Jeremy Christmas and a Happy Similar Year

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Inge is safe! Gets touched in the wee-wee and signs extension Bonderman bursts Inge's bubble, blows his own & signs better extension
I never thought anything would surpass the feeling of gathering with family members and sharing embarassing stories about eachother while enjoying roasted chestnuts and spiked egg nog. That was until the feeling I got after I made romantic explosion on Dave Dembrowski's stomach after the Detroit Tigers gave contract extensions to Brandon Inge and Jeremy Bonderman. Their extensions, and the love affair with Dombrowski, (not to mention the Sheffield trade!) have fulfilled the upper half of this year's Christmas list. (The other half of the list consists of tickets to a Dancing with the Stars episode and the rental of bodyguard Steve from Jerry Springer to protect me from World anger and poop mouths.)
The significance of the contract extensions goes beyond satisfying Tigers' faithfuls' holiday dreams and locking those players up for the long haul. More importantly, it allows the Notorious I-N-G-E and Bonderful to direct their focus on the upcoming 2007 World Series run. Because I know exactly how hard it is from my experiences with video game franchises, going into a season in the last year of a contract can be pretty distracting. BInge and Bondermania would definately have their fair share of disturbances. In addition to the constant reminder that stats affect how much money would be offered during the off season, Inge would have been worrying about if he went to a team that would make him shave his flavor saver and if he did go to a different team, who would replace Vance Wilson on road trips? Inge would be a disaster if he had to worry about that during the season. Bonderman would have to worry about learning to read, since a lot of words and contract offers would be thrown his way after the season. He shouldn't have to worry about learning to read during the already stressful 162 game season. So their extensions are a huge relief.
Now that the two major contract extensions have been taken care of, the Tigers still have some holes to fill. And not the hole in the ground Jose Mesa may fill if he peels over during the middle of the year. Due to the loss of Jamie Walker, acquiring a left handed reliever becomes the focus during the off season. Unfortunately, Matt Croswell and John Eshelman retired early to pursue their golfing careers or else they would have been simple and reasonable solutions. Instead, Dombrowski must scout amongst the sparsed lefties still lingering around the free agent market. If he comes up empty he will probably just turn to what he already has in the bullpen, Mike Maroth, Wilfredo Ledezma or the food market and transform a pumpkin into a legitimate lefty set-up guy. I have faith that Dombrowski can and will do whatever it takes. Up to this point, he has turned a team that lost 119 losses just 3 seasons ago around into a silver medal winning World Series team. And now the trade for Sheffield, signing of Mesa, extensions to Inge and Bonderman, and me burning Zumaya's game room down so he can never get a hurt wrist from playing guitar hero again, the Tigers look to have a year very similar to last season. Hopefully though, at the end we will be smoking stogies, planning trips to the zoo with the World Series trophy, and Sean Casey will standing safely on first base.

Mark Coury Steals Kurt Rambis' Identity, Then Lands Roster Spot @ UK

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

Detroit Country Day alum, Mark Coury has done the unthinkable in the past few years. He transferred into the most prestigious high school basketball program in Michigan, stole Kurt Rambis' identity, played catch with me during his varsity baseball tryouts, didn't make the team, then decided to improve at basketball, and now has walked on to the University of Kentucky's basketball team after surfing the internet with his dad looking for top programs around the nation that were thin at the forward position. What a sports nut huh?

The biggest turning point in Coury's career was stealing Kurt Rambis' identity. For those of you who do not know Kurt Rambis, I will tell you a little about him. He played fourteen seasons with the Los Angelas Lakers while sporting the number 31 for most of them. He's not known for his scoring abilities or basketball at all really. Fans typically know him for his hard work and big, goofy, thick black goggles that most refer to as sexy specs. Recently, Billy Joe Cuthbert commercials have recaptured the glory of Kurt Rambis and his days of blocking little boys at local gymnasiums and challenging players to one-on-one freestyle battles. To make it simple, Kurt Rambis was a white NBA basketball player who looked and played like a Snerd. He also appeared in Weird Al's 'White and Nerdy' music video. He has been a hero to aspiring athletes like Mark Coury. Even me...I wore sexy specs when I played AAU basketball for a few years. I played significantly worse and got made fun of more, but I still wore them and kept my chin up. I got through it. Now I wear contacts and am a candidate for lasic when I graduate college. I thank the goggles, carrots, and Kurt Rambis for that.

