along my feet when i call them into my office to tell them they're cut. I'm really tickled by it".

Lastly, it worked yesterday so let me try it again today-

superman, please please please call tanya harding to put a billy club to gagne's elbow, big papi's knee, and papelbon's pride. I promise i will start going to church if you make this happen.



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