Anyways, Mark Coury has a lot more to thank Kurt Rambis for. He can thank him for his identity. Mark Coury entered Detroit Country Day with nothing but his daddy. He left as Kurt Rambis. During high school, he sprouted to Rambis' 6'9", developed a sub par post game, purchased ridiculous goggles, wore them all the time, sported Rambis' number 31 in his summer league, entered the glee and chess clubs, and managed to keep away from making a lot of friends. Little did he know, Kurt Rambis' identity and his dad would eventually help make him an All-Stater and land him a spot on the UK basketball team. But not before a tedious process of him and his dad hitting the Yahoo! search engine. After turning down offers to minor D1 programs, Coury and his dad put on their bathing suits and surfed the internet together looking for bigger programs that were in need of white big men. After realizing every program needs a hard working player that fans can cheer for and relate to (because he's white and probably just as bad as your Uncle John), they picked University of Kentucky. After being accepted, Coury and his dad decided that Kurt Rambis' identity was not going to cut it at a cool school like UK so they gave him it back. Coury no longer sports the goggles all the time like he did in High School and apparently picked up a few new talents. When he was asked how he liked it at UK so far, he replied, "Theres like a buttload of gangs at this school that want me to join cause Im pretty good with a bowstaff." Unfortunately, the bowstaff and numchuck skills won't help Coury's playing time. Coury hopes to log more than the garbage minutes he's played in so far during Kentucky's exhibition games. Either way, I'll be rooting for him and watching closely. Who knows? Maybe one day he will block a Shane Battier jumpshot in the NBA, high five, and everyone who knows the two will have a good giggle. Kurt Rambis would be proud.

I'll end my post with a sign I made in High School for one of Mark's games. It was more of a knock on the team we were playing since they had a former Country Day player on their team. He was kicked out of Country Day for stealing student laptops and was not eligible for the game.

Tickets to the game.... $5

Soft drink... $1.50

Hot dog... $2

Watching Mark Coury dunk while Alex Credit plays on my laptop at the end of OLSM's bench...Priceless

Our headmaster frowned upon it. Ok I'm done.


Belated Tribute #2

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

22 Sweet Yearz-man
Steve Yzerman's retirement in July ended 22 years of sheer greatness. Other than my father and 8 pound 9 oz. baby Jesus, Steve has been my role model since I can remember.

He ranks seventh on the all-time NHL list in goals (692), assists (1,063) and is sixth in total points (1,755). Steve not only was a great hockey player but was a good person too. He turned down hundreds of thousands of women every night because he is a family man. He also signed a hat for me on my birthday. The 10-time all-star also has his name engraved on four individual trophies, the Lester B. Person (1989), Conn Smythe (1998), Frank J. Selke (2000) and the Bill Masterton (2003).

Oh, and Mr. Lord Stanley Cup knows him pretty well too. His name appears on there 3 times (1997, 1998, 2002).

Yzerman will also go into the pages of history shoulder to shoulder with my buddy's neighbor, Gordie Howe, as the greatest Red Wings of all-time. And on top of all that, Yzerman holds the NHL record for longest serving captain of a team with 19 straight seasons.

I remember going outside to play roller blade hockey when I was growing up while wearing his jersey and pretend to be him. I would skate as fast as I could to try and fly like he would. I would imitate his goals the way I saw them on television the night before. The one I would always replay was the one he had versus St. Louis in double overtime of game 7.

Ahh... goosebumps like AC's game winning dinger this year. It's beautiful.

Ok. I'm composed. I'll go on.

I also remember kissing the cup when I got the chance when I was 12 in the same fashion I saw Steve kiss it. Hell, I even knocked my tooth out in the same exact location he lost his tooth. If it weren't for the restraining order I'd probably have a house next door to him and follow him around.

But, yea. It'll be hard watching Red Wings' games and not seeing #19 on the ice. The loyalty he had for the city of Detroit is the type of loyalty a human being can only imagine of having for someone or something. I respect him more than any other athlete in the Universe (yes, more than Georghe Muresean, even though he has great cologne and smells terrific for being such a freak of nature) and I will always cherish the memories made by our Captain.

Steve Yzerman will always be the captain of Detroit.


Belated Tribute #1

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

2006 Tigers Roar will Forever be Heard
It's been almost a week now since I witnessed Brandon Inge strikeout to end the World Series. I was watching in the Detroit airport because I flew home to attend a possible game 6. In this past week, I've cried on the shoulder of an airport security guard, read Don't Kill Yourself books, and sucked on my thumb more than I ever did as a child (more cause of my own problems, not just because the Tigers lost). But although the loss was heartbreaking, the season really was not. I have been a diehard Tigers fan since one of my father's lucky seman swam like Michael Phelps inside my mother right after the Tigers won the 1984 pennant. In the last 13 years, the years I remember the most, the Tigers have had just ONE winning season up to this year. Despite the miserable seasons, especially 2003 when they lost 119 games, I have attended double digit games almost every summer, watched as many games on television as possible and purchased the past 2 seasons while I've been down in NC for school. I was always optimistic; sometimes too optimistic. For example, in 2003 I bet one of my friends that the Tigers were for sure going to win 85 games. That worked out really well for me. The Tigers last win that season was celebrated like we clinched something. Well, it clinched them the "we're not the worst team ever" berth. Yea, that was a rough year. Every game was about 35,000 tickets short of selling out. But my friends and I still went to the games.
This year was extremely special. No longer special like the neighborhood retardo who you just can't get mad at. But really special. Finally, fans who have always stood by the Tigers had something to really cheer about and talk about. In March, the Tigers were expected to slightly improve on 2005's season. In April, the Tagers were ESPN's main story. In July, the world was expecting a Detroit vs. Insert national league team here World Series. In Detroit, I was changing my underwear every night for other reasons than the fact that they were just dirty and I needed to. The Tigers were winning and winning A LOT. Thank you Tiggers for that. Thank you so much.
Watching the Tigers on TV during the playoffs raised all the hairs on my body and forced me to pinch myself till I bruised to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I felt like a school boy. I compared the night's sleep before games like a kid anxiously waiting up on Christmas Eve, knowing I was getting the Power Rangers Dino Thunder: Triassic Triumph Volume 1 video in my stocking, but it was an even better feeling. I probably gloated all October like a huge tool but I don't care. The Tigers gave me something I have been waiting for my whole life, besides the awesome orgasm I finally got when "Slater" hit that walkoff bomb in game 4 of the ALCS sweep(see One Goddamn Hit?'s blog). I care that we lost in the World Series but now that's over, I'm still proud of what the Tigers accomplished and Opening Day is just about 149 days away. Listen to them Roar.

'Going to Work' in Stockton's Shorts and Muscle Shirts

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

All smiles for the upcoming Deeeeeetroit Pistons' season. And no, "Deeeetroit Basketball" never gets old. Especially, when I have a 95 year old woman screeching that to me as she wheels by with her walker. I digress... It is going to be a different year for the Pistons. Yea, we lost Ben Sellout to the Bulldykes but we have plenty of reasons to maintain our positive attitudes. (Shoutout to Jared and rest of Unity)

Firstly, #20 is going to have a breakout season. I'm not talking about the abundance of pimples he'll probably get on his back. I'm talking about the kind of breakout season that involves 360 dunks over Mehmet Okur and game winning shots over Jason Williams. Okay, he may not do those crazy things or average 20 ppg, but I'll guarantee he'll be a key component to our team and will have the best hair on our team, now that the only Big Ben to Detroiters is in London again. I don't care what Kenny Rogers supposedly had on his pitching hand, but if Lil' Hair Flip ever gets caught with a foreign substance on his hand(s) I almost certainly know it will be hair gel. He is the first Argentinian NBA basketball player to ever use a whole tube of gel before a game. That is a fact. Look it up.

Secondly, the Pistons signed UK stud, Nazr Mohammed. He will have an easy time filling the size 29 shoes that Ben wore. He may not be able to jump out of the gym like Ben, but he has a much cooler name and can hit 79% of his free throws, which is exactly 50% higher than Ben. Fact. That eliminates our opponents number one game plan of "Hack that Black who can't hit Jackshit from the line." I think that will open things up for Delfino to score more. Oh we also have three other all-stars on our team and an artist still known as Prince.

Lastly, we may lose some more regular season games this year and may not even finish first in our division but the team will definately be motivated to surpass last years devastating loss in the Conference Finals. Flip Saunders is going to do whatever it takes to have the Pistons score 148 points per game and Joe Dumars will make a genius mid season move to put us over the Black Eyed Peas "HUMPS." My guess is Terry Mills will come out of retirement and provide moral support from the bench since he probably is actually too fat to hit threes like he used to. Still would be genius.

I read in the USA TODAY that the Pistons are predicted to lose to the Bulls in the 2nd round. Well, unless the Bulls sign Dennis Rodman, I am going to disagree. How can someone make such bold, idiotic predictions??? Like the certain Mills resigning, I have my own, more reasonable, predictions. Chauncey wins the MVP award that was robbed from him last year, Tayshaun earns the all-star game roster spot that was robbed from him last year, Delfino-m cracks Maxim's 100 hottest NBA swingmen list, Kelly Tripuka rejoins George Blaha as color commentator and finally, Flip Saunders is carried off the Palace court in mid-June by the Detroit Tigers while he waves his number 1 foam finger in the air while Jim Leyland cries.

Pistons will prevail.


The Blogging Fad

Posted by Bob Biscigliano

After reading various blogs over the past few months, I have been inspired to start my own. Originally, someone sharing their feelings on the internet has always been to me a desperate cry for friends or a technological way of letting everyone know you are queer. I am going to ignore those old feelings and open up to the growing world of blogging. I read this guide shown above during different poops over the past month and I finally feel like I can be a super blogger. So let's dabble with this a little bit.

It's Halloween. I was with friend's as we were driving to trick or treat at Chic-fil-A when we witnessed our meat-head weight lifting coach walking the streets dressed fully in a Robin costume. Yes, Batman's sidekick. Anyways, he was with his son and daughter while they were trick or treating but he did have a pillow case full of protein shake pouches and vitamins for himself. I think he was mainly just looking for an excuse to wear something skin tight. Holy Muscle Milk on Halloween! What a great night it is for him.

Ben Wallace begins his stint with the Chicago Bulls tonight. I can't deny the love I had for him during his time with the Pistons but let's be honest; now I think he is a cotton headed ninny-muggins. First he leaves his Alabama cotton farm to join the NBA (terrible decision) and then he leaves the team who gave him his first real chance to make a name for himself in the NBA (terrible stupid decision) and then he tries to impersonate Santa Clause??? What a sell out. Who is he trying to fool anyways? Not only does he not resemble Santa Clause in the least bit (Santa is way shorter) but that bag probably only consists of Rebound Row t-shirts he stole from the Palace and the bricks he puts up when he takes trips to the charity stripe. I also heard he paid the hair specialist that puts his hair in corn rows to move to Duhhh city of Duhhh Bears. I also heard he's good friends with Johnny Damon.

PS He made his first free throw tonight. I guess there is a Santa Clause. Merry Christmas Ben. I hope you get coal and pennies when you go trick or treating later tonight.

Also, the new technical foul rules are pretty absurd. Not only can you no longer make obscene comments about the refs' calls and mothers but talking to the ref and politely asking the woman referee out to dinner will result in a technical foul.

midget on tricycle

To cap off my Halloween evening, I think I am going to see SAW 3 with a few of my baseball teammates. I can't determine whether to be really excited about the finish of this scary trilogy or to just mail in my manhood and poop my pants the whole movie while cowering under my seat. I heard from a few people that they almost puked during the first 10 minutes of the movie. Good thing I'll be getting popcorn and skittles during that. Conveniently, I'm sure I'll have to call my mommy back a few times too. As if oceans of blood and people dying from unimaginable ways isn't enough, this movie also involves a masked midget on a tricycle. That's why I like movies like this, even if they are really scary, they really make you appreciate life. If you don't appreciate your life, then a midget is going to take you hostage and torture you until you die. Right now, I appreciate the fact that our school's only midget is studying abroad because all I really appreciate is the fact that I have enough money to go view this film. Wish me luck. I'm off.



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